Christmas is over

Christmas is a little better this year. Though I was hoping it could be better, I am satisfied.

I was lucky to have a little chat-time with Nd. Just a short time, but it made a lot of difference to my Christmas. I still haven't listen to any Christmas song, apart from those I heard at shopping malls. That I can't avoid, also having spent a lot of time at a few malls. Doing shopping, what else haha. Shopping over for this year? I don't thinks so haha. I did some more shopping yesterday. Christmas is over, but the shopping isn't hehe

I think I should try to bring back my interest in photography again next year. I had bought a camera recently but didn't have the chance to really test it out. Perhaps that should occupy my mind, so I don't have to think so much of my problems. Especially friendship, or the lack of it. I will then not have the free time to want to spend time with people. Yes, I need to bring back my "old skills", if I can call it that haha.

2008 is coming in a few days time .....

2XS

It was a busy weekend for me. Still doing shopping ... for myself and my dear haha. Well, I have to keep my dear company, and if she buys, I buy too haha.

But the interesting part of Saturday which I was looking forward to was my maiden visit to Zouk. Heard a lot about the place but I haven't stepped inside it yet, till that night. The event was "Code:Edge", a dance battle organised by Studio Wu. The door was suppose to open at 7pm but it was way passed that time when we finally got to go in. By then, there was a long queue, but we were lucky to be among the early few in the queue. I don't know what to expect of the place really, but I was thinking that it would be huge, so was disappointed that it was smaller than I thought. Still, it is bigger than DXO.

Then it was another hour wait before the competition really began. The host was none other than Sheik, who never failed to joke about his weight. That is good, being able to laugh at oneself. He definitely entertained the audiences.

It was a good competition, every dancers, solos or groups, were equally talented and showed good dance moves. Having seen a few competitions already, I can definitely say that Singapore has some good dancers. Maybe not as strong in delivery as those in US, but there is hope for the dancers here. Whether they are proficient in jazz, hiphop or break etc etc they are keeping the dance scene here alive. Even one of the foreign judge commented that it was wrong to whoever says there is no future in dances here. The many dance competitions prove it. Sure, we may lag behind most times, but in time, our dancers can be as good as most dancers from overseas.

Besides the contestants, there were also a few dance demos at Zouk that night, and I felt the highlight was the demo by the judges from 2XS. They were fantastic! Awesome! to say the least. They showed what true dancing is all about.

Sunday was dining and shopping. I had lunch at Breeks and again for dinner. Dinner was because we had no choice as other places were either packed or we were not interested in their menu, well, the prices to be more exact haha. In the end we had to settle for Breeks as we were too tired and hungry to search for other food outlet.

Monday was back at Cafe Cartel at Tampines. We can't resist the set lunch as we haven't tried their Monday set. We realised that the outlet here doesn't serve the set C. More shopping after that, then went back to Parkway to look for some presents we needed. Then buffet dinner at Parkway Thai. We immediately decided to eat there when we saw they had pepper crabs, prawns, cuttlefish.

I found this video from youtube of 2XS which has 3 of the judges who were at Zouk. Enjoy ...

E51 for a 51year old

Okay .. I can't lie ... I got a new handphone again haha
Nokia E51 ... maybe not too nice to look at, but it is handy to own haha.

Coincidentally, I am 51 years this year, so E51 is a nice number. A good present for myself this christmas haha.

Been a good week for eating. I had Gelare on Tuesday, waffles at half-price is worth getting my teeth sink into. Of course adding on a scoop of mint ice-cream, together with fresh cream and chocolate sauce makes it so delicious.

Wednesday was lunch at Cafe Cartel. Haven't been there for a while so was surprised that the set now include dessert. For $9.50 per set lunch, it was good deal. So good that I went down on Thursday for another set meal haha. This time noticed the set C, spicy pasta dish, which was a good choice as the portion of chicken was generous. A good thing about Cartel is the free flow of bread. Bread is a good supplement to the soup. I had six slices of bread to go haha.

Friday was back to work. Wasn't a good day, had too many problems for a single day work. Glad I am off again, 3 days. So will only be back on Tuesday. So, in the meantime, it is back to shopping ..... and eating. Oops, I forgot I can't really afford to shop anymore. Oh well, see how haha.

Tonight will be going to Zouk, will be my first time there. Looking forward to it.

Happy Weekend everyone!

Good food and good company

It was a week of leave followed by a week of work. Then another week of leave currently. Only two more days to go ... sigh ... wish it can last. Not looking forward going back to work. At least I have my dear to keep me company and I get to eat and eat when I am on leave. Work means nobody to keep me company. I can only hope that S is working, as she is the only person who bother to ask me to join her when she goes for meal. But I know that I shouldn't expect it. I am learning to live my old ways again. There is a different between wanting to be alone and having to be alone. I don't like it, but it is my fate to be alone.

So what have I done the last couple of days? Besides shopping, I had some good meals. Saturday was late night shopping at CityLink, so had a meal at Raffles City foodcourt before going for the night shopping. Ordered a thai noodle, saw a caucasian having the same but his plate looked more interesting, nevertheless, it was still good to eat. Can't remember what I had on Sunday haha.

On Monday, had a good buffet at Pariss, at Marina Square, which offered plenty of seafood - crab, prawn, oyster, clam and mussel. Their dessert selections are good too, which is a must for me haha. A good meal is useless if it doesn't end with interesting and delicious dessert.

I had DF donuts yesterday at Suntec. The queue seems shortened nowaday. Not surprising if so, but maybe due to the time of the day that I happened to pass it.

The set lunch at Breeks now includes drinks as well. I had a set today, which I regretted not ordering the Cajun fish with pasta as it looked like a better deal than the pasta I had.

Ending the day, I ordered two pepper crabs at the neighbourhood coffeeshop for my dear to enjoy. I did managed to get a piece and some legs, but she enjoyed it, which is more important.

Hmm ... what will I have tomorrow, er that is today? Let me see ....

Turning Green

I am turning green. Not the environment-friendly green type though. I still can't accept the idea of reducing the plastic bags given to customer when the environment we live in doesn't provide a solution to dispose of our rubbish. I recycle my plastic bag. We need plastic bags, unless they welcome everyone dumping their rubbish in the bin without a bag.

Anyway, here are two of the green stuff I bought for myself

Green Lantern shoes haha

Ain't you people green with envy for me? haha

On Leave and Not Leaving

I like to go with her to see Su and her baby, but it will be too much to expect. Most of all, it will be a chance for me to spend time with Nd too. But if I could, I would have been invited. I don't want to be where I am not welcomed. I rather they be happy when they meet up.

This is my last set of leave to clear. Every year if I got my leave at this time, we would travel, even if just popped in to JB. But this year, I am not leaving Sg. But did went to KL the week before. So at least we went somewhere, though I was hoping to go JB at least (well, actually I had planned to go Tokyo but that is another story), but nobody wants to. So ... doing nothing much except shopping (and eating) whenever I can. I know I should stop buying things but haiz ... maybe it is a way relieving my frustration of not being able to do what I really want, of telling myself that I am unwanted by those I want to show my concern.

I so miss Su. It has been a while since I last saw her. She and Nd, I miss their laughter and smile. It warmths me, especially in an unfriendly environment.

We need love, plenty of love, from family and from friends. I lack the warmth of friendship, and Christmas always bring that thought to me. Maybe that is why I don't welcome Christmas so much as before. Ever since I realised that I miss the warmth of a friend. It don't matter when one has nobody, but when one has found people that one cares as much as one's family, one wishes so much to be able to celebrate Christmas with them. I love my friends as much as my family, like they are part of my own family.

That is why it hurts ....

Donut goes well with Priceless

Found another donut shop at Meridien Orchard, located on the same level as foodcourt. Donut seems to be the "in" thing to eat haha.

Speaking of that, KL seems to have the same situation. There is this eatery at Pavilion, I think it is a new shopping mall there, some shops are not opened yet. It reminded me of VivoCity but is bigger then our VivoCity. And there is even a Food Republic in the mall. We had a nice Penang rojak there. I will not be surprised if there is a Singaporean co-owner.

Back to the donut ... there is even a long queue happening. But unlike DF at Suntec, the eatery there has plenty of sitting space. I wanted to try but my dear wasn't keen on eating donut. So sad! For me! haha

Speaking of Pavilion, the new cinema there had a promotion going on while we were there. Just using a cut-out coupon from the daily newspaper, one could get to see a movie for free, though there were limited choices to watch. Just a coupon could get in two people, and we got ourselves a free movie, we selected a french movie as the others we had already seen.

If I am not mistaken, when it was showing here in Sg, it was a R21 rating. There, I could see children watching the movie with their parents. Of course, the censor was at work so there was no nudity. But the theme wasn't suitable for children. Obviously the parent wasn't advice. I bet they were uncomfortable during the movie haha. Basically, the story was about a woman who seduced rich man so she could live in luxury. Along the way, she met an average guy who falls for her, spending all his money so he could please her. But by chance, a rich lady spotted him, starting his life of a gigolo, but at the same time having his love for the girl of his dream. The movie was fun to watch. Think the title of the movie is "Priceless".

