Once more with friends ,,, or the lack of it

I am feeling miserable again ... thought I could get over it, but I can't. It is not something I can just switch off. I though if I don't think about it, it is okay, but I was wrong. For nothing has changed.

It has been a while since I blog, I don't know if I will again, or this is one of the occasion that I really can't handle it but to blog this posting. Haiz ....

I turn to blogs to let it be a point of contact between me and them, to share my thoughts with some people dear to me, people that I considered my special friends. And most of all, I wanted to know more about them, I am always looking for updates on them. But they don't update me, neither can I gather much info from any of their blogs, if they have any. It didn't work. They didn't take time to check on me, nor update me on their lives. I know they may be busy, but I am never too busy for those I called my friends. Perhaps that is the difference. That I am not dear enough to them, as they are to me.

Without the chance to interact with them in person, blogs are my lifeline to their world. They could have help me to have a more meaningful life. I would have feel wanted. For I want to be wanted by them.

I treasure friends, time and time again I have mentioned it in all my blogs. But everytime, friendship has eluded me. I don't have any close friends, even though I have found people which I felt comfortable with. I don't blame any of them, I rather blame myself for wanting female to be my close friends. I may be open-minded, even letting my wife to have male companion for a close friend, but it is hard to find any female willing to be my close friend.

Haiz ... it isn't fair, but it is the fact of life. I feel miserable, wanting to have friends that I can meet up with, sharing and doing things together. I can see others having it, but not me.

This is the third time I couldn't go KL with anyone of them. Because I wasn't part of their circle of friends, I was too late. I really want to go KL with a group of friends.

I am going insane with this inability of getting friends that I want to be with. Friends mean a lot to me. Friends are the extension of ones family. Friends and Family go together to make a person complete.

I am incomplete. I can only be insane ....

Blog no more

I should have keep my mouth shut. Every time I make someone angry because I want to say more than I just a yes or no. Words can be so easily misunderstood, especially when there is no face to face opportunity to sort it out and explain. I should have learnt from my past mistakes. I should have been what I was before, kept quiet and not try to explain how I feel. Not that I gained any friend back then, but at least I will not make anyone angry. I don't want to make her angry. Or any of them.

I have so much I want to say to them. I started this blog so people I care can read how I feel and what I do. It is the only venue to do so as I don't get to be with them. To have the chance of spending the time with people I want to be with, those I consider my special friends, not just people I consider as casual or colleagues. There are many of those, but true friends are rare, and rarer for me. In fact I can't say I have any, if one consider friends as those you can contact when you want someone to confide or comfort you.

I blog so they can read. This blog is especially for those I listed in my heart2hearts list. Though I may not have told them, haha. Not that it will make the difference from the way I see it. But if anybody that I want to know about me, these are the people. Yet, recently, I doubt anyone, except for Blackcat13, read my postings. I guess I can't expect them to spare that little time to read here, who am I anyway but a headless nobody. I am disappointed, but I know they have other priorities. I may be interested in what they do, and I still will, but they are not me, and I can't expect them to bother about me as I would for them. This is the fact of human relationship. Not everyone sees things the way you do.

Though I want to tell people about me, it is as important for me to know what they are doing, through their blogs, if they have any. But it is not happening. I don't want to blog anymore since I am not doing what I want in the first place. I was hoping this blog will be the contact point for all of us. I had removed my tagboard as I got no tag and feedback. I think I will go back to being anonymous to everyone. Unless they want to find out about me.

I am already headless. I will be wordless as well. Yes, written words have been my favourite choice of communication. I have wanted to write down how I feel. I wanted to blog. I wanted true friends, because I have found people I care that meet my wish. But nothing have changed much since day one. Yes I have found many casual friends, online and in the real world. But true friends have still eluded me, friends who will spare more than a little time for me, just as I will for them. Maybe one day I can call someone that. Maybe not.

The other day, just after my operation, I told myself that if I had died, nobody will know about it, because they don't bother to sms me. Today my blog will die.

Thank you if you are reading this ... take care ....

