Being 50, going 16

6.15am, I often see this old man making his early morning walk, shuffling along a distance that takes him 5mins which I will take less than a minute. I admire him for making an effort to make himself mobile at his age, but I dread to see the day that I will be like his condition. I don't want to be 80 and hardly mobile.

I may be over 50 but my heart is still 22, maybe even 18 or 16. I think I always see myself as young inside haha. Only thing is that my body can't keep up or rather remain still with my preferred age lolx! If I am still 22, I could have taken part in the Suntec dance competition!

When I was 16, the only thing on my mind was movies and comics. Dancing wasn't in me yet. Or looking for close relationship. I was a loner. I enjoyed being alone, and doing things alone. If I had a friend, he needed to catch up with me going to 2-3 cinemas within a day, and during those times it would take 15mins the least to cross over to the next cinema. There was no cineplex. It would be hard to find someone like that. Yes, I didn't need a friend back then.

Now, eversince Chris awakened what I needed but didn't realise, it is a different story. I had often feel something was missing in my life, and I am not talking about find a girlfriend. A girlfriend or wife may not necessary be your confidant, though often she may be also. In my case, I often find it in someone else. If only they are willing ...

When I am 80, I still want to dance, and I am not talking about ballroom or line dancing. People always ask me if I ballroom or line dance when they hear I dance. Nope, I don't go for that. I prefer contemporary, hiphop and jazz. Will I still be able to dance those? I wish to. I probably still attempt a cartwheel at 80, and end up breaking a bone somewhere haha.

I want to go clubbing, travel, do extreme sports like rock climbing or wakeboarding. But I can't or don't have friends doing it. I often hear people said that they are past clubbing, or too old to do this or that, but I am over 50 and still long for it. They have mentally kill their age. Me, I am still 22 haha. It will be nice if I have young friends who do those thing so they will invite me along. But I don't. And it isn't fun doing them alone. Also, I want to perform, I want to dance while my body still can.

Age is a fearful factor. No matter how old I think I am, be it 16 or 22, my body age will hinder what I want to do. Right now I can still climb 2 steps at a time going up a stair but for how long? I need to exercise and hopefully it will delay my body ageing. The only worry I will have then is injury or whatever that may come to immobilise me. Currently I enjoy my mobility so I fear of being immobile. But going towards 80 and beyond, that may be a probability :( I rather die earlier!

Dance, friends and family. Three things that keeps me going. I don't know how long more I can dance, and as for friends, I still don't have someone that I can turn to. So I have only my family. But from the past, I know that that is not enough ... but it is probably how it will be, and I have to live with that no matter how hurt I may feel inside. I don't expect and will not look for that friendship that have elude me. And though I long to find a close friend, I want to stop dreaming. Dream is nice to have, but for me, it will be just a dream.

I will always be 16, and sometimes 22, even if I get to be 80 physically!