Doing for friendship

What I do, I do it because I want to. I value their friendship. Though I wish it to be better, I will not pursue it. I do not expect anything in return. It doesn't matter if nobody is willing. Not anymore. It doesn't matter if I gain nothing in return. At least I did something to show my friendship. That I care.

What is friendship but a space in time that don't last?

Time for silence.
Silence is golden.

Navigate .... to .... cafe

First, an annoucement!
I have a new handphone .. a Nokia 6110 Navigator

I have problem setting up my mms at first, finally took it to my ISP and they said something ahout it being locked and had to be reset. Why in the world do they want to do that, I just can't understand as mms is a basic function.


I realised that there are cafes and there are Cafes. Some are just passable with mediocre, to put it nicely, but there are those where you go in, you really enjoy the environment and services.

Yesterday I had gone down to NYDC and it is a world of difference compare to the cafe at Bugis Junction I went the night before. I can't remember the name, some terin or something, not worth remembering anyway. Hey, the one at Bugis even had a unwanted side dish, a baby coachroach. No, it is not a dish haha, just a unwanted visitor to my table, that I had to squash as it was getting too close to my fish and chip. Anyway, the meal at NYDC is definitely better too. The mudpie was nice, though I like the one at Changing Appetite. But can't really compare as it was a different flavour. I didn't have time otherwise would have gone to CA yesterday as it was Tuesday, and Tuesday is when the cheesecakes comes at 50% off. Yummy! NYDC cheesecakes looks nice too, will come another time for it hehehe.

Okay, feeling the urge to grab me an ice-cream from my freezer now haha .... always have an ice-cream in the fridge ..... and oh ya, chocolates too

Legendary Wrestler

Yesterday I heard the news of the death of Chris Benoit, a talented wrestler. He is one of the many great technical wrestler that I like. He is supposed to come for the Singapore tour with WWE.

This photo below is Bret Hart, another legendary wrestler that I admire. Too bad he had retired. Read he had a stroke in 2004. But think he is still somewhere in Calgary, his hometown.


I had not watched wrestling for a long time. Don't really miss it anymore unlike before.

Temp location

The temporary location for CHIJ Katong Primary is at Bedok




This place is so ordinary compare to the one they demolish. I wonder how the girls are feeling studying at this temp location.

As for the old location, the building is completely gone.

25th June

It has been a good monday so far. Early in the morning, I was fortunate to see Su, and sat beside her. She didn't talk much, probably as she was busy, and I didn't want to disturb her. But I don't know why, being with her does bring me comfort at work. That is why I wish she can be my close friend. But I know that is only a wish that will not come true.

I was glad I got to work with Sab, as after that during our break, she kept me company. Or is it the other way round? haha. And as for work, I only got one duty to do. And the rest of the time I was free haha.

And Nd did reply to my sms, even if just a word as I request. I don't expect much as I am afraid to anger her. So did Zana reply my sms. They make my day too.

And did manage to chat with Jas for a few minutes. I am glad she was online.

Thank you for being a good monday, this 25th Jun, 2007.

Haha ... I am being insane haha

Her friends, my friends

Sixteen years ago, I was hoping I could have friends and share my friends with her. I was hoping my friends could be her friends. I didn't succeed. It was only just us. I didn't have anyone to hang out with, and that means I couldn't share any friend with her. But it don't matter now as she has found friends. More so than me. At least she is popular and get to go clubbing with them. Me ... I still don't have anyone inviting me.

I envy her now, she has smses, but nobody want to sms me. But I am happy for her.

Friends make life more pleasant. Though there will be headaches on some days. But we need friends, no matter how often we may say we don't. The trouble with most people is that they don't treasure their friends as they can always get new one. People like me finds it hard to get friends. That is why I value those who have touched my life, even if for a short while. Often it is too short. Even though I may not get the kind of friendship that I seek from them, I will always treasure them in my heart.

I will still care for them.