Operation CGH - Aftermath

Aftermath
The numbness lasted till early in the morning. Finally I could feel my legs again, but the pain prevented me from moving comfortably. I was in real pain by now. It didn't help that I was feeling uncomfortable in bed.

I don't know how much sleep I had, it was on and off all the times. Since I was admitted, I may in bed longer than I was ever before, but I can't said I got a nice sleep throughout. It was something I will add to my memory.

The next time I noticed the time was about 8.35am. I was there for more than 24hours, and I had only a milo when I got up in the middle of the night, or maybe morning, but finally after 9am, I got my first food, chwee kueh. Of course, I finished every single bits. It may not be the best chwee kueh, it was cold, but to me, it was the best thing to touch my mouth. Before my operation, I had a dream in one of my so-called sleep, I dreamt of food coming to my mouth, but my mouth couldn't open. I couldn't eat. It was horrible! A nightmare!

I got so much time lying in bed, I often thought of the people I wanted so much to be there, but wasn't. I know that I can't expect others to make me happy. It is often said that one must be one's own happiness. I had different thinking, maybe it is time I review my wants and needs. Maybe I will still be the same after all these have settled in my brain haha.

I don't want to finish this posting without mentioning the CGH staff, the staff was very friendly, and I wouldn't have wanted anybody else to look after me. And look after me, most did very well. I was well look after in spite of the various hickcups.

This was the first time I had to go for an operation. But I know it may not be my last. Being human, my body will malfunction time and time again. Just a matter of time .....

Operation CGH - Cut and Open

Cut And Open
On the way, as I was being wheeled, I watched the ceiling went by, just as one would in movies. After corridors after corridors, I finally reached what seemed like my destination. I was told the patient before me had complication, so would take longer than anticipated. So, like it or not, I had to wait. And waited I did, and wait. It was cold, I had barely nothing on underneat the blanket. The nurse was kind enough to realise that I might be cold, so gave me extra blanket. Thank you, dear nurse.

It took longer that anyone anticipated, so I had to wait in what seemed like a holding room. Finally, it was time, and I was given the anestisia. I had chosen regional anestisia, which seemed like a funny choice as I was afraid of needle. Lucky I didn't get to see the needle, which probably would be huge. I felt the needle being jabbed into my spine. Then, it was a matter of waiting till the anestisia took effect. I could feel numbness soon, as slowly my lower part went to sleep. Then, it was completely numbed. I took a secret touch to my private organ, and I couldn't feel it.Sheesh, like it wasn't there, though I could feel it in my hand.

I was wheeled into the operating room. It looked like those I watched on TV, though it seemed more spartan. Think on TV, they stuffed all kind of machines to make it looked more sophisticated haha. Anyway, I was given something that knocked me out, that when I woke up they had already started operating on me. I could see with my blurry eyes something was happening, via the overhead cirular light thing like one always saw in TV or moives. Strange feeling, being right in the middle of an operation, and me being the one operated on. I couldn't hear what was being said either as they spoke in a low tone, unlike movies.

In just a little while, I was told it was all over. I wondered how long I was out. Well, at least I got to see partial operation being carried out. I was wheeled to a holding area where they monitered me, being taking me to my ward. My body was still numbed. It was a terrible feeling not able to move your legs, or felt anything. Remind me never to get paralyse. I don't ever want to be helpless. But I don't control Fate ...

Finally, it was all over. They had cut me open, did what they must 2 repair me. Now it is all up to my Destiny if the operation was successful.

Operation CGH - Admission

Admission
Was at CGH at 5mins to 8am, Early bird I was, but later came to realised that I was really, really early. Maybe they should have told me that I don't have to come at 8am. Think the nurse only told me it opened at 8am, but I may have mistaken it that I have to report at 8am. Sheeeesh!!

But in a way it was good I came early, came to realised that when they rescheduled me from Friday to Tuesday, they didn't changed my bed booking. I wasn't reserved any bed. Only through the good work of the receptionist, after several phone calls, and rescheduling of someone bed, was I alloted a bed. So, I was finally admitted.

