Christmas without Christmas

I am a Christian, yet I have no Christmas celebration. With work taking most of my Christmas, I don't even celebrate with my family. I was hoping it would be a good Christmas at work, but, my colleagues did't wish me. Only Adik remembered. I guess I should be satisfy with that. One is better than none.

How I wish I have a Christmas party ... celebration with friends ....

But of course, how do one celebrate when one has no close friend? I guess this is a Christmas joke to me, instead of a gift ....

Alone at the ...

Once again, I was alone. It wasn't often I got to get an invite, but often I ended up being at the place alone.

I often decline to go unless the person means something, someone I take as a friend. As usual, people arranged to go without including me in their plans. I guess I should be used to it, but somehow I don't. Especially since I would like very much to be there together with them. At least one of them. She knew I was going too. If only I could be included in their arrangement. I would like to have some time outside of work to spend time together with her. In the end, when I reached there, she had left. I was there alone.

For several years, I didn't have any invitation. At least now I have a few. But ... I don't like to be at a wedding or engagement alone. Maybe I am better off not being invited .....

Christmas ...

Watching "This Christmas" on cable ...

I haven't feel christmas for a few years now, though it is still a special time of the year. I still make sure that the family get their christmas presents. Yet ...

Hearing the christmas songs in the movie, well, it was a nice feeling ...

"Hang all the mistletoe
Im gonna get to know you better, yeah
This christmas
And as we trim the tree
How much fun its gonna be together, yeah ha
This christmas

Fireside is blazing bright
Were caroling through the night
And this christmas, will be yeah
A very special christmas, for me yeah

Presents and cards are here
My world is filled with cheer and you, ohh yeah
This christmas
And as I look around
Your eyes outshine the town, they do
This christmas
Fireside is blazing bright
Were caroling through the night

And this christmas, will be
A very special christmas, for me yeah

Alright, break it down, ha ha ha

Ooh yeah, yeah yeah, alright
Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Alright now, right now, now

Fireside, oh, is blazing bright
Were caroling through the night, yeah
And this christmas, will be, oh
A very special christmas, for me yeah
And this christmas, will be
A very special christmas, for me oh oh

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Merry christmas, ooh yeah
Gonna have a merry christmas, ohh yeah, oh oh
Merry christmas, oh it will be
Oh, a very very very special christmas
A very special christmas (this christmas)
Alright now, right now, yeah oh
It will be now, oh (this christmas)
Oh, this will be, this will be, baby
A very special
Have a merry merry christmas (hey yeah)
And a happy new year
Oh hey, alright, yeah yeah yeah
Merry christmas
This christmas
Oh this will be, this will be, baby"

This Christmas sung by Chris Brown

Aches ... all over

This is killing me .... but what else do I have?

Next to dancing, I really wish I can have a best friend. But it is unlikely I will have any. Despite having a family, I feel lonely. It is like there is a gap in my life.

I can only turn to dancing, hoping to fill up whatever gap there is. But my body isn't what it used to be. I am feeling the aches all over my body from the rehearsals. My feet feel like it doesn't want to walk, my knees are back to giving me problem. My shoulder, my neck, all shouting for me to keep still. But I can't. I don't want to. For if I don't have my dance, I will go insane. I will feel empty of what makes me feel alive. Next to having friends to make me feel important, I need dancing for motivation.

There is only so much that having a family can do. I used to think that having a family will do. Just me and them. And nobody else. But it has left me being a frustrated man. Now .... it seems that being a frustrated man is the only thing to be.

A frustrated man who must dance with all the aches .... body and heart.

losing her ...

I miss her.

Losing her friendship sadden me. I still thought about the time we had chatting on msn. She was like a best friend .... well, she was my best friend in a way. We would chat almost everyday, talking about almost everything. Maybe I had been too honest with my opinion. I realised now that she wasn't keen on arguing with me when times we had different views. I was too honest about how I felt. I thought being friends one can give honest opinions. I guess I was wrong.

I guess I was wrong in more way than I thought. To me she may be a best friend, but I doubt now that I am to her. She just consider me an online acquaintance. It does make me sad realising this. I like her alot, and hoping we could be best friend online and maybe eventually as real best friend. Maybe I should have shown my face, if that was what could make her comfortable and trust that I really want to be her friend. I was thinking that true friends don't need that, but just honest relationship.

Sometimes being too honest with what we say doesn't work. Like in this case. I have lost someone I wanted to be a best friend. I miss chatting with her. I miss knowing how she is getting on, what she eats for lunch, if she have any breakfast. I miss knowing how her daughter is doing.

Most of all I miss her .... I miss our friendship.