Spaghetti with love, spaghetti with horror

The other day I cooked this spaghetti for my dear.

I like to cook for her when she goes to the gym so she will have something when she comes back. When I have the time to cook of course haha.

Lately I have been cooking pasta without tomato sauces. Just some herbs, fresh tomato and whatever I can find. Zucchini is good. Simple but tasty pasta dishes. Pasta don't need tomato sauces.

Just last Saturday, there was this guy at Changing Appetite ordering Spaghetti Bolognese and he put tomato ketchup. It is an overkill to the spaghetti. I am sure the spaghetti will scream in horror if it has mouth. This guy was also a nightmare to any waiter. Heard him order his foods with so many conditions, and when one order was given wrongly, he blamed it on the waiter when actually it was found out that he had ordered the wrong thing. And he was now blaming it on the menu. He even had the nerve to said the waiter couldn't speak proper English when his wife was the one who was not conversant in the language.

It is sad to know that he is but one of the many people who is living among us!

Her Birthday

Nordiana's birthday is tomorrow. Happy Birthday Nordiana! May all her wishes come true! Well, I didn't get my wish, that is to celebrate her birthday with her, cake and all. But that is not her problem, but mine. I do wish her that she will have a great time. I hope she can celebrate with her friends.

And so another person that I want to celebrate with but I can't. Two in the same month. That is real disappointing for me. But I suppose it is to be expected. Afterall, I am not anything to them. Just a mere acquaintance in a space of their lives.

I saw Suhaili today when I went back to work. Even though we don't speak, she did smile, and that did help to start my day. Maybe that had helped me to feel more tolerable of the rest of the day. Coz I didn't feel any frustration or anger, even when something didn't go right. Seeing her gave me a good mental attitude. Don't understand? haha. Nevermind. I hope she will be fine. I don't think the kind of work we do is suitable for a pregnant lady. There are too many possible accident waiting to happen. And she don't seem strong. I hope she will make it this time. I can only pray for her and the baby good health. Her birthday is coming in August. I know it will be another one that I will not be part of too.

Nevermind. All that matter is, I do care for them, even if they don't feel the same towards me. They have become a part of those people that I will always consider my friends. I am just unlucky that I can't be accepted to be their good friend.

Sometimes, I wish I am female too, maybe it will make the difference ... maybe then it is easier to be their good friend. Maybe it don't make any difference ....

Phuket time

We bought this fruit from Phuket. It has a unique taste, can't describe it, familiar and yet can't pinpoint what taste it resemble.



It has hairs like the rambutan but it is more pricky. I have to use paper to protect my fingers as I peeled it open. Unless you have a thickskin, people like me with tender skin has to be careful haha. My dear didn't want to peel it after trying to peel one as she got pricked, so I have to peel all the rest for her. But it has a nice taste. We like eating the fruit.

I didn't do much shopping for myself. But did buy this polo shirt, just 129 baht.

A little secret .. this shirt is from the ladies section. Well, the ladies cutting is better than the men. So I bought it haha. This is not the first time I bought ladies apparel hehe. As long as it fits, and I looks good ;-)

The trip is more about shopping and eating than sightseeing. And remembering the location where we once were.

After 16th years, I finally managed to bring her back to Phuket.

I am contented ....

My Phuket

Went to Phuket last friday, 8June07. It had been 16th years since we last stepped on the island. It was a nostalgic trip for the two of us. We had met in Phuket, where we had danced together. The trip brought back memories. We even went back to look at the hotel where we had worked and stayed, Le Meridien Phuket. It is still a grand looking hotel to me. And the memories it holds.

the street outside JungCeylon, a shopping mall.
this is what we had for our 1st meal there at JungCeylon, a shopping mall at Patong.
look at the colorful public phones. if only ours are as cute haha
hey their coffee cup has handle.
this is the famous Patong beach.
the pic is blur, but the sign tells u what to do in case of tsunami.
night scene
where we had a wonderful dinner of seafood. the entertainment was an added bonus.
couldnt get nice shot. maybe my hands were shaking from hunger and anticipation haha. waited 16years to eat this hahaha.

