letting go, with a sad heart.

a couple of days older, not necessarily wiser. Was foolish to think I can be accepted, just because they were nice and friendly. I still think they would make good friends, but they may not find me convenient to be friend with, basically our language barrier. I may not find that a real problem, but obviously they do. Whatever their reasons, I only know that I have lost my chance to have close friends. Again. I feel sad, feeling not appreciated to be anyone close friend. But nothing I can do if they don't want to give me a chance. I don't want to stress them. I want them to be happy, so ... am letting go and moving on ..... with a sad heart.

stranger

I can only be a stranger, then, a stranger I will be. Time ticks away everyday. One day is gone, one day less to share. Why do I bother? Yet I do. Maybe because I care. I care too much for them .... Funny thing, for a person who treasures friendship so much, yet dont have a real friend.

sick, physically and emotionally

One thing about me, even if I am sick, I can still eat, sometimes more, as often hungry haha. At times like this, when I am sick, I wish I have somebody to chat, to distract me from the pain. But it will not happen, as I don't have anyone close who is willing to humour a sick man. This is suppose to be my best month, but even before June came, the last week of May saw me suffering pain from my wisdom tooth. Even after it was extracted, the suffering never stop. Up to today, my mouth still hurt now and then. Besides the surgery part, I developed an ulcer around the same side. At least the swollen left had gone. Physical pain, as well as emotional pain. Deciding to give up those I had wanted as my close friend gave me so much stress. I don't really want to give up. I needed them, but they don't need me. They have other friends, I don't have. I wanted so badly for them to accept me. Most probably in time maybe, just maybe. But there isn't tome. Anytime we may not work together anymore. I fear that out of sight, it is easier for them to forget me, as I haven't been include in their circle of friends yet. And then, there is the day when they will be leaving. Leaving forever out of my life probably as we will less likely to cross each other path again. I should have not started seeking their friendship, just like the others, because I know we can only be friends for a short time. I want longlasting friendship. I couldn't get any from the locals, even less with the foreigners. Being sick physically isn't as bad as the pain you get from being emotional.

a new chapter?

Logged date 6 May 2012, I am blogging again. Okay, maybe I am feeling better than a couple of days back, when I really felt lousy inside. Maybe nothing really change, I do feel better now, when I accept my fate. I have always feel that what matter most is that I care for them. Yes I do wish that I can be accepted, I want to be part of their circle. I wish they will call me, even if they don't. see me, like they do with their friends. I want to be their close friend. But I am not. I am just another friend. I can accept that. I am a guy, a married man. Society do not accept that a married man can be close friends with female friends. That is sad. Especially for me.

if things are not fine .....

At time like this, if I had been someone close, maybe they will have let me know if they are not well, if things are not fine. I want to be able to do something for them, to be of help to them. Instead of knowing it when everything is over. And not have done anything. That is what not being a close friend is, you can't get to do things for them. You are not needed.