Ward 1518, a nice 4bed room. I was told I couldn't keep my stuff as it was a temporary bed, so my wife had to take them away. I would have nothing with me. Oh I would be wearing their "uniform" of course, not stark naked, if anyone was thinking that I would be! Naughty mind! haha.

So when my wife left, I was practically alone and without any possesion I was so alone! My bed was next to the window, so most of the time I stared at the sky outside, nothing else to look. I watched as the sky turned from blue to cloudy, as the clouds changed from white to grey, to white again, then often greyish. In-between cloud watching, my mind turned to thoughts of people I knew. My family, and the various people I came to know recently. I guess it was a time of restrospecting. Of those I called friends.

I didn't have my watch with me, and I couldn't see any clock, well if there was any I couldn't see as I didn't have my specs as even that I couldn't keep. Visiting hours was 12 to 2pm so when some people came in to visit one of the patient, it was probably around noon. I was wondering, if I had told any of my friends, would they come if they could? I dared not ask anyone for I didn't want to be disappointed when nobody came. For I would be very looking forward to have a friend visiting me. I felt very lonely at that moment.

One by one, each patient was wheeled away, but I was still there. Think I was there seven hours at least. I was the last to leave the room. Think I heard it was 3.50pm somewhere during my journey to the operation room. And that is another story ...

Bond by friendship ...

I used to think if I keep sending smses to them, they will get use to me, maybe accept me into their circle .... and be a close friend eventually. After all these years, nothing has changed. Sometimes even worse, as they decided to ignore me.

I know one don't have to constantly keep in touch with those you treasure, but that is provided you are already part of their lives. That you are one of their close friends. But I am not. I can do it slowly, but do I have the time?

I watched the rerun of Angel and Buffy on cable again. It is still a wonderful series to me, for though its theme may be about vampire, it is also about friendship. Both the series had the lead characters, Angel and Buffy, with thier group of friends, who supported them morally and physically. I wish I have friends like them. What is life without friends? Yes, family is important, but if you gain true friends, they are more valuable if they stick with you through thicks and thins. For they don't have to as they are not bond by blood, but through their friendship with you.

Friendship is the hardest to keep, but so easily to lose. But the bond by friendship is a treasure one should never let go if one can help it.

The countdown for me continues .... so near yet so far.

My fate to loose

I keep quiet and I loose would-be friends. I tell them how I think I loose them too, if they don't accept what I tell them. Both ways, I loose.

Yes, I know what is privacy, it is as important to me as it is to her. All I want is to be kept in touch. As a friend should. Unless I am not that friend as I want myself to be.

It hurts me that I have made her angry, and the thought of losing her. Why must all those I care don't want anything to do with me? Why can't I have a close friend? I can only dream of one. But I don't want to dream anymore, as each time, the hurt gets worse, as more dreams get dash.

It is my fate ... haiz .... crying will not help, yet it is the only thing that I can do that will not affect the other person.

of butterflies that flew ...

It has been postponed, so now I got to wait a few more days. Haiz ... I wanna get it over with as soon as possible, but have no choice, still have to wait.

The longer I wait, the more I will feel it coming, and the more scared I will be. I feel scared, till I got the call, now I don't feel anything. But I know as the days approaches, I will feel the anxiety of the event. And I will feel the butterflies in my tummy ...

I wonder why people coined the phrase "butterflies in the tummy"? Maybe the person had a bad experience when some butterflies flew into his tummy, so he recalled the incident and used that phrase. Somebody liked it and it got passed around.

Yes, maybe that was it. Haha.

To Fast .. too furious

Okay, I know that fasting only for a short time is as good as not fasting at all. So, I got no merit for fasting this way. Sigh ...

I do want to fast, but I do feel frustrated that I do not have company when it is time to break the fast, unlike my colleagues who had others sitting together as they broke fast together. I know it is between God and me, but I can't help wanting friends with me when I break fast. Sigh ... again I lose merit with this thinking.

