Memoir of friendship

I gave half-boiled (well, think it was threequartered though) eggs too generous doses of pepper and black soysauce (I think Fad would love it haha). It has been a while since I had it for breakfast. Read recently somewhere that having eggs isn't as bad as some people said. Well, I suppose everything in moderation is okay.

The more I wanted to speak to them, the more I would keep silence. I don't know, I just couldn't make myself to approach them, I have so many things I want to talk about with them, but I just couldn't make myself to do it. If those I want to chat with don't want to chat with me, then I have nobody else. I suppose the fear of them not interested in talking to me is always there. The other day had the chance to work and sit next to Bai. We talked a little now and then, but only about work. She is one of those that I like to be friend with, but was disappointed when she ignored me. There are only a few people that I am interested in chatting with, but if I can't chat with them, I rather be silent. She too gave sign that she doesn't want to talk with me.

They have nothing to lose, I am the one who lose out on friendship. But I can't do anything about it. I can always mix around with others, but I will know I can't open to any of them. They will be just casual acquaintances who will disappear from my life the minute we don't see each other anymore. Even now nobody bother to ask me along even when they see me. I rather have few good friends that will keep in touch with me long after we don't work together. But it looks like it will not happen. Again.

I like to mention that I appreciate Sab who is the only person who bother to sms me sometimes to ask me to go along for makan. I appreciate her company. I wish it can be more often, but I know it is not likely to.

Sometimes the more you want something, and strive for it, the more likely you will fail. I have encountered this time and time again with friendship. I used to just keep quiet and hopefully they will understand if I just show my interest by being there for them. But it didn't work. This time, I let them know my intention, hoping it would help to buildup the friendship, but it backfired on me. I still lost.

I was thinking when I came back to blog, I will refrain from talking about my failure, but I want to keep this blog as a memoir of my life. And my thoughts about friendship was the reason I had started blogging in the first place. If I keep on and on about it, I do apologise for the repetitive issue I keep writing about, and hope those who read my blog will understand. Something happened that prompt me to write about my longing again.

And in case anyone think I have a uncaring colleagues out there, I like to mention that they are nice people, most of them anyway. It is just me, seeking for their friendship from certain people and not getting it. I don't care if most of them don't bother about me, I don't bother about them anyway. It is just that sometimes (well, most of the time actually) I do wish I can be part of them. But for now, I will stay a loner. I did try but have failed. I don't want to try anymore.

Besides a few from moblog, I especially like to thank Zana, Nur, Jas and Fad for your friendship here. Life would have been more silent if not for you people. It does help me knowing that at least someone is listening.