Hmmmv ... I still have a piece of donut leftover in my fridge, think I will go eat it now. So ..... that is all for this entry .. haha

Time for giving

I messaged Nd. I suppose I couldn't help it. I was feeling frustrated ... and sad. Z didn't reply. It just happened that I did something for Nd, and somehow I told her how I felt. I didn't want to as previously when I did, it didn't go well. I felt she avoided me. Maybe I shouldn't .... but now I can't undo, unlike typing this posting. If only she can be around always when I need someone to talk .... a friend to comfort me. But she don't consider me a friend .... just a colleague. But I am thankful that I am still able to sms her, unlike Su.

Life is hard ... when one don't have a friend that one can turn to to confide. Sometimes one wants someone else beside the family. I must try to keep things to myself again. Like I used to. I suppose I need to try harder ...

For now, those I called friends, I will only seek to make them happy, to help them if I find that I can. My world of friendship is only to give. If I can make them happy, it will be enough. I will not expect more. Expectation can be disappointing. All I want is the feeling of being wanted by them. That I can be of help. I will not ask anything in return. I will not feel being used. What I do is because I want to. To see my friends happy, to be able to do something for them, that is enough. I will be happy.

Disappointment is when I am not asked when I can do it. That will make me more unhappy.

I had always been the one who is giving my friendship, not taking. So .. it is time I go back to do what I can do best. I will not ask for more. Time to give myself again ... to those I care .. to those I consider my friends.

It will be like Christmas always for them .... and I will be happy!

Capitol Trip

Oh wow! It is December! One month to clear before 2008 ....

I haven't been blogging the last few days because I was away in Kuala Lumpur. And came back at night and work the next morning, didn't give me time to blog.

So ...

It was a good trip, though it wasn't a smooth start before the trip. So many disappointments but we finally went on Sunday. It was shopping and eating everyday. I believe my salary is all gone even before December. Hmm .. it is going to be a difficult christmas not able to spend freely .. haha.


This is me, well my shoe anyway, inside the coach.












I managed to persuade my dear to hang out at this open-air spot where a live band was performing. It was cool, hanging out with the mostly Malays audience, watching this malay band. Can't say much about their singing, but I enjoyed the atmosphere.



Soon it was time to go back to Sg. We only hungout at Bukit Bintang where we were staying. It saved us on taxi money since we were not there to tour, just eating and lots of shopping, and eating. I wish we could stay longer. But I suppose 3 nights and 4 days are good enough.

Before the trip, I had messaged to 3 dear people, got 2 replys, though I was a little apprehensive that I would hear from them at that time as most of the time they didn't reply. It is enough to be able to hear from them. It means a lot to me. Though I didn't mention about my trip, I had sent the smses because I need a friendly voice (in this case, sms) to comfort me, that it would be fine. I was feeling stress in a way. Maybe to them it was just another sms, but Nd and Z smses had comfort me, without them knowing. If only I could message more, but I suppose that would be too much to expect.

There are a few people I like to keep in touch with constantly. I want to know if they are alright but I am happy enough that I get any response from them once a while.

I have lower my expectation of getting friendship from those I care, but I will still give them all within me to be a good friend to them. For real friends are hard to get. I don't want to lose those I have found.

48hours

STRESS! STRESS!

The last 48hours has been stressful. I must have lost countless hairs within that time. Shhheeshh! As if I can afford to lose anymore ...

So many things to do within the 48 hours, each time there was a stumbling block. Hopefully, there will not be anymore. I want to keep the rest of my grey hair .. er, oops not grey anymore since I have dyed them red again haha.

At least one more less to worry about. PSLE out today. I am glad she did well enough to go secondary. I even shed tears of happiness. It was a relief knowing she make it. Now ... for the waiting .... hopefully she gets in to her 1st choice of school.

bad day and friendship

Work was simply insane on Tuesday. I was surprised of the work combination I got that day, never happened before with any of the colleagues. Oh well, should not be surprising as the rosterer had a habit of doing a poor job of rostering. I don't want to put them down on their job, maybe to them they think they are doing good, I should be thankful that there are days when their mess-up gave me long period of nothing to do. So who am I to complain?

But I ended up doing overtime becaused something happended that night. I felt tired already earlier because I had to complete some pre-operation duties alone, usually being another colleague to help whoever was given that job. It was a tiring day on the whole.

I wanted to message Nd, but in the end, I dared not. I am already glad that she did speak to me briefly, very brief actually, the last few days when we crossed each other path. I am happy for that. Nothing much in our conversation, just work-related, but even a smile would help me cope with work at this stage.

Again, when I was feeling down, I needed a friend to chat, to cheer myself up. She came to mind, like before. But I have to keep silent whatever I wanted to say as I don't want to lose her again. Or I thought I did when she didn't speak or look my way for a couple of months. Or reply my smses. It isn't easy for me coping a world without friends, and I do need a friend support. I consider her a friend, even though she just treat me as another colleague. I don't want to lose her. I have already lost Su ... and it hurts still, not able to know how she is doing. A friend cares for each other. A real friend do. I don't need another mere colleagues or acquaintances who don't bother if you eat or not.

If I open up, I lose them. If I don't, maybe at least they will still speak to me.

Life is short. Time is short. I can't afford to wait for time to buildup friendship. People tend to disappear from my life before any friendship can happen. I can only have acquaintances. Is it enough?

Enough or not, I have to live with it .....
Haiz ....

Friends with Capital "F"

Su has a baby boy, I am happy for her.

I live in a world of blackout news, where people seldom tell me anything. Whatever I know, it is often by chance, when others happened to talk in front of me. I suppose I am glad that others gossip haha.


I really appreciate Nd for passing the news. Not hearing anything about her since she went on maternity leave, this is a most welcome news for me. I am ashamed to say that I cried on hearing the good news, tears of joy that I couldn't hold back. As to me, she has meant alot, even if she didn't accept my friendship. I wish I can be there to congratulate her, to share her joy. But it doesn't matter. All I want is her happiness. It is all that matter.

There was this articles in Mind Your Body, a supplement of the Straits Times, about friendship. Or rather about companionship which most people took liberally as friendship. It quotes Aristotle's analysis of the love that exists between friends, about friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure and perfect friendship. The articles only summaries briefly, but it is interesting. Maybe if I can find the book it mentioned, it may be worth to read.

Most "friendships" forged at work are really companionship. It is a friendship of utility. Real friends are friends that you wish to have for who they are. Though I may be guilty of wanting them for companionship, I have always accepted my friends for themselves, for who they are, not because they may be useful to me. I have always want to make them happy, more than I wish them to make me happy. Among those who have touched my heart, Yulie, Su and Nd will always have a special place in my heart that is reserved for friends with a capital "F". And that space is enough for a few more, which I have found too, though some I have not met them.

"There is no doubt that companionship is a good thing; and companions are friends, of a sort. But they are friends with a small "f" - no no substitute for the intimate friends we all want and need."

For me, the friendship I seek is a capital "F", and though I found them, I couldn't have that friendship.

Aristotle says: "Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods."

In a way, I agree with him. My family, my friends and my dance ... 3 things that I need, one less and my world is not complete. My dance world currently is not entirely satisfactory to me for I still feel cripple. I only have my family ... but without any real friend, I feel lonely.

Haiz ... I can only accept my fate ...

jAs

370 610

Had to give up 2 of my precious handphones .. so sad ... they were part of my life, had shared memories of what i did.


Z370 and K610, i will miss u both ....

Nd and Su .... I miss them too. Not able to chat with them ... the way that friends do ....

Good deal?

I have recontracted my broadband. Thought I had a good deal, managed to get some offer on the last day of the promotion, but it turns out that the next promo is better .. haiz ... always like that. If I wait, nothing good comes. When I bought it, better deal is being offered. Haiz ....

Finally used my voucher at Ajisen, tend to forget if I keep too long. Had a number of occasions lapse my vouchers in the past. So ... a lesson to learn: Don't keep any voucher too long, you may tend to forget that you have one!

Shoe shopping

I was livelier than usual at work yesterday, doing what came naturally for me ie being helpful. But I know that they will not appreciate it the next day. Anyway, appreciation from them has never been my intention. I was just being myself. I don't expect them to be a friend just because I help them. I know that I will be just "useful" to them.

I read this article, about making friends in the workplace just because they serve a purpose. I don't do that, though I know others do it to me. If I want to make use of people, I would have make use of all the managers so they will help me, like some people do. In fact I am the opposite. I hardly wish them, they wish me first, as if I am the manager haha. And to those who don't, I couldn't be bother with them.

I help others is because I want to. I feel good doing so.

Just like shopping haha.

And yesterday, went shopping again. I have enough sport shoes, but yet bought another one again haha. I bought a total of six sport shoes within 30 days. As if I doing a lot of sporting activities hahaha. Which I don't!

I like the sitting decoration of Funan's foodcourt. And not because it is red, though it is visual appealing to me ;-) I find the atmosphere there is more to a restaurant than a foodcourt.

Friday already, this weekend I will be off. Looking forward to it ......

