What to talk ....

Nordiana once said that she got nothing to talk to me about. I don't blame her, of course she would not have, as we don't spend time together, and she would not know what subject that I would want to chat. It is the same with anybody.

Only if people meet often and used to each other would subject matter flow easily. Only if people are together will they be able to know what to talk, as topics will popup without having to think what to talk.

Spontaneity is the key to friendship.

of ball and balls

Listening to Erti Hidup .... I still feel so emotional when listening to it.

I am glad the Olympics is over. I hate it when mediacorps replaced all the programmes when there is some games going on, be it football or this time the Olympics. Hey, not everyone is into the games. It is one reason that I hate football, eversince I was younger. I couldn't watch my favourite shows, because it wasn't there, replaced by a silly game of 22 people chasing after a single ball, when all the 22 has two of their own in the first place.

Will I get to club before the month is up? haiz .....

Attachment

I have to learn not to get myself attached to "friends". Afterall, it doesn't help me, as they don't feel the same way about me.

I used to think that if I keep in touch always, they would feel the bond with me. But it has been so many years, it hasn't make any difference. I am still not part of their circle. Sigh. I like to sms them, it is a way for me to chat with them. But it doesn't work. I don't get the response that I want. For all I know, I may be a nuisance with all the smses that I had sent. Suhaili did feel that way. And I lost every chance of being her friend.

If I don't contact them, I fear they will forget me. But even if I do, chances I will too. It is so hard to be their close friend. I shouldn't try anymore.

I am tired ... physically and emotionally. Physically as I find myself less fit. Used to have dancing, the passion help me to stay fit. Emotionally as I find my dream of having a real friend less tangible. Having someone but not having their friendship, it is a strain, so draining to want to gain their friendship. I don't want to try anymore. I will be lost, and empty, but maybe I will still manage my emptiness. I used to be able to, though I have changed now ...

Yes, I have wrote about this a number of occasions, I wasn't succesful of detaching myself from my dream of a real friend. I guess I have to try harder of forgetting this dream.

I wish myself luck.

of love and relationship ....

A colleague has a bad relationship with her fiance. If he isn't interested, why does he went through the engagement? Don't he cares for her feeling? I hate this type of guy, so insensitive to others feeling. He shouldn't have used hurtful words at her. From what she said of him, he is only concerned about himself and his pride.

I hope she will be fine. She is so soft-hearted, and this will hurt her feeling.

Sometimes, I pity those girls who still to their boyfriends when they obviously seem only interested in themselves. If only guys can be more sensitive to their girlfriends. Of course the girls must be reasonable too. Relationship is a give and take situation, though often it may be one is taking more than the others. Life is never fair. One can only hope that the partner we choose will be the right one. He or she may not be perfect, so don't go out to look for perfection, but most of all, the two should care and love each other, and be sensitive to each other needs.

Love may be blind at times, but love can also makes one see what others do not.

moody post

Again .... I am so frustrated these days, I am so easily agitated. I don't like it. I am feeling so anger by small things. Maybe I will become the Hulk, if this goes on.

I wanted so badly to go club yesterday, but my dear didn't want to. Again. She wanted to go shopping. It is the first time I didn't want to shop. But I didn't want to tell her.

Why can't they want me? Why don't they look for me when they go KL? Bkk? I am not even being consider if they go clubbing. I want to go along with them. But of course, I am not their close friend. I am just a casual acquaintance, so casual that I am not even in their choice of casual friends when they want to have fun. I want to be wanted too.

I don't blame them. I am nobody. And that hurt, as I like them and want to share friendship with them, doing things together. Yet I know friendship can't be forced. Just because I want their friendship doesn't mean they have to share the same sentiment. I am just unlucky that my heart have choosen them to be my friend. So no matter how I am rejected by them, I still care for them. And that hurt, not able to show my care and concern.

People have always said that family is the most important. To me, friends compliment family. I have been without friends, real friends whom I can do things together. These short years, suddenly I found friends, yet still, they are not my friends, as they don't accept me. I can't do things together with them. I feel empty. In a few weeks time, it may not matter anymore.

I once blog in moblog that three things matter so much to me, Family, Friends and Dance. I may have only my family left.

This is another silly moody posting. I know. I am frustrated, I am scared....

My life as I know it will be undergoing a change. I am not looking forward to next month, but it is unavoidable. Change there will be, but as to what extend, I will not know.

I may not be able to dance again, and that is scary for me.

Balls and stick

Yesterday I played pool (not billiard as someone corrected me haha) for the first time. I have always wanted to try the game. I reminded me of carrom. I was also reminded of someone dear, remembering her posing in her nice red top.She probably is very good at the game.

Had seen a couple of the game being played on tv, intrigued by the "jump shot", well I don't know the correct term to use, the one where the ball will jump over another ball to hit another ball, maybe even a few balls. Phweee! plenty of balls to handle kekeke. The way the professional did it look so simple. I did managed to do a few jump shots myself, only thing is the ball went over the table and onto the floor hahaha.

I don't really know how to handle the stick either, as proper handling would have given me the edge to hit more accurately. I ended up losing every round. But I like the game.