So ... maybe I have the wrong thinking, I don't deserve any merit even if I do a full fasting. I do want to share and experience what the muslim do, even though I may not be a muslim and do not embrace Islam. It all started when I wanted someone to be my close friend, and she is a muslim. I thought I would make a better friend if I can understand the malay. I read about the Prophet and I was awe by Him. I began to want to learn more about him, and about muslim. I bought more books. But the trouble with me was I couldn't sustain reading in long shot, so I read bits by bits, which resulted in me forgetting what I had read before. Haiz ... it was rather frustrating trying to recall what I had read before.

Anyway, I never get her to accept me. But I found someone I admire, the Prophet Muhammed, which got me thinking about fasting when Ramadan came. That was two years ago. I started fasting in a shorter timing, once a while I did longer. The second year was better, with me getting almost a full fast most of the time. But then, I know that I didn't do a real fast, so I shouldn't expect any merit from Him. It was more of a personal endeavour.

All the while, I was still hoping that she and I could one day be friend, so I could tell her what I did, because she had motivated me, because I wanted to be a real friend to her. And I am still waiting ....

I want to fast, this year as well, but I am not motivated. I don't do it for religion, only my personal effort. So having friends to share when I break my fast, it would have given me more encouragement. I know it is wrong. But I am not religious. I did the fast because it is Ramadan. I feel good when I accomplished the length. But this year, I am feeling the frustration of not having gain anything this past 4 years. I feel that fasting is as empty for me as trying to win any of their friendship. Just as I have given up my effort to win their friendship, I find myself giving up to learn more about Islam.

I know I still have the desire to fast, more than ever for myself, maybe that is why I fasted several hours on the first and second day. But I don't look for the merit of doing it, I only do it because I want to.

I don't know if I will do it tomorrow, or the next. I can only say that, I still respect Him. And hope I will be forgiven.

Time to fast ....

Happy Fasting, my Muslim friends!

I don't know, I want to, yet I don't want to. I don't feel like fasting this year. I still have admiration and respect for the Prophet. It is just that I don't have the reason for doing it now.

Haiz ..... I am confused, I don't know what I want anymore .....

What to talk ....

Nordiana once said that she got nothing to talk to me about. I don't blame her, of course she would not have, as we don't spend time together, and she would not know what subject that I would want to chat. It is the same with anybody.

Only if people meet often and used to each other would subject matter flow easily. Only if people are together will they be able to know what to talk, as topics will popup without having to think what to talk.

Spontaneity is the key to friendship.

of ball and balls

Listening to Erti Hidup .... I still feel so emotional when listening to it.

I am glad the Olympics is over. I hate it when mediacorps replaced all the programmes when there is some games going on, be it football or this time the Olympics. Hey, not everyone is into the games. It is one reason that I hate football, eversince I was younger. I couldn't watch my favourite shows, because it wasn't there, replaced by a silly game of 22 people chasing after a single ball, when all the 22 has two of their own in the first place.

Will I get to club before the month is up? haiz .....

Attachment

I have to learn not to get myself attached to "friends". Afterall, it doesn't help me, as they don't feel the same way about me.

I used to think that if I keep in touch always, they would feel the bond with me. But it has been so many years, it hasn't make any difference. I am still not part of their circle. Sigh. I like to sms them, it is a way for me to chat with them. But it doesn't work. I don't get the response that I want. For all I know, I may be a nuisance with all the smses that I had sent. Suhaili did feel that way. And I lost every chance of being her friend.

If I don't contact them, I fear they will forget me. But even if I do, chances I will too. It is so hard to be their close friend. I shouldn't try anymore.

I am tired ... physically and emotionally. Physically as I find myself less fit. Used to have dancing, the passion help me to stay fit. Emotionally as I find my dream of having a real friend less tangible. Having someone but not having their friendship, it is a strain, so draining to want to gain their friendship. I don't want to try anymore. I will be lost, and empty, but maybe I will still manage my emptiness. I used to be able to, though I have changed now ...

Yes, I have wrote about this a number of occasions, I wasn't succesful of detaching myself from my dream of a real friend. I guess I have to try harder of forgetting this dream.