November is getting short

Yulie gave me some raya cookies. Thanks, adik, you make my raya! Enjoying the cookies now, yummy! If only you are really my adik, I wish I can look after you like a real adik.

It's already November, I must plan for my leave as don't want to waste it. The stupid company rules that I must take it and not deviate from my balloted slot, which I had to do way in January when the roster wasn't even up yet. Many things can prevent it being an ideal slot. And it is.

I was planning to go for the trip, but the family can't give me an answer. I have my plan but it is no use if they don't agree. And most likely I am unable. haiz ... it will be whatever it is decided by them.

I don't know how to deal with current problem. I need to find a way to cover the shortage. But I know it will only lead to more problems. I can only hope I can do some solving next month. Or I may get into big trouble!

A couple of birthdays is coming, I hope I can make their day, though I know I will unlikely to join in their celebrations. But it is nothing new since none of those I had wished before ever let me join them. I am just happy if I can see their smile, if I get to see them haha. Most of it was via sms or through blogs. Oh well ... I am the one who wanted to wish them anyway, and I am satisfied that I was able to do that.

Sometimes I satisfy too easily haha

Happy November, everybody!

My Raya

On Friday, I had my BBQ. I didn't had any with my colleagues, they were not interested and didn't seem to miss me. To think I wanted to cook for them. Never mind, at least I can do for this group.

I had to wait a while when I went down to the chalet, they had some errant to do. That left me less time to spend as I need to go off early. The barbeque didn't started till about eight o'clock. At least I was happy cooking for them. I always enjoyed suntanning over the pit haha. Quite simply, I just love cooking for people.

It was a small group as the others never showed up. But the all malay company was nice. Even had a baby there, who I played with for a while while the mother played with the others. Too bad I couldn't stay over as I had to work in the morning.

On Saturday, I went to watch them perform at a Hari Raya function. When I heard the raya song that I often played, the one sung by Dayang, I couldn't help shedding a tear, as the song filled the hall. As I watched everyone wearing their best bajus, I felt a little satisfied. Together with the chalet thing, it is the closest I get to celebrating Hari Raya.

I don't think I want to have any expectation for next year. This two years has been a disappointment as much as joy as I seek to spend Raya. It will goes the way I felt for CNY ... and Christmas. At least for Christmas, I still get the excitement of looking for presents. Gone is the desire for Christmas song too :(

haiz ...

What joy it is to find happiness in celebration ...

Death comes to all

At 2.30am, smelling the aroma from the pastries from Delifrance can wake one sleepiness. How I love pastries! haha

Recently one of my colleagues got a motorbike accident, luckily she and her bf escaped with scratches and not their lives. Someone online too had an accident involving motorbike. Thank God they are fine. But some don't. Bike accident occurs so often, one can read in the newspapers. But people still will ride one. I had a brush with one too back in the old days when I was riding. One can only pray that someone we know will be alright whenever they get onto a bike.

Death will come, it is just a matter of when and where. And how!

I don't want to see or hear of somebody I know has passed away. Hopefully, I will go first before them .... and only after I had eaten my pastries! (haha)

Life is short ...

My odyssey

still haven't tasted any Raya cookies/kuih yet ... like last year, probably will not either this year. haiz ...

Saw snippets of The Producers: The Movie Musical, Nathan Lane is wonderful to watch, a talent who is a hilarious comedian but also a great sing and dance man. If anyone has watched Lion King, he is the voice that makes Timon such a delightful character to watch.

Watching the characters break into songs and dances makes me want to do it as well ..... and I did, irritating my dear with my antics hahaha. I feel like doing so often at work but it will be strange coming from me. Already people commented surprise whenever I joked with them. I can't be myself there as I don't feel like doing so. Maybe I feel not necessary to be the person I normally am when I am with my loved ones. And to people I consider my friends.

Though having close friends is still a dream for me, I have accepted my fate. Maybe then I can be a more happy person. Having expectation is not healthy when it is unlikely to come true.



For now, I will find solace in songs that touch my heart. Like this Dayang raya song. I may not know the title or what the words mean, but her version comforts me with the melody. Thank you Dayang ... and Zana for introducing this song to me, well in a way you introduced it when you put it on your blog last year. Or was it two years back haha. For the moment, besides the raya song (which I will still play when Hari Raya is over), other songs like Erti Hidup, Seindah Biasa and Pudar will be my comfort when I am feeling frust or sad.

It has been a long journey, an odyssey I called it on moblog, an emotional odyssey for me. Especially last year and early this year as I struggle to win the friendship from those I felt could help me. I didn't purposely choose them, just that they came into my life, and I felt good with them. Unfortunately they are not keen to have me as their close friend, and I have to accept that. They could have help me but I suppose I am not fated to win their friendship. But they will always be close to my heart. I will always be their friend if ever they need me. I will want to be there for them still.

Life is short and the journey is a struggle that we can't avoid. There will be good times and there will be times that you wish never have happened. We have dreams. It may not always come true, but it is still good to dream. My dream is to have a close friend or two. For the moment, it will remain a dream again. And a dream it will forever be.

Feeling unwanted

Nothing else I can do about the result, just hope she will study harder next year.

Haiz ... everytime I was looking forward to it, I was disappointed that they are not interested in the trip. Maybe I will just go alone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The team had the chalet, though the invitation was to all, nobody was interested if I went or not. I could hear them discussing about it, but nobody approached me. Since I wasn't wanted, I didn't go. And to think that I had thought of bbq for them!

I don't want to be seemed sensitive, I had let it go at work when I wasn't asked to join them, but it got too much for me to accept that they don't bother if I was there. There were some I like to mix around with outside of work. I feel so unwanted. Well, if colleagues that they want, I will just be that .. a colleague!

There were still some from my old team that I still care that we can be friends, but I know that they will only treat me as a colleague. I am always unlucky in not able to make friends with those I like. Time and time again, I get disappointed. Maybe I should try harder in forgetting about looking for good friends. There is no such things as friend in the workplace, or anywhere, for me.

My life is just a circle of four.

And it can be really disappointing when I have no option when the circle is so small .... haiz :(

Cheese watch and Day watch

Yesterday, we went to CA (Changing Appetite). Haven't been there for a while, so since it was Tuesday, we decided to eat there, being 50% off for cakes and cheesecakes. Ordered a plate of ribs, and the main course (of course, since we were there especially for these haha) - Banana Magic and Kahlua Cheesecakes. So delicious!!

Had a look around at Fox, there were not any real sale going on there, but there was a promotion where you needed to spend $50 so you can get some apparall at $19. I saw a cardigan, original price was $36. After looking around, my dear found some trackpants she wanted. So I got my white cardigan! By the way, this cardigan is a ladies collection haha. Hey, I like the cutting and I can fit into the size 3. And it looks good on me ;-)

We watched Daywatch at Golden Village there. Joined the GV club so it being Tuesday, the tickets cost $6.50. The movie is nice, I enjoyed it. Saw the first installment, Nightwatch. Think there is a third installment coming, think it is called Twilightwatch, not so sure. I definitely will want to catch that.

Till the next Tuesday ... if I am free .... i will catch my cheesecakes and movies. And oh yeah, Gelare waffles too! haha

Censoring the ice-kachang?

Didn't get much sleep,especially the last two days as have to prepare to work at midnite. And I hardly sleep in the day. Or do it only when I am sick.

I had so many things I wanted to blog about, at that point in time, there were points I wanted to put down here, but in the end, as I didn't get the opportunity to blog, I have forgotten what I want to say. Not that it matter. Just something in my head that I wanted to put down in words, as at that time it seemed a good idea. I suppose when one has the opportunity, whether it be blogging online or telling your friends, it all comes down to having a "friend" around. And it is luck that plays a part. If luck brings two entity together, person and machine or person and person, then there will be "conversation". Of course one can still converse with oneself when alone, but that will make the perception that one seems to be insane, mad, crazy with all the screws loose. But if one is already insane, it doesn't matter what others think, rite? haha

Read in the paper of this Nominated MP bringing the debate on Section 377A, basically about the rights of the gays. Maybe those against the appeal have a point or two, but I see it more about legalising the gay's behaviour. It is more to giving the people a right in deciding what to want. Just like censoring, more recent being "Lust:Caution" which had several people writing to the newspaper, and more online. How do you let a person grows up and learn to make decision if the decisions are always make for him? "You can't do this, you can't do that!" We got the rating so let the rating be the guide. Going to watch a cut movie is like eating an ice-kachang without the syrup or less syrup as it is fattening. I may as well don't buy it. I want to eat ice-kachang because I want the taste, all sweetness and the miscellanous ingrediences that make the dessert so wonderful to eat.

Let us be an adult, guide us if you want but don't take away what we can decide for ourselves. Sure, the mass community must be protected. But it doesn't do any good by sweeping the dirt under the carpet and tell them that the world is nice and goody-goody. Sometimes the forbidden food brings more evil, luring the innocent wanting to do it. I am sure Adam is a familiar example.

Perhaps not seeing the whole version of the movie will not be much, but as for the gay issue, perhaps the BIG BROTHER should be more compassionate towards them. In the first place, they can't help being who they are. Give them their space, if you don't want the kids to follow their examples, you explain to your kids. At least they will understand, and learn to be a more humane society.

