Birthday and wishes

Today is Farhana's birthday, happy birthday Farhana!

I remember her birthday every year, as well as the others. But every year I never get to celebrate her birthday with her. I wish I can, but I dare not ask, for fear that she will reject my wish. I will be disappointed.

Recently, I finally did ask someone, and was disappointed. They mean a lot as friends to me. I wish they can be my close friends, but I accepted that I cannot be. I know I can be just another casual friend.

I want to share their special day with them. That is all I can ask. So the more I want, the more I will be disappointed if they say it isn't necessary. As long as I have the opportunity to stay in touch with them, I have to be satisfied with just sending birthday wishes to them. After all, it is their birthdays, more important is that their wishes are met.

Soon they will move on, most already do. But I will try to remember their birthdays still .... for memories of them are what that keep me sane in a friendless and lonely world of mine.

Family is not enough, we need friends ....

hip not hopping ...

After a year of non-exercise, I am finally doing something. Though it isn't easy doing hiphop at my age. The heart is willing but the body is aching haha.

I don't know how much effort they are putting into the performance, they may be getting the steps, but I don't see the style or energy. Dancing is not about remembering steps, but feeling the dance and putting up a great performance.

I am still trying, but I don't know if they see the style that should be executed. In the end, I am afraid that it may just be a dance, not hiphop, not the way that should be danced as choreographed by Ash. Yes, people may like it, but it will be a let-down.

I will really like to dance with real hiphop dancers.

miss you at work

All I can do is pray that you will recover from your injury soon. I miss you at work, I do miss your company... take care dear shiftmate ...

letting you down

I am sorry ...

You were among the few that had let me join when having meal break. The last few weeks, I was always alone during my break. The last time I had company was with you. Yesterday, it happened that she asked me to join her. I had avoided her the previous time, when you wanted us to go together. That time, she had asked me first before you. But I would rather go with you. I didn't want to say no to her, then went with you, so I didn't go with either of you, choosing to eat alone instead. But yesterday .... I was reluctant to say yes at first, but she kept asking. You haven't tell me when you would be free to go, though you had said we would go together. I didn't know why I agreed to join her. I should have say no. I should have.

It had happened to me always, people said they would call me, but went with others instead. Yesterday I had done that to you. I don't like it when others did to me, and here I am doing it to you. It was no excuse for me to disappoint you. I am disappointed with myself for doing it to you.

You had on a couple of occasion accompanied me, even when you already had your meal. You were the second person who had kept me company though you were not eating. I really appreciate that. I do miss Samsidar, and I know I will miss you too. I don't have any real friends, people here will always treat me as another colleague. Even you. It doesn't matter. I know I can't have any real friends.

Yesterday I had let you down, I had disappointed you, you said it was okay. But I will never forgive myself for that.

I am sorry, Baidura.

msn

msn isn't msn unless one has someone to chat with. I have nobody ...

msn is useless to me nowadays ...

not there ...

So much I want to say, but they are not there to listen ...
so much I want to know about them, yet they are not willing to share with me ...