my dream is a dream only.

My dream, my wish ..... Why is it always so hard to have a close friend? My dream if having a close friend seems so unattainable. It is not that I haven't one. In fact I found a few that seems so likely, but turned out a failure. My fault. I was stupid to share how I felt. They were not even a friend. I am only an uncle. I took their friendliness as wanting to be friend. They were just being kind. I don't blame them for misunderstanding me. I wish they had talk to me first. But they were angry, and anger has never been reasonable. I will not try to explain, don't think they will listen anyway. Haiz .... I am always unlucky. I only regret that I have lost any chance of being friend with them. I will like to visit them when they get married, to see them at their happiest moment. I miss them already.

Dear WH, I can't express how grateful I have been in having you around, but I will try. For maybe I may never get the chance to say it. Let is short, friendship last much shorter. Some we lost because they left us, some we let go because for one reason or another. I dont have any real friend outside, the only friends I have are my colleagues. Yet I can't really say they are friends, for once work is done, I suppose the friendship is done too, till the next day haha. I really need someone I have as a close friend. Someone who care for me as much as I care for her. A friend that I can confide and share what I feel and done. And I will listen to hers too. It hasn't been easy for me, I have found a few I like as my close friend, but failing each tome. I have been unlucky always. This time I found four, but yet to know if it will work. I don't know if you will accept me either. But this I know, I will treasure knowing you, and the others, and in my heart, you all will always be my friend.

I rather see them happy.

Sometimes we do certain things because we want to make ourselves happy, but not knowing that we may stress the people we care, making them unhappy. Relationship, be it among family or friends, is a delicate process of understanding and respecting each other and each other space. The bond can only be there if we make effort to build the relationship. I will not give stress to people I want as my friends by asking them to please me. I want to see them happy, see their smiling faces, even if I may not be the one they are smiling at. I rather be the one unhappy.

letting go, with a sad heart.

a couple of days older, not necessarily wiser. Was foolish to think I can be accepted, just because they were nice and friendly. I still think they would make good friends, but they may not find me convenient to be friend with, basically our language barrier. I may not find that a real problem, but obviously they do. Whatever their reasons, I only know that I have lost my chance to have close friends. Again. I feel sad, feeling not appreciated to be anyone close friend. But nothing I can do if they don't want to give me a chance. I don't want to stress them. I want them to be happy, so ... am letting go and moving on ..... with a sad heart.

stranger

I can only be a stranger, then, a stranger I will be. Time ticks away everyday. One day is gone, one day less to share. Why do I bother? Yet I do. Maybe because I care. I care too much for them .... Funny thing, for a person who treasures friendship so much, yet dont have a real friend.

sick, physically and emotionally

One thing about me, even if I am sick, I can still eat, sometimes more, as often hungry haha. At times like this, when I am sick, I wish I have somebody to chat, to distract me from the pain. But it will not happen, as I don't have anyone close who is willing to humour a sick man. This is suppose to be my best month, but even before June came, the last week of May saw me suffering pain from my wisdom tooth. Even after it was extracted, the suffering never stop. Up to today, my mouth still hurt now and then. Besides the surgery part, I developed an ulcer around the same side. At least the swollen left had gone. Physical pain, as well as emotional pain. Deciding to give up those I had wanted as my close friend gave me so much stress. I don't really want to give up. I needed them, but they don't need me. They have other friends, I don't have. I wanted so badly for them to accept me. Most probably in time maybe, just maybe. But there isn't tome. Anytime we may not work together anymore. I fear that out of sight, it is easier for them to forget me, as I haven't been include in their circle of friends yet. And then, there is the day when they will be leaving. Leaving forever out of my life probably as we will less likely to cross each other path again. I should have not started seeking their friendship, just like the others, because I know we can only be friends for a short time. I want longlasting friendship. I couldn't get any from the locals, even less with the foreigners. Being sick physically isn't as bad as the pain you get from being emotional.

a new chapter?

Logged date 6 May 2012, I am blogging again. Okay, maybe I am feeling better than a couple of days back, when I really felt lousy inside. Maybe nothing really change, I do feel better now, when I accept my fate. I have always feel that what matter most is that I care for them. Yes I do wish that I can be accepted, I want to be part of their circle. I wish they will call me, even if they don't. see me, like they do with their friends. I want to be their close friend. But I am not. I am just another friend. I can accept that. I am a guy, a married man. Society do not accept that a married man can be close friends with female friends. That is sad. Especially for me.

if things are not fine .....

At time like this, if I had been someone close, maybe they will have let me know if they are not well, if things are not fine. I want to be able to do something for them, to be of help to them. Instead of knowing it when everything is over. And not have done anything. That is what not being a close friend is, you can't get to do things for them. You are not needed.