SPG ... or not

Saw tabtv on CH5 for the first time yesterday. Subject for the night - sarong party girl. Frankly, SPG is nothing else but local girl wanting to have a good time with caucasian male. Whoever coined the phrase probably is jealous she can't hook any causcasian. Well, presumably it is a she, but if it is a he, probably he couldn't hook a local gal haha. Will you label a local girl wanting to have a good time with local male? Just because the skin color is different, and people look at them with distaste.

The show didn't highlight much, there was two brief cases of young chinese gals meeting white guys, one with the gal happily getting the guy, the other one ended losing her virginity (well, presumably she was a virgin before she met him) and not hearing from him again.

Their reasons for wanting a caucasian may be different, but don't the same local also have their reasons, whatever it may be, when they go after a guy. Only thing is the boyfriends they seek is not our local guys. We have no right to put a label on them, just because their catchs have a different skin color. Each person sees the world differently, and have his/her own preferences. So don't treat them as though they did something wrong. I think the people who treat others with disdain are probably jealous because others could get what they could not.

Tabtv should skip the interview part since it lacked the time, think it has less than 10mins slotted for it. It is irritating to see the participants get cut off when they have something to say. The same with any talkshows. If they think they don't have the time to let the participants voice their opinion, don't ask them, don't have it in the first place.

I have always try not to judge a person. I try to believe that there is always a reason, one that I am not aware of. I may not like that person, due to one reason or another, but I do not know him enough to judge him. Maybe he gets to talk to the person I like to get along with, but fail, and I am jealous of him. Still, I have no right to label him when I notice him showing his bad side. Everyone has his bad side! And I know I have too.

We have the choice of who we want to know, who we want as our friends, boyfriends, girlfriends and acquaintances. Whether we are successful or not, nobody should label us. We will label ourselves!

Extinction

Isn't Milla Jovovich cool? She looks good as a tough kick-ass heroine, and yet so sexy. She is probably the only model-turned-actress who is successful as a action star. I want to see Resident Evil:Extinction. I saw the first two Resident Evil, never mind the story, just watch the actions ... and Milla haha.

Today we went to try Fin Seafood Restaurant at Marina Square. Saw their setlunch poster a few days back, so we wanted to try it. We had the option of 4 starters and 4 main courses. Unfortunately only 2 starters was avail today, the chowder soup and the greenslip mussels. Both were delicious! We ordered the fish and chips and the softshelled crab spaghetti. The portion was generous enough for the price of the set lunch, which is mere $8.00, not including the gst and service tax. But very reasonable I thought. And there were 2 dessert option included too, apple crumblepie and tiramisu, not forgetting free flow of drinks. Where else can you get such deal for $8? And the food is good too. My dear and I agree that we will come back another day to try the other dishes.


a photo of Fin, sorry no photos of the food, as we finished them before I remembered to take any shot haha.

I was at Vivocity earlier, haven't been there since the 1st month they opened. It is so much livelier now. We had dinner at Thai Accent, the food is delicious. But I wouldn't recommend ordering any coffee, as $3.50 for a cup that couldn't even quench my lips is not worth it. The one at Fin is much larger cup, and you got free flow, though I didn't take any second as one cup was enough earlier. This one at Thai Accent didn't even look three-quarter of the cup. One will get better deal just to go to any coffee outlet there, and there were plenty you can choose from.

We only had time to shop a while, not enough to even cover the whole 2nd floor where we hang around after dinner. Spend too much time at phone shops, didn't have time for the other shops. I did manage to get myself a new ring, well two actually haha.

Each ring is a set of three, I mix the two sets up and get a new combination as in the photo.

I like to see the shine on this pots and pans. I wish I can have them all haha.

See how lovely they are!

On the first day of Raya, I forgot to download Dayang's hari raya song to my mp3, felt so bored not able to hear any raya song on that day. Then on Sunday, I happened to have it with me, and I played it over and over again. The song is about 2.33 mins, think in total I played the song for at least 4hrs, that should make it about 100 times I hear Dayang singing the raya song haha. And I enjoyed every minute of it haha.

To the birthday girl, Nur

Happy Birthday Nur!

May you have the best birthday yet! I don't know your age, according to moblog, you should be 23. This is a good age to discovery life and relationships. There is always ups and downs, may you have more ups, preferably all ups :-) You must take care of your health ok?

Have a great birthday Nur :-)

Fast and Furious

Well, nothing to be furious actually. Today is the last day for fasting. I feel it easier to fast this year compare to last year when I did for the first time, though this time I do feel I didn't drink enough water before starting my fast. Ended up my throat got dry and losing my voice. At least I didn't have any bad experience with my stomach unlike last year.

It will be nice to be invited to taste ketupat at somebody's home, but I don't expect any.

I bought a new Giordano cardigan, meant for ladies again. Hey, can't help it, I like the design haha. Finally bought a new headphone for my mp3, it was frustrating with the old one as I kept losing contact and couldn't hear the music.

To Fad, Nur and Zana, Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri!

A day for branded stuff

I have just came back from shopping, and eating. Today I didn't fast. My family don't know I fast. So it is a opportunity for me to eat today as it is my day off haha. I cooked for myself a big sausage with prata (I bought from the supermart those prata package) for a pre-lunch, and dosed it with plenty of mustard. I love sausage with mustard. I don't know if I like to eat sausage because of the mustard or the mustard because of the sausage haha.

Went down to Suntec for lunch around 2pm, then had ice mocha latte which was promoting one for one. Then it was time to shop. We spend two hours at Royal Sporting House where it has some clearance sale going. I had a hard time looking for a nice shoe, and size that fit as there were not many left on the designs that I liked, but in the end, my dear got a Nike, and I got one Nike and one Reebok, both at around 50% off. Got a Reebok cap and bag too. Not that I was particularly mad about Reebok, but Reebok do has nice design. And it was going so cheap haha.

Took a walk over to Marina Square, wanted to watch a movie, but the timing didn't fit in, so took the shuttle to Raffles City. We ate at the food court, then went down to look for my fried mars. I found it! It was a simple recipe of Mars coated with flour and deepfried, but it tasted heavenly with ice-cream and chocolate sauce. After finishing the fried mars, we kept the bowl and spoon. It will come in handy haha. I am thinking of trying my own version of fried mars hehe, afterall, it is so easy to make.

As we were leaving, City Chain caught our attention. I left the place with an Adidas watch which was going for $29. The original price was $89 I was told. Time I stopped buying those $10 or less watches as I will wait for good sale on branded watches now hahaha. Those cheap watches also don't last, as all my watches batteries died, and the straps come apart easily.

And oh yes, I bought a pot and pan set, a 7pc stainless steel cookware set at Isetan this morning, $29 also down from $89. I enjoy the kitchen section of department store, I wish I can buy all those beautiful cookware haha.

Well, enough shopping for today. Till tomorrow hehe ......

Memoir of friendship

I gave half-boiled (well, think it was threequartered though) eggs too generous doses of pepper and black soysauce (I think Fad would love it haha). It has been a while since I had it for breakfast. Read recently somewhere that having eggs isn't as bad as some people said. Well, I suppose everything in moderation is okay.

The more I wanted to speak to them, the more I would keep silence. I don't know, I just couldn't make myself to approach them, I have so many things I want to talk about with them, but I just couldn't make myself to do it. If those I want to chat with don't want to chat with me, then I have nobody else. I suppose the fear of them not interested in talking to me is always there. The other day had the chance to work and sit next to Bai. We talked a little now and then, but only about work. She is one of those that I like to be friend with, but was disappointed when she ignored me. There are only a few people that I am interested in chatting with, but if I can't chat with them, I rather be silent. She too gave sign that she doesn't want to talk with me.

They have nothing to lose, I am the one who lose out on friendship. But I can't do anything about it. I can always mix around with others, but I will know I can't open to any of them. They will be just casual acquaintances who will disappear from my life the minute we don't see each other anymore. Even now nobody bother to ask me along even when they see me. I rather have few good friends that will keep in touch with me long after we don't work together. But it looks like it will not happen. Again.

I like to mention that I appreciate Sab who is the only person who bother to sms me sometimes to ask me to go along for makan. I appreciate her company. I wish it can be more often, but I know it is not likely to.

Sometimes the more you want something, and strive for it, the more likely you will fail. I have encountered this time and time again with friendship. I used to just keep quiet and hopefully they will understand if I just show my interest by being there for them. But it didn't work. This time, I let them know my intention, hoping it would help to buildup the friendship, but it backfired on me. I still lost.

I was thinking when I came back to blog, I will refrain from talking about my failure, but I want to keep this blog as a memoir of my life. And my thoughts about friendship was the reason I had started blogging in the first place. If I keep on and on about it, I do apologise for the repetitive issue I keep writing about, and hope those who read my blog will understand. Something happened that prompt me to write about my longing again.

And in case anyone think I have a uncaring colleagues out there, I like to mention that they are nice people, most of them anyway. It is just me, seeking for their friendship from certain people and not getting it. I don't care if most of them don't bother about me, I don't bother about them anyway. It is just that sometimes (well, most of the time actually) I do wish I can be part of them. But for now, I will stay a loner. I did try but have failed. I don't want to try anymore.

