Farewell ....

Z, I can understand how it is to lose someone you loved alot. May you find someone better than him. Do take care, I will miss you.

I am losing so many people that means alot to me recently, and it may not be over yet. Will adik be next? I want them to keep in touch, but who am I to ask this from them. I know that I am not important to them, but they are to me. Everybody has his/her own problem, me included. But I am willing to listen to theirs. That is the difference between how I see them and how they see me. Maybe we don't get to meet up, but sms will do for me. Maybe it is the only venue for us to keep in touch. But even that I am denied.

Friends help each other, staying by their sides through good times and especially the bad. That is why they are called friends.

I added another name to my list, which I should have done long ago. Quiche was the reason I started blogging. If there is anyone I like to share my life with, she will be the one. At least I was wishing she could be. But she didn't want any part of me.

Each and everyone in my list (heart2heart2stomach) is important to me. Without whom I would have gone insane long ago. I have especially chosen the few of you to share my thoughts. Those I knew from my workplace, though I had given this url to Didy I don't know if she ever read this blog, while the others don't know of this site existence. But if they had accepted me as their close friends, what I had posted here, I would have shared with them readily.

To those of you I only knew online, you are just as important. That is why you are in the list. That is why I was sharing with you. Throughout my blogging days, you have helped me at one time or another. I wish we can be more than just online friends, but I don't expect so. Thank you, we may just be online friends, but to me, everyone of you is important, and I do care.

Especially Z, you are the first person that I grown attached to, even though we never met. That is why it hurts when you didn't want to let me part of your life when you are troubled.

It makes me realised that I can never be important to anyone. As long as I am not part of their close friends.

I don't feel like blogging anymore. Even as I write this, I feel the tears coming. I have grown too attach to things that I shouldn't. I know if I continue blogging, I will get too personal and emotional, keep writing about the same things, things that is hurting me, deviating from things I want and should blog.

Thank you, tragedic, hitchic, jAs, blackcat13 and especially Zana, I appreciate your friendship. I don't want to lose anyone of you, but I know sooner or later you will stop blogging, and disappear. Perhaps it is better I stop dreaming first.

Maybe su, adik and didy will never read what I had written here, but all of you are dear to me, as if you are really my close friends. Frankly, to me, all of you are the closest thing I have to having a close friend.

It hurts that I have to give up this blog, as it is a point of contact from me to you, but I can't go on dreaming. For wanting and needing a close friend is a dream that I know I will never have.

The song from this video was the 1st malay song that started my interest in malay song. And changed my life. The first time I heard it was from Zana blog. I still love this song. More important is that it is linked to Zana and Nd, whom both I may have lost forever if they choose not to keep in touch with me. But they will always be close to my heart ... and never fade ...


Take care my dear friends ..... all of you will always remain in my heart as my close yet distance friends :-)

Sushi and me

Finally get to eat my sushi ... in Singapore haha. Went down to Parkway at Genki or was it Sakae Sushi haha, I get mix up with the two always. Anyway, I am finally satisfied :-D

I wanted to eat sushi while in Tokyo, I saw a sushi bar, or whatever they called it there. But my dear didn't want to eat, so I had to skip it. I remembered the last trip, the airport hotel breakfast had sushi as well as sashimi. Ate raw cuttlefish for the 1st time, and I liked it. This trip didn't had any at the hotel or anyway. I was disappointed. And everyday I kept saying I wanted my sushi when I came back to Sg, till Saturday when I got my satisfaction.

Work has been crazy with the new schedule. So far been getting nil break, really nil. So I am lucky I have my snacks on hand to silent my tummy, and to renew my energy. Not that I take my break usually. I hardly go to the canteen, when I don't have anybody to go with. And I don't have anybody always. For the last two years I don't think the number of times I went to eat can't possibly fill a month. But not that I wasnt eating. I have to eat, I get hungry often haha. I just nibbled on snacks. That is how I filled my tummy when I am at work. I filled myself up either before work, or after work.

That is why I always look forward to off days as I ate a lot. I don't go back for recall. If I stay at home, I would be looking for food every hour, it is kinda scary so I rather go out to the mall where I get to exercise my legs. And do my favourite past-time, that is shopping. And of course, eating. At least if I eat alot, I don't have to worry of my tummy growing ;-)

I am really missing my dancing. I haven't been to the malay group session for a few months. They didn't contact me, I didn't bother. I don't know, maybe I am out of place. I am a little disappointed with the group also, too much time wasted as they are not organised.

I need a real dance group. But then, I am getting on in years, my body isn't what it was, maybe it is time I retire.

I want to go clubbing, but my dear don't. I got no outlet to show off, I am feeling frustrated again. But I have to keep it within me.

But without the two important things in my life, dancing and friends, I don't know how much I can withhold my frustration ...

Losing people that matter ...

I should have gone to see Siti Nurhaliza concert. I should have gone to see Maroon 5 concert. But I didn't.

I should have asked to spend time with Nd for the last time. But I didn't.

I should have changed my job a long time ago. But I didn't.

I should have .... there are a lot of things I should have done. But I didn't.

Time is move only in one direction. And it does.
I can't bring back the past.

:-(

I am losing people that matter, the nearest thing I have to having friends, who I need to be around me, but they are not. And I can't do anything about it. One by one, they are leaving my life. My comfort. My existence. And I know the others will disappear too, sooner or later.

That is the difference between being a friend to them, or just a casual acquaintance. I don't matter to them. But they are to me. It is so unfair, that I believe I can be a better friend to them, than some of theirs, and yet I can't be. Perhaps I am wrong, as I have never been able to proof that I can be a real friend in a long term. I never have someone close who is still in contact with me after so many years. Those I have liked, and meant a lot to me, have all disappeared.

I don't see any difference now. To them, I am just a casual aquaintance, just a colleague or someone they chat if they are free. They have others who they called friends, smsing and meeting up.

Maybe it is time I really really see reality. I CAN'T be someone close friend. Yes, I am being negative. I can't help it. I may not be but when people make me feel this way all the time, I can't help but feel inferior.

I may not go around asking everyone to be my friend, but time and time again, there are some who I like, and something inside me wish they can be my friend. It is only a wishful thinking.

Friends mean alot to me. I don't want to lose them. But I am losing each and everyone of them. Always.

I hate this feeling I have now ....

April Fool but maybe not ...

Adik sent me a April Fool message, that today was her last day. It was only a joke, and it shocked me, and I cried. But it can still be happening, as her contract is ending this month.

I don't want her to leave, she is like a daughter to me. But it is not up to me. I know that if she leaves the company, I will never see her again. Just like Nd. Just like in the past, with all those who wasn't my colleage anymore.

And the feeling of losing those who mean a lot to me .... it hurt.