I wish myself luck.

of love and relationship ....

A colleague has a bad relationship with her fiance. If he isn't interested, why does he went through the engagement? Don't he cares for her feeling? I hate this type of guy, so insensitive to others feeling. He shouldn't have used hurtful words at her. From what she said of him, he is only concerned about himself and his pride.

I hope she will be fine. She is so soft-hearted, and this will hurt her feeling.

Sometimes, I pity those girls who still to their boyfriends when they obviously seem only interested in themselves. If only guys can be more sensitive to their girlfriends. Of course the girls must be reasonable too. Relationship is a give and take situation, though often it may be one is taking more than the others. Life is never fair. One can only hope that the partner we choose will be the right one. He or she may not be perfect, so don't go out to look for perfection, but most of all, the two should care and love each other, and be sensitive to each other needs.

Love may be blind at times, but love can also makes one see what others do not.

moody post

Again .... I am so frustrated these days, I am so easily agitated. I don't like it. I am feeling so anger by small things. Maybe I will become the Hulk, if this goes on.

I wanted so badly to go club yesterday, but my dear didn't want to. Again. She wanted to go shopping. It is the first time I didn't want to shop. But I didn't want to tell her.

Why can't they want me? Why don't they look for me when they go KL? Bkk? I am not even being consider if they go clubbing. I want to go along with them. But of course, I am not their close friend. I am just a casual acquaintance, so casual that I am not even in their choice of casual friends when they want to have fun. I want to be wanted too.

I don't blame them. I am nobody. And that hurt, as I like them and want to share friendship with them, doing things together. Yet I know friendship can't be forced. Just because I want their friendship doesn't mean they have to share the same sentiment. I am just unlucky that my heart have choosen them to be my friend. So no matter how I am rejected by them, I still care for them. And that hurt, not able to show my care and concern.

People have always said that family is the most important. To me, friends compliment family. I have been without friends, real friends whom I can do things together. These short years, suddenly I found friends, yet still, they are not my friends, as they don't accept me. I can't do things together with them. I feel empty. In a few weeks time, it may not matter anymore.

I once blog in moblog that three things matter so much to me, Family, Friends and Dance. I may have only my family left.

This is another silly moody posting. I know. I am frustrated, I am scared....

My life as I know it will be undergoing a change. I am not looking forward to next month, but it is unavoidable. Change there will be, but as to what extend, I will not know.

I may not be able to dance again, and that is scary for me.

Balls and stick

Yesterday I played pool (not billiard as someone corrected me haha) for the first time. I have always wanted to try the game. I reminded me of carrom. I was also reminded of someone dear, remembering her posing in her nice red top.She probably is very good at the game.

Had seen a couple of the game being played on tv, intrigued by the "jump shot", well I don't know the correct term to use, the one where the ball will jump over another ball to hit another ball, maybe even a few balls. Phweee! plenty of balls to handle kekeke. The way the professional did it look so simple. I did managed to do a few jump shots myself, only thing is the ball went over the table and onto the floor hahaha.

I don't really know how to handle the stick either, as proper handling would have given me the edge to hit more accurately. I ended up losing every round. But I like the game.

If only I have some good friends to play it with. Maybe this is something I can go for, now that I may not be able to dance .... haiz ... maybe not lah.

countdown begins ...

The countdown begins ... I am scared.

During my checkup, the doctor asked if I could do 2-steps on the stairways. Well, I am always doing 2-steps when climbing stairs, it is my prefer mode of climbing stairs haha. But maybe not anymore from next month, I can only hope it will not be permanent.

I will not know what to expect, and that is scary. Expectation can be disappointing, but not knowing what to expect is scary ... too scary!

Counting down to the day ....

So begins another chapter as one chapter closes.

I am scared ..

I have been a bad boy. I know she has said not to, but I can't help it. How else is she to reply to me if she is unable to? Maybe I am helping myself by helping her, maybe I am being selfish in a way. I don't know. Whether it is for her or myself that I am helping, I did it because I want to. I can't deny that I do care.