Besides a few from moblog, I especially like to thank Zana, Nur, Jas and Fad for your friendship here. Life would have been more silent if not for you people. It does help me knowing that at least someone is listening.

Green means Go

I missed the chance to try out karting. There was a carnival or something at East Coast, I forgot about it so didn't head down to take a look. I wonder if I need a license to drive one. It would be nice to tryout karting since I can't drive a Formula One. Well, there is the game but it wouldn't be the same.

I find it silly the way they put up the green light for those cars turning, on a lane where one can either go straight or do a left turn. When the car upfront want to move straight, the rest of the cars who want to turn can't do so. So it defeats the purpose most of the time. Another green signal situation, this time it is the pedestrian, is having to manually push the button. Most of the time you can find the pedestrians still crossing if the light remains red. This kind of situation only invites disaster to happen.

I bought another book, to complement the ramadan, hopefully to get better understanding. Sometimes I do wish someone can help me, instead of just trying to get the fact from books. Am getting more confused from the current book, Muhammed in the Bible. Sometimes I just wonder why I bother to fast as I don't do it for religious reason.

I think Dayang will be on this Saturday on Suria. Hopefully I can get to see her sing. In the meantime just click on the clip on the right of my main page to hear her sing (under the title Song of Hope, though it is not the actual title of the song but for me, that song was a sign of hope at that time last year). Yes Zana, I still listen this song, even when it is not Raya haha.

Being 50, going 16

6.15am, I often see this old man making his early morning walk, shuffling along a distance that takes him 5mins which I will take less than a minute. I admire him for making an effort to make himself mobile at his age, but I dread to see the day that I will be like his condition. I don't want to be 80 and hardly mobile.

I may be over 50 but my heart is still 22, maybe even 18 or 16. I think I always see myself as young inside haha. Only thing is that my body can't keep up or rather remain still with my preferred age lolx! If I am still 22, I could have taken part in the Suntec dance competition!

When I was 16, the only thing on my mind was movies and comics. Dancing wasn't in me yet. Or looking for close relationship. I was a loner. I enjoyed being alone, and doing things alone. If I had a friend, he needed to catch up with me going to 2-3 cinemas within a day, and during those times it would take 15mins the least to cross over to the next cinema. There was no cineplex. It would be hard to find someone like that. Yes, I didn't need a friend back then.

Now, eversince Chris awakened what I needed but didn't realise, it is a different story. I had often feel something was missing in my life, and I am not talking about find a girlfriend. A girlfriend or wife may not necessary be your confidant, though often she may be also. In my case, I often find it in someone else. If only they are willing ...

When I am 80, I still want to dance, and I am not talking about ballroom or line dancing. People always ask me if I ballroom or line dance when they hear I dance. Nope, I don't go for that. I prefer contemporary, hiphop and jazz. Will I still be able to dance those? I wish to. I probably still attempt a cartwheel at 80, and end up breaking a bone somewhere haha.

I want to go clubbing, travel, do extreme sports like rock climbing or wakeboarding. But I can't or don't have friends doing it. I often hear people said that they are past clubbing, or too old to do this or that, but I am over 50 and still long for it. They have mentally kill their age. Me, I am still 22 haha. It will be nice if I have young friends who do those thing so they will invite me along. But I don't. And it isn't fun doing them alone. Also, I want to perform, I want to dance while my body still can.

Age is a fearful factor. No matter how old I think I am, be it 16 or 22, my body age will hinder what I want to do. Right now I can still climb 2 steps at a time going up a stair but for how long? I need to exercise and hopefully it will delay my body ageing. The only worry I will have then is injury or whatever that may come to immobilise me. Currently I enjoy my mobility so I fear of being immobile. But going towards 80 and beyond, that may be a probability :( I rather die earlier!

Dance, friends and family. Three things that keeps me going. I don't know how long more I can dance, and as for friends, I still don't have someone that I can turn to. So I have only my family. But from the past, I know that that is not enough ... but it is probably how it will be, and I have to live with that no matter how hurt I may feel inside. I don't expect and will not look for that friendship that have elude me. And though I long to find a close friend, I want to stop dreaming. Dream is nice to have, but for me, it will be just a dream.

I will always be 16, and sometimes 22, even if I get to be 80 physically!

Friendship that be, friendship that be not

Went down to Arab Street, but was disappointed, so headed down to Geylang. Nicer atmosphere there. Got myself a slingbag. And ate vadez. It seems everytime if I went down there, I would buy vadez haha.




Everytime I see a group of friends spending time together, I feel envy. I just hope that they will know how to appreciate and treasure their friendship. It seems that some people don't. Recently I overheard someone remarked about one of her friends. People tend to rather leave their friend alone, ignoring them if there is sign of problem instead of trying to find out why and maybe sort out any misunderstanding if any. Sometimes it may work, but at times, it will only cost the friendship to lapse. If one really treasure the friendship, one should make an effort to talk to the person. But some people don't bother as they have other friends, or know they can always get new one easily. Maybe sometimes it is best to let go, but some friends are worth trying to keep. Too bad the mentality is that new friend is easily attainable, so why bother to solve any sign of strained relationship. Sad.

I am rather emotional, and if I feel good about someone, I rather try to keep my friendship with them, even if they will not reciprocate the feeling. Even if they do not wish to be my close friend. Call me stupid, call me silly, but I treasure those that I consider friends even if we are not real friends in reality. They will always be special in my heart.

Heard about Su, finally, although very brief, and I do not fully understand her condition. She is given hospital leave because she is weak, maybe till her time to deliver. I wish I can visit her, as what a friend will do, but I know I can't. May God looks after her and her baby.

Chris birthday has passed, I sent an email to wish her. She didn't really reply, just like any of my emails in the past. Oh well, obviously she didn't want to renew our friendship. But I still care for her as my friend.

All I ask from any of them is their friendship. I need them ... as a friend that I can confide, spend time together, helping each other. Whatever reasons they may have for rejecting me, I will not question it. To them it may seem valid. I wish they will talk to me about it, instead of just ignoring me. At least then, I can understand why.

I know what I want from their friendship is not easily acceptable, as male-female friends are hard for others to understand. Added to that are our difference in ages. I know it is possible, or at least I want to give it a try. I almost have it with Chris. At that time, she almost fulfilled my dream of having a real friend. For a short while, about a month, I got a friend. But suddenly she just stopped. Till today I still don't understand why as she didn't bother to explain.

Life is so unpredictable! When one thinks one finds happiness, it may disappear in an instant. But it is part of living. One part of mine has gone even before it really begins. It continues with my recent effort to find friends. It is useless to feel good about some people, if they don't care about wanting your friendship.

Am I destined to live life without any close friend? I often ask myself this. Perhaps it is ....

Seindah Biasa

I don't care if I still have my cough. I ate ice-cream this morning, for breakfast haha. And how nice it is to eat chocolate again, starting eating them two days back.

The thing about me puasa is that I don't have anybody that I can join when it is time to break fast. Officially I have no reason to do so, so it is between me and Him. That is how it should be anyway.

I like this song Seindah Biasa when I first heard it sung by Suki Low in OIAM. This original version is sung by Siti Nurhaliza. I love this song.


Btw, can anyone tell me what Seindah Biasa means? haha

Circumcision and circumstances

Weekend was here and gone, without me venturing into any mall, haiz. Missed the chance of getting this Vaio on offer, wrong timing. Didn't have time as I got to work early the last few days. Still two more days of the same. I can't wait for my off day so I can go look for this Fried Mars. Looking forward to try it, heard it is delicious. And also to go Geylang or Arab Street maybe. I haven't had malay food this past week. I want to eat spicy food, eat those kuihkuih.

Read in the newspaper about this female circumcision in Egypt. How gross! A 13year old girl died while having her clitoris removed! How can people do this and cite it as religious? The country has banned it but some still practiced this inhuman "circumcision", sometimes done by a barber or whoever else in the village. People, well the men in particular, often is the culprit, not the religion.

"As a male society, the men took parts of religion that satisfied men and inflated it. The parts of the Quran that helped women, they ignored."

How true this often is. Even in the Christian world.

Sometimes I wish I can live life differently, but in all due circumstances, I may still ended up doing the same thing. I may not like the result, but there is nothing else I can do, as we are living at the mercy of others action, or inaction. No matter what people will tell you, that you are the master of what you do, in truth, we don't. Life is inter-related with other lives. We can only learn to accept it, and hopefully, learn to be happier with what we have.

20th September

Thursday, one more day till the weekend cometh. Though it makes no diff to me actually. There is still the resonating echo wherever I go, the sound of my cough. Sometimes I tried to dull the sound, but when it have to come, it comes, right down from the chest, as though I may accidentally cough out my lung one of these days.

Su is on hospital leave, I don't know what happened, I do hope she is okay, or will be.

I miss them, all of them. I wish I can just sms them. Haiz....