Phuket will always be a special place for me and my dear. I wonder when we will visit it again. If ever ....

Mandarin, not the orange ..

Okay ... will still be blogging for the time being. Yes, Fad is right, blogging is a way to let go our negativity (haha is there such word?) I guess I still want to let it out, even though it has to be by blogging about it. But I know this will only make me still feel depressed whenever I see others having someone to turn to when they want somebody to confide. I couldn't help feeling envy or jealous when I see a group of friends hanging out. I just have to take a deep breath, and pretend I too have somebody, but they couldn't make it.

Last night, the four of us checked-in at Meritus Mandarin. For a one night stay. I wanted to get another night but they don't have the deluxe and I don't want to pay for the more expensive premier room.

This hotel is nostalgic for me. I used to perform here at the poolside, and even worked for a short, a very short time here. I showed my dear around, telling her about where I danced, and where I worked. At that time, I was so envious of the buffet they had here. We didn't eat any buffet here. Instead had our dinner at Top Of The M, a super expensive restaurant. I am not rich, and this meal costed me a bomb (after the discount it came to $213.75). Never has paid so much for a meal for us haha. But it makes me feel rich haha though I know I am not. The view from there wasn't much as it wasn't high, but it was an experience for them. I had been there before, long time ago, worked one night there (don't ask me why only one night as I can't remember as it was so long ago).
This is a view from inside the revolving restaurant.
inside my room.
this is a view of Ngee Ann City which not many will have seen hehe.
had wanted to have breakfast at killiney but my dear don't want to walk that far, so has to settle for this version of kaya toast and half-boiled eggs at this coffeeshop next to the youth park.
okay, if anyone is wondering what the hotel offers, here are the toiletries that you can find. haven't had so many for some times in the hotel I had stay the last couple of years

It was a memorable experience for us, and not only because of the amount of money we spend haha. To us, Meritus Mandarin is a luxury, I don't think I will able to afford it without the discount. Even them it still is alot of money to spend for one night. But the kids enjoyed it, and so did my dear. I didn't tell them how I feel about spending so much, but there was no need. I am only too happy that I can give them this experience. Making them happy also makes me happy.

All I can offer in life is to make others happy, whether the three of them or those in my heart I will always consider my friends. I care for them, all of them. Right now I have to learn to live with the inbalance in my life. I have no other choice ...

Depressed

The last week was feeling so depressed. Everything didn't go as I wish it to be. Work was ... well I wish I had the people I wanted to see so they can cheer me up. But I didn't see them. Sab didn't look for me either, though I was grateful for a few of her smses.

I didn't want to blog the last few days, as then it would be a bad blog posting as I was feeling frustrated and did feel angry. I had to control myself from not putting the anger on those who had nothing to do with how I felt.

And there was also this talk from people around me. They were talking about a dead guy, but here I was, living and yet nobody want to talk to me. I don't want to sound heartless, but then again, maybe I should be a heartless person, for nice guy don't have friends. Maybe I should be the one to die. But hey, then, I will rather they not talk about me. I will rather be nothing to them if I died, just as I am nothing now.

It is time I realise not to expect those people I care to accept me. At the back of my mind, I guess I still was hoping there will be hope. People tell me that one can only depends on family. But to me, I only had my family, and that had make me resent it. Maybe that is why I tend to distance myself from them.

My dear said that my parent were surprised that I am so different from what they thought I was. It is true, they do not know me at all. I am not the kid they brought up anymore. They even didn't know what I like to eat. I didn't have a balance life of family and close friends. And still don't. Maybe one day when I have gotten my close friends, I may accept them again. Till then, I know I can't.

Don't expect me to.

Time and time again, I feel like stop blogging. For if I blog, it means I want to open my feeling and thought. But it also means I am still expecting to find someone that I want to open up to. The only way I can completely stop all these feeling of frustration and anger is maybe to close up completely. And that means stop blogging as well.