Somehow, expecting the result doesn't help in coping what to expect when I finally came to it. So ... it is finally happening. I am scared. I wish I can avoid it, but I can't. And so it will come to pass .....

Yet, it is scary thinking about it ....

This is happening, as I began to accept the truth. I will not have my close friends, the way I want it. I ate alone for the 1st time on Friday, after a long period of trying to avoid doing so. For doing so means I am going back to the way I was before, and there is no turning back. I don't want to be hurt again. When I opened myself to wanting someone close, I never realise that wanting a close friend can be so frustrating and elusive. Yes, casual friends are abundant, these people don't care if you are sad. I still care for the few, but I will not hope anymore.

A chapter has been closed. My heart will be closed.

I want to club, and I have until end of the month to do so. After that, I will not be able to for about three months. If only they will ask me along, but I know it will not likely to happen. And I don't want to get disappointed if I ask them and get rejected. This is getting too frustrating, not able to club, while those who get invite doesn't wish to club. Haiz ... I guess having close friends has its privileges.

Then, the moment I wish will not happen will come. I am scared ...

August birthdays

August 10, a day after national day. More importantly, it is Fadhillah's birthday. I didn't get to go to watch the NDP, wasn't successful in the ballotting. I didn't get to celebrate her birthday either. Just like all of the others. I don't expect to anyway. Maybe it is silly of me remembering any of their birthdays .....

Somehow, NDP doesn't mean much to me as it was before. Maybe if I was there watching it, it would have been different. I was successful once, and I felt good being there. But not being there, somehow I couldn't feel the celebration. Not that I am not patriotic. Patriotism has nothing to do with it. Yesterday I watched the parade while on the bus, on TVMobile. Thanks goodness for TVMobile, no matter what some people feel about it, I welcome having a TV on the bus to occupy me. Too bad most of the time I couldn't hear what was being broadcast. It would have been better than having the noise from the other communters who doesn't seem to bother that the whole world may be listening to their conversations.

Anyway, I was able to catch some of the celebration going on at the platform. It had been raining. It remineded me of the one time I was involved in the parade, it was raining at that time too. As the bus passed Nicoll Highway, I saw the helicopter carrying the flag. It felt nice being able to see the event actually happening "live" instead of on the TV. It is a lot of different being on location as things happen, and to watch it somewhere else. I could see people, who weren't succesful to get to the parade, positioning themselves along the way, ready to catch the fireworks, which most probably is the hightlight for all of them. Maybe I shall do the same next year. Maybe haha.

Today is her birthday ... I can only write here to wish her ... I don't even know if she reads my blog anymore.

Anyway .... Happy Birthday Fadhillah!

Good noodle

Had dinner at Ajisen. It has been a long time since I was there. The ramen reminded me of Tokyo. The one at Tokyo tasted so good. Maybe because the weather was cooling there, the hot noodle tasted so delicious. Maybe just because I was in Tokyo, eating ramen.

I have tried not to have any expectation, not to plan so much ahead with ideas in my mind. Expectation can be a real spoiler, when it doesn't materialise.

We can seek happiness, maybe we feel happy with what is there at the moment. Maybe it is enough. Seeking for something that will not happen will only make one miserable.

I want to be happy. I want them to be happy. Even if it means not going for my happiness ....

August is ...

Happy Nurses Day! Thank you, nurse for not looking between my legs, and I am trying not to think it is because you are not interested, but you are being professional haha.

There is one person who is not a nurse but has nursed me while I was hurt ... emotionally. She may not think much about it, but to me, her being there with her sms replied did help, and I appreciated her being there when I needed someone. I have stopped wanting a better friendship with Nordiana. If she wants me as a colleague friend, I will be that ...

:-)

August is here, happy birthday to another dear friend! Well, I am not referring to my homeland that is, not that I am not patriotic.

Ten more days till I know what will happen. I am looking forward to the appointment, yet not looking forward to it too. I am confused. So what else is new about being confuse? Everyone faces it. It is not unique to me.