I may not fast this year. Somehow it doesn't feel the same. Last year I was so interested. I may tried to find the time to read again, maybe that will bring back the mood to want to fast. Yesterday did tried, but tired so didn't get much pages done, three pages only. And I had been reading this book more than four months ago. Very slow progress. I have forgotten what was in the 1st chapter already. Maybe I should change another book, and later come back to this one, hopefully haha.

I did bought several books few months back but haven't put in the effort to read them. Perhaps the idea of getting the books were more exciting than actually reading them. I guess it had always been like that, even when I was collecting my comics when I was young. Hey, there were still several (to put it mildly as it is actually alot hehe) comics I haven't read, and it had been many many years already haha.

As I was saying, weekend does not mean much when one is working on shift, except that if I do get the chance to go to the mall, there will be plenty of things to see, compare with weekdays. Did anyone go the nike sales at Suntec yesterday? I didn't have time to pop in, think it should be good, the sign said up to 80% discount. sigh, what a waste!

September is ending soon, soon it will be December. Is this how I see life, by months if not days? Give me something to hold on to the day, that will want me to wish that it will stay still .....

At home with Wyatt

Got up from sleep, well if you can call it sleep haha. Think I was in bed for maybe just an hour. Can't remember if I sleep at all lolx.

Had gotten back from Suntec for lunch, walked around abit, did some groceries at Carrefour. Felt sleepy and tired, just walking a few steps and I wanted to sit down. So headed home. I was still weak. Of course lah, since didn't get to eat my energy food like donuts, cheesecakes, ice-cream and CHOCOLATE!

I think I am a bit better, no, much better than yesterday, but still, I am sick. WORSE THAN GETTING SICK IS BEING SICK!

Yesterday I watched Wyatt Earp, the one starring Kevin Costner. Did saw it before. Wyatt Earp was among my childhood legendary western heroes. There were several movies with Wyatt Earp character in the movies, recent one include the one with Kurt Russell. Some protrayed him as good, some as bad. Maybe he was a bit of both. But his story is legendary. This particular version has him trying to uphold justice, I say justice becuase as everyone knows, the law can work on both sides. The spectacular visual of 4 guys standing in the middle of the street, holding their guns/rifles is legendary, then walking towards their enemies.

More than a western, it is a story of brotherly love and bond, his brothers could just leave him, but they never did. When one of the brother died, I couldn't help crying with him. And then there were other people who stuck with him, like Bat Masterson and Doc Holliday. One phrase that Doc spoke strike a cord in me, and made me teary again:

"I will be there for you".

And he meant every word of it. Though they hardly knew each other, he had felt that this man, Wyatt Earp, was worth dying for. Well, he was dying of TB anyway, but he treated Wyatt as a special friend.

In sickness and in breathing

Danceal is still sick. Hopefully will recover by this weekend ... I want to go out! and eat chocolates and ice-creams and chocolates!!

This morning, I was feeling low, and then, I saw Nd. She was smiling, how nice to see a friendly smile. Just that the smile wasn't for me but otheres. But it was okay, the smile was what I needed to brighten my day. The last two days was so bad for me, being sick. A friendly smile from a familiar face was what I needed. Haiz, if only she was smiling and cheering me up....

If only we can hold our breath, or stop breathing when we are sleeping. It will cease the discomfort one gets when trying to sleep. How nice if I can stop breathing when I go to sleep, then wake up and breathes again. You people out there like that also? haha.

Tuesday wemt to CA again for their cheesecakes, but only thing was, I couldn't enjoy them, because I wasn't feeling so well that night. Then everything went bad. The last couple of days I think I sleep a lot .. in the daytime, which usually I don't do, and often only when I am sick do I sleep in the daytime haha.

I believe my age is really catching up. Getting sick is getting very bad for me. Thought the last time I was sick was bad, but now I feel it is even worse. The cough felt like it could kill me, the headche aggravated the feeling even more. And most of the time I felt like I couldn't breathe, especially when I laid down to sleep. My fever has stopped, I hope haha.

My brain is a little haywire right now, if it is still there. Had wanted to write about something but forgot what it was haha. ok, will let the brain go back into storage till it is more ready ...

Suntec competition

I went down to Suntec on Saturday to watch the competition. I had expected to have company for the night, but in the end, I was disappointed that I had to watch it alone, though there was a good crowd there. It took a bit excitment out of watching the dance competition. I could only share others excitement as they screamed when their friends, or whatever, took to the stage. Or when the results were known. I watched as this lady gave a shriek when somebody she knew got the top prize, then called I presumed was the person mother. It was delightful watching her happiness.

The performance on stage didn't gave me the thrill as I thought it would. Perhaps it was the disappointment that I ended up alone there. I had expectation that didn't materialise. Expectation that couldn't be fulfilled always spoil the actual event.

Or perhaps I no longer has that much passion for dance anymore? I don't know ....

Movies and movies

It is not easy to want to open up but those who I want to open up to doesn't want to listen. Blogging is my only solution, but it also means that I am showing my fear and weakness. I thought if I stopped opening up altogether I would feel better. But it also means that I bottled up and cried more. I need their help but I didn't get any.

I will blog, Fad. Thank you for wanting to read. I guess I need an audience ... and to know that there is an audience. To know that someone care enough to want to read my life and my thoughts. Blogging is also my diary which I can flip back to when my memory is no longer as good. Well, even now, I have memory lapse, which can be quite bad at times.

I am not what I was, I don't know what I am or want to be. Only time will tell ....

Yesterday I saw two movies back to back. I haven't done that for a long long time. Back when I was in secondary, (wow, that seems so ancient and makes me so old haha) I used to watched two to three movies in a day at one shot. Back then one has to travel some distances to get to the next cinema, not like today when one can get different movies at one spot. Favourite was from Capitol to Odeon to Cathay. Once a while will be Orchard, Cathay and Capitol/or Odeon combination. And sometimes all the way to Lido/Cathay combination, which is from one end to the other end of Orchard Road, and/or Capitol or Odeon haha. I was a mad movie addict :-)

Today going to the cinema is not as fun. If one chose not to channel surf between HBO(including the 3 sub-HBO), StarMovies and Cinema, one can watch a few movies in one location, if provided one can find nice movies to watch. I suppose the hopping from one cinema to another cinema was an adventure for me which I totally enjoyed back then, apart from the movies themselves hehe.

I blog again

It isn't easy but I know that I have no choice. Whoever said we have a choice in what we do with our lives is wrong. We can try but the choice we attempt is always up to others whether we will get it or not. Especially friendship.

I used 2 feel optimist in life, that I deserve better. But having failed so many times, I doubt I can find any best friend. I need a best friend. But am not going to expect any chance of getting one anymore. I am defeated. I thought having find a few people that I care would be enough, but it didn't. If only I am given a chance to be their friend, a real friend. We could have been close friends these last two years, the way as I had wanted to, if only they had given me that chance. But it didn't happen.

My life is unbalanced. And I don't expect it to change. There is so much I don't like about it, but I have no choice or hope of changing it. And I will not try. I have problems, but seeing how there are others who are worse off, I consider myself lucky. Still, it doesn't changed the fact that I still have my problems. Just smaller by comparison.

The Suntec Dance competition is on this Saturday 8th Sep. I plan to watch. Hope can. Singapore has good dancers. May the best dancers get what they want. Even if they may not win, they are winners in somebody's else book.

I blog again!

My online friends

I share this blog with the selected few in my hearttohearts list. Though I may have a few other people that I have met along the way, you people are very special to me, without whom, I may not have last this long without going insane. Thank you Didy, Zana, Nur, Fad and Jas.

Through you people, I was able to have my dosage of interaction which I couldn't with real people. I was able to share myself. I have friends.

Zana, Fad and Jas, you got my email addr. You are always welcome to message me.

When you can find the time haha, yes Fad, I know you are busy and I do appreciate your reply once a while, a long while haha. Nah just joking, you don't need to feel oblige just because I email you.

Zana, hope you will be happy again .. I wish I know how to help you, but you can always sms me if you need anything ok?

Jas, really appreciate chatting with you on WLNY. I began to want to do it everytime, which I think I shouldn't. And too expensive doing it on my mobile phone haha. But I don't mind. It was money well spend.

Nur, though we only tag each other, you are just as important to me. Hope they build Starbuck nearby for you soon hehe.

Didy, I don't know if you read this blog as you have never tag me, but thank you for being there when I needed you in the past.

All of you mean a lot to me.

Almost two years ago I started blogging ... on moblog .. because I couldn't share my thoughts with anyone, especially Su. She was the one who drove me back to blogging after I stopped with Gamma, another community blogsite. She was the one who made me want to confide, but alas, she didn't want to listen. Now, her words hurt me ... again. I don't feel like opening up my feeling or thoughts to anyone again.

Should I not blog again, just remember, I will still read your blogs. Maybe tag or comment on your blogs now and then. May all of you find your happiness! Treasure your friends ... as I have treasure your friendship here. You have been great!

I am hurting inside .. but I will do it alone. I wil cry alone.

I will miss you all!

Take care.

Goodbye ...

Helping my good friends

All I want to do is to help them. I don't expect them to return their friendship in return, only to accept me for who I am and what I want to be ... someone who is willing to offer his friendship without any string attach. I may not able to do much but what I can do, I will. Be it simply to tag bag or topping-up. That also I am not able to do.

