My online friends

I share this blog with the selected few in my hearttohearts list. Though I may have a few other people that I have met along the way, you people are very special to me, without whom, I may not have last this long without going insane. Thank you Didy, Zana, Nur, Fad and Jas.

Through you people, I was able to have my dosage of interaction which I couldn't with real people. I was able to share myself. I have friends.

Zana, Fad and Jas, you got my email addr. You are always welcome to message me.

When you can find the time haha, yes Fad, I know you are busy and I do appreciate your reply once a while, a long while haha. Nah just joking, you don't need to feel oblige just because I email you.

Zana, hope you will be happy again .. I wish I know how to help you, but you can always sms me if you need anything ok?

Jas, really appreciate chatting with you on WLNY. I began to want to do it everytime, which I think I shouldn't. And too expensive doing it on my mobile phone haha. But I don't mind. It was money well spend.

Nur, though we only tag each other, you are just as important to me. Hope they build Starbuck nearby for you soon hehe.

Didy, I don't know if you read this blog as you have never tag me, but thank you for being there when I needed you in the past.

All of you mean a lot to me.

Almost two years ago I started blogging ... on moblog .. because I couldn't share my thoughts with anyone, especially Su. She was the one who drove me back to blogging after I stopped with Gamma, another community blogsite. She was the one who made me want to confide, but alas, she didn't want to listen. Now, her words hurt me ... again. I don't feel like opening up my feeling or thoughts to anyone again.

Should I not blog again, just remember, I will still read your blogs. Maybe tag or comment on your blogs now and then. May all of you find your happiness! Treasure your friends ... as I have treasure your friendship here. You have been great!

I am hurting inside .. but I will do it alone. I wil cry alone.

I will miss you all!

Take care.

Goodbye ...

Helping my good friends

All I want to do is to help them. I don't expect them to return their friendship in return, only to accept me for who I am and what I want to be ... someone who is willing to offer his friendship without any string attach. I may not able to do much but what I can do, I will. Be it simply to tag bag or topping-up. That also I am not able to do.

But they don't understand. I may seem being sensitive, but I have no more confidence in myself anymore, for when they reject my help, they reject me. I am disappointed. All I want is them accepting my help, for that is all I know how to do for them. It means a lot to me if I can do something.

None of them understands, none of them accept my wish. I may be helping others but I can't help those that matter most. It makes me wonder why I should care to help the rest.

Life without good friends is empty ..... emptiness hurts ....

4th Aug

Something happened the other day. First thing on my mind is to sms Nd. But I can't. I shouldn't. Haiz. She is still important to me as a friend I want to confide to. But I can't.

I got to work with her the yesterday ... finally. I feel she did a great job given the situation we had. And I messaged her. I know I shouldn't. Maybe she will think that I am trying to win her friendship or something. I just want to encourage her of doing a great job. We all need words of encouragement. Work can be stressful. I know. I didn't get any when I was an officer. And maybe that was why I gave it up. I had nobody to turn to and nobody encourage and support me.

Anyway, Nd has leadership quality, I can see that. I told her in my sms. Whether I make a mistake in smsing her, it doesn't matter. I do not need to win anybody friendship anymore. I tried to be uncaring and not helpful, but I fail. Yesterday I showed my helpfulness again. WTH! I can't even be a bad guy. I hate being caring.

But if I help somebody, it is because I want to. And not that I want to win their friendship. I have tried to find friends the last two years, having find a few. I am not trying anymore. People don't care about how I feel. But why should they anyway?

I know I have written this before. Time and time again, I feel like not to blog anymore. There is so much I want to blog about but I am not doing so. Lately I began to write more about them again. I am hurting inside. I need my friends. But I don't have them. I don't know. I am confused. My life is so upsidedown. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't want to open my feeling to anybody. Nobody want a man who is so emo. Yes, I am emo. I don't want to be like this. But feeling is not easy to control.

Su's birthday is over. I never get to see her. I never get to wish her personally ...

I am drained. I am tired. I wish I don't have to be me ....