"So You Think You Can Dance" is on now on our local channel. I saw part of it on cable, but didn't get to see the final. Maybe I can finally get to see it this time. Hopefully. This show has the most creative choreography as well as talented dancers in the whole. Yet they are only contestants and most didn't get to win. But winners are not necessary those who win a contest. Yes, winners are those who try.

Life is short. Live. Be happy. Be good to your friends, for you will never know how long they will be there.

Suhaili, my friend ...

Suhaili's birthday is tomorrow. Just like the others I care as well, I can't share the celebration. She isn't even talking to me. Yet she was the one who makes me want to have friends again.

Back then, she had given me hope, she even said to come to her if I needed to share my problem. But I was wrong to think it was possible. To have her as my best friend. I have lost whatever chance I may have. Yet, she will still be important person to me. I still care for her, as a friend. Friendship comes from the heart, which doesn't stop just because one say it stops.

She could have make the difference to my life. I could have a best friend. And in a way it did, when I met her. Yet not much. I have found others to care, like Nordiana and Adik. There are others, online and offline, a few who have meant alot to me throught interacting with them. But they are also at a distance, as I am nothing to them. I suppose it has to be enough. It is empty, but enough. I can't ask for more, as I will only be disappointed.

It is hard .... being at work. I am often reminded of how nobody needs me around. It happened again yesterday. Those that I want to want me. I want to be around them. Others whom I often heard them complaining, but still they will happily chat with them. But they are not interested in chatting with me.

I have no option ... I need close friends, but friendship is two way. I am just one. And ONE is a number I will be. The way it was, the way it is now, and the way it will be.

Suhaili will always be my friend. Happy Birthday my friend!

Dentist and Dark Knight

Finally, I ate ice cream again!


The dentist had told me not to eat anything too hot or too cold for two weeks, well, I have been a good boy haha. The dental experience wasn't too good, I hate the smell when the dentist cleaned or did whatever thning inside my mouth. That day, when the dentist clamped something, it grabbed part of my lip. It was quite painful, but I kept quiet, not easy trying to speak when your mouth was fully opened and things poking into your mouth!

So I went to Just Noodle at Suntec to have my fill of ice cream. This restaurant doesnt only sell noodle in spite of its name, but I wasn't there for the noodle anyway, but its free flow of ice cream haha.

I watched The Dark Knight, and I love the movie. The Batman is as human as you or me, yet every bit a hero. Worthy of mention is Heath Legder, who is as good as they said he was. I will miss him. I remember him in The Partriot with Mel Gibson. But Christian Bale stands out as the Batman as well, with or without the mask.


And so, that was my encounter with people of the mask!

A new week starts ...

G900 and me ... and Adik birthday

My new handphone, SE G900! It is not the perfect one, some function is not as easy as my Nokia E51, but I like the look. I chose the red model haha.

Yesterday was Adik birthday, Happy Birthday Adik! As much as I like to spend time with her on her birthday, I have never given the chance. But as long as she has her other friends to do so, I am happy for her.

Shopping madman

Tomorrow is my day of finding out the truth. So what will be the result?

Been another week of shopping, which I know I have to cut back my spending. Yesterday when I was at Mango, I noticed something, which I knew but it came back to me again. Most of the guys who accompanied their female partners tend to just watch as she dd the shopping. Most hardly put any effort in the shopping adventure. Maybe that is why most girls don't bother to have their boyfriends or spouse accompany them when they go shopping. The guy may as well be a block of wood. And the guy probably wish he is somewhere else.

For me, I like shopping. I am involved in the shopping adventure itself. I will rampage through the clothings on sale as much as my partner. I will even go the extend of looking for the size she wants. That is me, the mad-shopper haha.

If any guy reads this, go and be involved in her shopping!

I am feeling down again. Among other things, Adik didn't want be to do the countdown. I am disappointed as it means a lot to me. Haiz .....

Helping hand

I wish I could go KL this weekend, but I can't. I want to take another break. I feeling frustrated again.

At least I managed to help a couple of colleagues, helping people at least distract me from my frustration. I hate to work, but working makes me forget that I don't have anyone to spend time with when I am on break. I am willing to forfeit my break if I can find someone to be with, even if it is work. I want to feel useful, that I am wanted by those I like. I will not be like before. I will only spare my time to those I want to help.