But they don't understand. I may seem being sensitive, but I have no more confidence in myself anymore, for when they reject my help, they reject me. I am disappointed. All I want is them accepting my help, for that is all I know how to do for them. It means a lot to me if I can do something.

None of them understands, none of them accept my wish. I may be helping others but I can't help those that matter most. It makes me wonder why I should care to help the rest.

Life without good friends is empty ..... emptiness hurts ....

4th Aug

Something happened the other day. First thing on my mind is to sms Nd. But I can't. I shouldn't. Haiz. She is still important to me as a friend I want to confide to. But I can't.

I got to work with her the yesterday ... finally. I feel she did a great job given the situation we had. And I messaged her. I know I shouldn't. Maybe she will think that I am trying to win her friendship or something. I just want to encourage her of doing a great job. We all need words of encouragement. Work can be stressful. I know. I didn't get any when I was an officer. And maybe that was why I gave it up. I had nobody to turn to and nobody encourage and support me.

Anyway, Nd has leadership quality, I can see that. I told her in my sms. Whether I make a mistake in smsing her, it doesn't matter. I do not need to win anybody friendship anymore. I tried to be uncaring and not helpful, but I fail. Yesterday I showed my helpfulness again. WTH! I can't even be a bad guy. I hate being caring.

But if I help somebody, it is because I want to. And not that I want to win their friendship. I have tried to find friends the last two years, having find a few. I am not trying anymore. People don't care about how I feel. But why should they anyway?

I know I have written this before. Time and time again, I feel like not to blog anymore. There is so much I want to blog about but I am not doing so. Lately I began to write more about them again. I am hurting inside. I need my friends. But I don't have them. I don't know. I am confused. My life is so upsidedown. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't want to open my feeling to anybody. Nobody want a man who is so emo. Yes, I am emo. I don't want to be like this. But feeling is not easy to control.

Su's birthday is over. I never get to see her. I never get to wish her personally ...

I am drained. I am tired. I wish I don't have to be me ....

Suhaili's Birthday

I will not be able to celebrate her birthday with her, like the others, as usual. I want to, but I know I can't as she will not want me to. But I will be with her on her special day, if only in my heart. To me, she will always be my good friend. Even if she don't wish me to be hers. I hope she will have a good birthday celebration with her friends and family.

Happy Birthday Suhaili!

May God watches over you.

Dance movie that inspire and Work that don't

Saw Staying Alive ... again, well part of it on Star Movie anyway. Had been a long time since I last saw it, seen it a few times back then. It is one of those inspiring movies on dance. It had given me motivation to continue dancing. Time and time again, whenever I watched one of those dance movies, I was inspired to continue my dancing, that dancing is what I love to do. Even now. Sometimes I feel like I had given it up too early ... that I should have still stay in this line. I don't know. Maybe I couldn't survive, but at least I would be happy doing what I love.

I don't enjoy doing what I am now. Maybe I did before but I don't feel the job nowaday .. not anymore. Think it was about a year ago. That was why it was important that I need their friendship. There is nobody here that will want me to look forward to coming to work to. If one don't enjoy one's work, at least if there are friends, there is something to look forward to. I got nothing. Yes, I do look forward to seeing some of them, but it will be just that, see them. If they don't let me be part of them, fine with me. I don't care that anymore. I am not looking for friends anymore. Colleagues okay, if they allow me to, not friends. Even to those special few, I don't want to confide my feeling or thoughts to them anymore. What I feel or thought, it will stay within me. Maybe I will blog some of those, when I feel like doing so.

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danceal is sad, danceal is lonely. danceal got problem. But this is danceal problem. Everybody has their own problems. danceal is willing to make their problem danceal problem. danceal is willing to help them if they need it. But danceal will not ask them to help danceal. They didn't want to help so danceal will not ask anymore.

danceal is done!

30th July

Yesterday I was late for work. Twenty minutes. All because I went shopping in the morning. Metro at Tampines, again, which was having 80% off on most items due to it closing down. I like Metro. Used to visit it almost every week because I was working nearby. Hey, I worked there once, but left volunteerly due they didn't want to confirm me. Why should I put in my effort when they didn't appreciate me? Haha, well, I didn't really put in much effort at that time.

I have always enjoy being in the Kitchen section of a department store, like Isetan, Metro. I like Robinsons best. But I haven't been there lately though. It has good kitchen appliance section. All those shiny pots and pans and accessories, wow! So nice to see them on display. But they are pretty expensive there. If only I have the money, I will buy them and display in my kitchen, and use them when I do my cooking as well of course hehe. Only thing is, if I may do buy, I may want to buy a new house and have all the rooms turn into my kitchen! I will have the most humongous kitchen in Singapore!

I saw Nd yesterday. In my heart I was happy, but didn't want to sms her.It is so easy just to pickup the handphone and sms her. I wanted so much to. Though I did send a goodnite sms. I know I shouldn't. I still feel the urge to confide to her. Both she and Su. But I can't. Though there will be others, somehow, I will still feel the need to want to confide to Nd or Su, but I know it is something I can never will as they do not want me to. I don't blame them for not wanting to, afterall who am I to them? They are moving on with their lives, but I guess I am still stuck in my dream of wanting them to be my good friends.

But it is this dream perhaps that prevent me from going insane. And my online friends. I may have my family, but it is not enough. I know I am not living realisticly, some perhaps will advise me to give up. But for now, they are all I have. I have no confidence in the real world. I have failed too many times that it is not worth looking for something that may be impossible. Where can you find a world that accept male-female platonic relationship? Society don't accept it, even if those I care for may be willing to give it a try.

I am sentimental. I choose friends based on my feeling. They are good people, just that I was not meant to be their friend. I just hope that I am strong enough this time to be on my own.

Like and Don't like to see ...

What I don't like to see (at random order):
1) People standing side by side on escalator or pathway. I always stand behind
or in front of my partner so others can move forward,
2) Football
3) People talking badly about others when they are no better.
4) Friends gathering together
5) Lovers breaking up
6) Friends breaking up
7) Food leftover, I mean really alot
8) Bully
9) Tears from those I care
10) Football. Oops I mentioned it, but nevermind, will include again haha

What I like to see (at random order):
1) Second season of Heroes
2) Nature at its worse
3) Nature at its best
4) Friends gathering together (well, I do, most of the times.)
5) Rozanah finding happiness again
6) Dancers doing their stuff
7) Dayang Nurfaizah in person
8) World peace (I want to be Mr World 2007 ... maybe 2008 also can?)
9) Desserts at buffet table
10) Saturday Straits Times, coz has plenty of advertisements of sales, especially handphones

Only listed ten though I can think of more when I am at my solitude. Which is happening more often nowaday.

So .. why am I doing a list? Don't know, haha! Just blogging randomly.

The Young and Restless

Somebody left me in thought about parent/child communication. Or rather lack of communication.

Youth in general do not tell their parents about their private lives, especially boyfriend/girlfriend. Sometimes due to their parents wanting them to concentrate on their studies and such. I can understand their fear. I suppose the parents are to be blamed for any miscommunication or lack of it they create between them and their kids.

I will want my kids to tell me if they have a new boyfriend. Not that I want to control them but just wanting to be updated. Afterall, I care for them. I feel it is better for the parent to guide their kids. Sometimes they may want a listening ear, and if they have your approval, they may approach you if they encounter any problem. I want to be there for them in their times of need.

I know that wanting to be updated can be misinterpreted to mean to control. It happens among friends too. I will always respect others privacy. I just hope that the people I care, whether family or friends, will see that I all I want is to know what is happening. To be updated on their lives don't have to mean wanting to control their lives. It helps me to know them better. And helps me to care for them.

Life is complicated. It don't have to be, if only everyone is given a chance to be understood. Sometimes one's action only serve to be misinterpreted by others. And misunderstanding leads to breakdown and breakup. A pity!

Pity and sad!!

25th July

Read an article in the newspaper, about this lady who was comfortable with her gay friends for she found them more easy to relate to her emotions and such. If only I had known her, perhaps she could confide with me too, though I may not be gay. But sometimes I wish I was, haha, as then my female colleagues can be more willing to confide with me.

I wish I can stop buying things, but seeing how ridiculously cheap some things are, I couldn't stop myself from buying. Yesterday I got for myself a digital camera, finally. It wasn't very very cheap, but for what I am getting for, the price seems reasonable. It is a Panasonic Lumix DMC-TZ1. I have not test it yet, but will find the time to test the camera the few days .. I hope.
Isn't this a beauty?

I bought a baju kurung though you may ask why I need one haha. Okay, it was on sale at a good price, $8 down from $29.90 as stated in the price tag. What is more interesting is that when the cashier scanned it, I got the baju at $5.90 haha. If that is not a bargain, I don't know what is hehe.
Me relaxing in the baju to take a snapshot. It is comfortable to wear.

Also bought a polo shirt .. lady's design. Hey, just because I mention gay earlier don't mean I am one. I like the lady's version better, more stylist. I look better in the cutting haha.

I wanted to go clubbing or a movie yesterday, but my partner wasn't interested, so didn't do any. I have no choice, unless I do it alone, got nobody to ask.