I don't know ... I am lost as what is best for me to do.

-----------------------------
I wish I could be there for her birthday. I felt like I miss a daughter's birthday. Haiz ... it is another one of those thing that I make me feel sad ...

Next week, another person birthday is coming .. and I know I can't celebrate with her also. She too means a lot to me .... yes, like a daughter too. I guess I wish they all can be my daughters. I want to take care of them.

Haha, silly danceal!

Best wishes

Happy Birthday Rozana :-)

News that matter to me ...

I have always been waiting for smses from them, so I was excited when two of my colleagues smses me. But the content wasn't what I wanted to hear. Why can't they messaged me about themselves or about those I want to hear about. When one can't get a chance to chill out with his friends, the only option is sms. I depend on sms to communicate with them. I have always looked forward to get sms from any of them.

There are a few colleagues I want to hear some news about them. I don't get to talk to any of them. They don't them me anything either. Why can't someone tell me what is happening about them? I want to know when they take leave, what they going to do on their leave. I want to know if one of them is pregnant and how she is coping with it. I want to know how they are dealing with work, to hear their complaints and also their joy when something good happened. I just want to know how my fellow colleagues friends are doing. All I want is them to keep me updated. Without me asking. I rather receive these type of smses. Is that too much to ask for?

Maybe it is ...

For friends should keep in touch.

Unless they don't consider me a friend... just a colleague that can be forgotten ...

My best friends ...

I don't know if Nordiana read this blog, I sure wish she will. She and Suhaili are two people that I wanted so much to share my thoughts. If only they will share theirs with me. Nordiana has a blog but she doesn't update. It is frustrating not able to know how your best friends are doing. Well, when you are willing to confide your life to somebody, that somebody is your best friend right? Then to me they are my best friends. Just that in reality they don't feel the same about me. I wish I can be part of their lives.

Suhaili is pregnant. I am very happy for her. I just hope I may get to see her child ... one day. But it seems unlikely. I have always want to be a godfather to one of my close friend's child. How I wish I can be her child's god-father. But it will only be a dream. How can it be when I can't even be her close friend. I wish she can share her family with me. I want to be a family friend too. haiz ... it is a frustrating feeling not able to be in touch with someone one cares so much. Sometimes I wish I can let her know about my blog. I want to share it with her, afterall, it was because of her that I started blogging again, because I can't share my thoughts with her. She didn't want to, maybe she felt uncomfortable that I was telling what normally a close friend would confide. And to her, I am not. For someone who don't talk much, I have so many things to say. But I suppose it is because I don't have anybody to share it with before. Till I met Suhaili .. and then Nordiana. Even adik Yulie. I can't explain why, but though there are others that I enjoy being with, these three will always be special ... and close to my heart. Though I call her adik, I even consider Yulie like a daughter. I am happy she has a boyfriend, and being loved. I can only hope that one day I will be invited to her wedding. I was never friendly much with her boyfriend before, but ever since they were together, I will take care of him whenever I can too.

Afterall a friend of my friends will be my friends too. I have always felt if I have a friend, I would gain more friends as their friends will be my friends too. If only I can be their close and best friends. But they are not interested in being my close friends. That makes me feel sad, as I can't join them in anything. Thus losing any chance of getting to know them better. And them, about me.

Life is short. I have lost more than a year without gaining their friendship. We could have been happy together. They could have make me happy, fill the emptiness of friendship that I have always long for. I didn't look for friendship with them, it just happened. Fate choose them for me, but Fate also keep them at a distance. I hate that, may as well don't let it happened in the first place.

I miss them. I still care for them. All I can do is wish them well, and that their other friends will make them happy. And that they will always be loved.

June 1

It is June already. Among other things, there is two special persons' birthday this month. Unfortunately I can't be there to celebrate with them.

Half a year, and what have I achieve? hmm ...