If only I have some good friends to play it with. Maybe this is something I can go for, now that I may not be able to dance .... haiz ... maybe not lah.

countdown begins ...

The countdown begins ... I am scared.

During my checkup, the doctor asked if I could do 2-steps on the stairways. Well, I am always doing 2-steps when climbing stairs, it is my prefer mode of climbing stairs haha. But maybe not anymore from next month, I can only hope it will not be permanent.

I will not know what to expect, and that is scary. Expectation can be disappointing, but not knowing what to expect is scary ... too scary!

Counting down to the day ....

So begins another chapter as one chapter closes.

I am scared ..

I have been a bad boy. I know she has said not to, but I can't help it. How else is she to reply to me if she is unable to? Maybe I am helping myself by helping her, maybe I am being selfish in a way. I don't know. Whether it is for her or myself that I am helping, I did it because I want to. I can't deny that I do care.

Somehow, expecting the result doesn't help in coping what to expect when I finally came to it. So ... it is finally happening. I am scared. I wish I can avoid it, but I can't. And so it will come to pass .....

Yet, it is scary thinking about it ....

This is happening, as I began to accept the truth. I will not have my close friends, the way I want it. I ate alone for the 1st time on Friday, after a long period of trying to avoid doing so. For doing so means I am going back to the way I was before, and there is no turning back. I don't want to be hurt again. When I opened myself to wanting someone close, I never realise that wanting a close friend can be so frustrating and elusive. Yes, casual friends are abundant, these people don't care if you are sad. I still care for the few, but I will not hope anymore.

A chapter has been closed. My heart will be closed.

I want to club, and I have until end of the month to do so. After that, I will not be able to for about three months. If only they will ask me along, but I know it will not likely to happen. And I don't want to get disappointed if I ask them and get rejected. This is getting too frustrating, not able to club, while those who get invite doesn't wish to club. Haiz ... I guess having close friends has its privileges.

Then, the moment I wish will not happen will come. I am scared ...

August birthdays

August 10, a day after national day. More importantly, it is Fadhillah's birthday. I didn't get to go to watch the NDP, wasn't successful in the ballotting. I didn't get to celebrate her birthday either. Just like all of the others. I don't expect to anyway. Maybe it is silly of me remembering any of their birthdays .....

Somehow, NDP doesn't mean much to me as it was before. Maybe if I was there watching it, it would have been different. I was successful once, and I felt good being there. But not being there, somehow I couldn't feel the celebration. Not that I am not patriotic. Patriotism has nothing to do with it. Yesterday I watched the parade while on the bus, on TVMobile. Thanks goodness for TVMobile, no matter what some people feel about it, I welcome having a TV on the bus to occupy me. Too bad most of the time I couldn't hear what was being broadcast. It would have been better than having the noise from the other communters who doesn't seem to bother that the whole world may be listening to their conversations.

Anyway, I was able to catch some of the celebration going on at the platform. It had been raining. It remineded me of the one time I was involved in the parade, it was raining at that time too. As the bus passed Nicoll Highway, I saw the helicopter carrying the flag. It felt nice being able to see the event actually happening "live" instead of on the TV. It is a lot of different being on location as things happen, and to watch it somewhere else. I could see people, who weren't succesful to get to the parade, positioning themselves along the way, ready to catch the fireworks, which most probably is the hightlight for all of them. Maybe I shall do the same next year. Maybe haha.

Today is her birthday ... I can only write here to wish her ... I don't even know if she reads my blog anymore.

Anyway .... Happy Birthday Fadhillah!

Good noodle

Had dinner at Ajisen. It has been a long time since I was there. The ramen reminded me of Tokyo. The one at Tokyo tasted so good. Maybe because the weather was cooling there, the hot noodle tasted so delicious. Maybe just because I was in Tokyo, eating ramen.

I have tried not to have any expectation, not to plan so much ahead with ideas in my mind. Expectation can be a real spoiler, when it doesn't materialise.

We can seek happiness, maybe we feel happy with what is there at the moment. Maybe it is enough. Seeking for something that will not happen will only make one miserable.

I want to be happy. I want them to be happy. Even if it means not going for my happiness ....

August is ...

Happy Nurses Day! Thank you, nurse for not looking between my legs, and I am trying not to think it is because you are not interested, but you are being professional haha.

There is one person who is not a nurse but has nursed me while I was hurt ... emotionally. She may not think much about it, but to me, her being there with her sms replied did help, and I appreciated her being there when I needed someone. I have stopped wanting a better friendship with Nordiana. If she wants me as a colleague friend, I will be that ...

:-)

August is here, happy birthday to another dear friend! Well, I am not referring to my homeland that is, not that I am not patriotic.

Ten more days till I know what will happen. I am looking forward to the appointment, yet not looking forward to it too. I am confused. So what else is new about being confuse? Everyone faces it. It is not unique to me.

"So You Think You Can Dance" is on now on our local channel. I saw part of it on cable, but didn't get to see the final. Maybe I can finally get to see it this time. Hopefully. This show has the most creative choreography as well as talented dancers in the whole. Yet they are only contestants and most didn't get to win. But winners are not necessary those who win a contest. Yes, winners are those who try.

Life is short. Live. Be happy. Be good to your friends, for you will never know how long they will be there.