My social life isn't up to me, just whatever others want. So be it!

My Handphone

This is my collection of handphones, though the older models are not working. Still kept them haha.

My new handphone SE660i is not in the photo. Mostly using the N6110i. I am glad that I got this phone. My handphone is only good for the mp3 function and the occasional photo taking. And the internet surfing. Without anyone to sms or call, the handphone is practically silence.

So why am I still constantly changing to a newer model? I guess I enjoy new toy. So the N6110i is a good toy to have. With nobody to sms, I just switched on the GPS and watched the journey on my handpone as the bus went from point A to point B. Used to sms to them, but they don't want to sms me anymore. I consider myself lucky when I do get any reply. Now, there is one person less to sms. Though I had cut down the smses to them, I still need to sms. So it really hurts me that she didn't want me to sms at all, especially as she was the one that I started to open up, using sms to communicate. Sms is a convenient way for me to express myself to people I care, and keeping in touch. But alas, it seems they are not interested in keeping in touch with me.

Time and time again, the thought of closing myself came to mind. Now, I felt like doing so again, stop blogging as I don't want to open up my feeling. As long as I want to share my feeling and thoughts, I will want a close friend. I don't know what to do. Maybe I will avoid blogging about my personal feeling, telling myself that nobody want to hear anyway. I want to be cold, unfriendly. Maybe then, I will not get hurt easily if nobody wants me. Maybe then I can stand on my own again, be a loner once again.

I have nice handphone but have no use for a handphone actually. I can always use an MP3 player or a PDA, which by the way I do have both haha. Even now I am eyeing the new SE 850i 5megapixel cybershot. Crazy, ain't I? Maybe I am crazy.

Crazy enough that it is better that nobody be my friend, as they are better off without me ... or they will suffer under my insanity.

If my handphone is going to be silent, then, I will be silent too!

Enough said!

21st July

Happy Birthday Yulianah!

Her sms killed all hope

I have tried so hard this one year or so, hoping they will accept me. Her sms killed all hope. I have tried to be a better person everytime they reprimand me, learning to be more tolerant. I was optimistic again after my last setback. But now, what is there to be optimistic? Friends are everything to me, especially them. But they do not want to give me that chance. I had given the world a chance, but after this, why should I give the world a chance?

I didn't get my chance. They didn't want to try to understand.

My friendship didn't mean anything to them!


It hurts ...

Why?

Why can't she try to understand?

I need her help as much as I want to give what I can to help her. None of them want to understand.

Why has it to be this way?

Pregnancy

There was this report where the lady died while giving birth to a twin. It was such a tragedy, when one should be celebrating but instead death has struck. Sometimes I can't help blaming us guys for putting the lives of our loved ones in danger.

She will be the one who will suffer during the gestation period, carrying the baby inside her, putting up with all the stuffs, like morning sickness, swollen belly and body. It is not easy being pregnant. I can't imagine how it is like, nobody can unless having gone through it herself. But it is no childplay.

All this because of us guys wanting to have sex with them. Because of our sex drive, we are putting our partners in danger. Yes, it is not everyday that someone die while giving birth, but the danger is still there. This recent case shows that.

Our lives is always fill with uncertainties. Pregnancy is part of the uncertainties in the equation male-female relationship. A guy can only, no, it should be always, love the girl he has sex with, for she is the one who will carry part of him in her.

Gals are not toys or plaything, somebody you want to have fun with when you like it. There is a life at stake.

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I wonder how Suhaili is coping with her pregnancy. I want to ask her, but I probably will not get much answer from her, just "fine" maybe. Even though she don't want to be my friend, I still care for her. Like a real sister, I can't just drop my feeling by saying so. Don't ask me why, I can't answer. I know I will still think about how she is doing, long after I may not see her again.

Just like I had care for Serena. Even though it had been a long time, more than 20years, maybe? Not seeing or hearing from her doesn't mean I will care any less. It only makes me feel more frustrated not able to know what is happening.

Life is short. Why can't I have the friendship from those I care so much for?

17th July

Sunday was a little time of tidying the house. Well, really a little, as didn't feel like doing it after a little shuffle of things haha. Did a little cooking as well. Here a sample of the penne I cook


Money coming in always doesn't seem to be enough. Seem like it is always more going out. Haiz. If only money can grow on tree, I want to get one.

I really don't like chinese. I am not against chinese, but just not working and talking in chinese. Hey, I haven't watch any chinese drama serials or listen to chinese songs for a long long time. Maybe a year? I can't remember when was the last time. I didn't even listen to chinese new year songs this year, accept for the occasional blast of the songs from shopping malls.

The last year or so is mostly malay songs whenever I play my mp3. Usually Dayang, I like her songs.

I must try to save up some money, but haiz ... sometimes I think I shop to compensate my emptiness of friendship, not able to spend time with them. Or maybe simply I love shopping. I don't know ....

New handphones for me?

So I did it, called me crazy, mad, silly, whatever ...
especially having just got myself a Nokia Navigator ... but I have bought SE660i haha


I just can't resist this red phone, especially the back design.

Lovely isn't it?

Okay, got my new phone, correction, new phones haha. But I have my eyes on this two coming model hehe.
SE K850i, a cyber-shot phone.
SE W960i, a sleek walkman phone with 8GB memory. And a touchscreen too.

So many option .. now, if only have so many money to spend as well haha. I am broke!!

Friday 13th July

Okay, it almost didn't get to a good start. My alarm rang but I swithced it off and fell asleep again. Lucky I made it more than the time I needed, so even though it was half an hour later when I finally woke up, I would not be late. Or so I thought. I was later than usual when I went to wait for my transport. Waited a while, still no sign of my bus, thought maybe I had missed it. Lucky it came just as I was about to stop a cab.

I don't want to talk about the bad things that happened, I want to make this a great Friday 13th. Well, at least to remember the nice things on this day.

Saw the three of them, though they never talk to me, but it didn't matter. I don't expect them to anyway. I felt warm just being able to see them. It means that they are okay. I hope.

Was suppose to OT, but I didn't want to. I managed to avoid doing, why should I please them,when I wasn't even given my meal allowance for the day. All I want is to go home. I was hungry, as usual, got nobody to go with, so didn't go to the canteen.

And home is where my doughnut is waiting ... yummy!!


Had bought this the night before at Carrefour, one for one box. So I could eat it today after work.

Will not be going to club tonight as I originally plan to, but as she prefers to watch a movie, so it shall be.

The new SE 660i is beautiful .. it is a limited edition I was told.


I wish I can buy it. But I just bought a new nokia6110 and a SE800i. How to buy now? Will put a stress on my pocket if add any installment plan to those I already am on. Haiz. I want this 660i ...

Oh well ... maybe will one day haha

Education

The education system here may not be everyone's favourite, but any system has its flaws or praises. Maybe some may find it to their advantage while some may fine it a hindrance to their development. Our way of education is not perfect. But neither is other countries too. It may look good when you are not part of it, but it is different when you are pursuing your education there. There is no perfect education system anywhere. That is what I think.

Yes, what we learn in school may not be beneficial in the real world. But at that point in time, do we know what will be our future in one, two or three years time? We can only hope that what we learn in school will help us somehow. For the moment, we can only pursue the paper qualification that is needed to get a head start to our career. The employer-to-be can only picture us with the paper we produce to them.

Yes, that piece of paper may not be of any use. But at least think of it as an achievement you have done. Unless you buy that piece of paper from some online site haha. There are degrees and even higher, qualified people who gave up their positions to do lesser qualified jobs, and there are people who don't have any papers but yet doing well in higher posts. The future is unknown. Do you want to sacrifice education, attaining what you can achieve, just because you think the subjects you are learning at such and such institute of education is not important?

I can't remember much of my younger days. I know I was lucky that I passed my "O" level, because I never really did much studying at that time. It was still TV and movies for me, even during exam period hehe. I went to poly but my luck ran out on my first year. So I missed out on getting a diploma. At that time, I didn't think it would be useful. And so I went from one job to another, not knowing what I wanted, just as long as it paid money. None of them really satisfied me. Till I learnt dancing.

And so began my career in dancing, that spanned over 10 years. I still dream of dancing to this day. But I had to give it up, as I wasn't a great dancer and a mediacre dancer can't make money. So I landed a job, which was fine till I find I feel empty inside. Without friends and a satisfying job, I daydream.

Yes, what I had learnt in school wasn't much use in the real world. But some basic things do apply now and then. Maybe if I had stayed in poly, then found out I love dancing, my diploma would have gone to waste. Yet maybe not as my path may follow a different route. What we have not done, we can't say that we will not do.

So, never think what we are learning will not be useful. Education is part of our lives, and we are continuously learning daily without learning.

Go study the highest you can, if you have the money. And while you are still young. Don't put it off, thinking you can do it later. Not everyone can have the mindset to study once they have stopped for one reason or another.

Be thankful that you can get into polytechic or university. There are more who can't. Even though you may not be studying what you really want to, do the best you can. Who knows, maybe you may learn to like it in a few months time.

Let us hope that any future changes in education system will be to more people liking.