Also, there was another person I had helped yesterday. It was hard trying to persuade her to let me help her. I hope I was able to relieve her of some of her problems.

Another week is passing. The checkup is nearing. I don't know how it will go.

If only I have someone to club with regularly. Yet, maybe I shouldn't dream of clubbing. Sometimes I do wish I have someone to go clubbing with regularly. At least there will be something to look forward to. It would help lessen my frustration.

It is frustrating seeing others spending time together but I can't .... but I want to be happy for them. At least they don't have to be like me .... being friendless!

There is a difference between wanting to be alone, and being left alone.

Wanting to be wanted

I was hoping for the last couple of years that I would get to see her, finally I did on Sunday, but it was a disappointment. She didn't seem keen on talking to me, the same as at work. Have I totally lost any chance of being her friend? I wish she could give me another chance. I need her friendship still.

I need her, I need all of them. I can't do it alone.

Everybody wants to feel wanted ... by those he cares. His family, as well as his friends or at least those he wishes can be. Life is a mess. One shouldn't be alone. I don't want to be alone. Had been the first half century, I want the remaining half, if I get to live that long, to be filled with friends, especially since I have found them.

Even Faliza didn't seem interested. Or Adik Yulie.

I wish I had done more for Nordiana on her birthday, instead of just giving her a book. But I am glad that at least she is talking to me, and replying to my smses.

I depend on sms to keep in touch. If only they know how important it is to me ....

If only they want me as much as I want their friendship. I want to be wanted ....

not clubbing

Who am I to want to go clubbing? Clubbing is for the young and those with friends. I am not young and I don't have any friends that I can ask around if they are interested in going, just because I want to go.

I have been to club before, alone. It wasn't any fun as I like it to be. I couldn't share the joy I had in listening to the music, or having fun on the dancefloor with someone. I could only listen, watch as others enjoyed the night with their friends. With a smile on my face, but tears in my heart. I don't want to do that again.

I wish I can have friends who want to go clubbing with me. I wish I can go clubbing. I wish I have friends ...

Food and good company ...

Today, I had nasi lemak, after a long absent of eating this local dish. I had a craving for this a month ago, but with the sore throat and bad cough, I had opt to miss it for a while. I still have my cough, but heck lah, after seeing a colleague eating it yesterday, I must eat it.And ate it I did haha.

Next on my craving list, is satay. It has been more than two years, longer than I missed nasi lemak. But wait, I didn't really miss eating nasi lemak, just feeling the urge to eat it. But as for satay, yes, I do miss it. Somehow I didn't get round to eating it. I suppose because the family are not too fond of eating this. I like satay, mutton and beef, with the ketupat and cucumber. And the peanut gravy must be thick and good.

If I don't find anybody to enjoy it with, I will have to do it alone then. This month is the final deadline for me to get my hand on satay!!

I know I can always eat alone. But I have been eating and doing things alone for as long as I could remember. I was hoping things would change. But having a family of my own, still doesn't guarantee that I will not do things alone. I don't have any friend that I could find if I want to go for eating session. Not many places are accessable too if one don't have any car of one's own. I depend on my dear if I want to eat, but sometimes she doesn't want to. I don't want to eat alone. Not anymore!


But it seems eating alone may have to be my option again. If I want to eat. I had hope when I met Suhaili. That I would have someone to go eat with, and a buddy to confide. It was not meant to be. I saw her today again. I was thinking, "Why can't I work with her?" Even if I can't be her friend, at least we could be working together. A chance to talk. A smile from her, that would have brighten my life at work. Maybe she would grow to like me as a friend. Maybe. If only I could work with Nordiana and the others too. It is so unfair, that people who don't like them get to work and talk to them, while I can't.

Again, my posting deviate to them, but I have always care so much for them. Each and everyone who has touched my life. Even those I have never met but only feel their presence online. Yes, I shouldn't hold back my feeling on my blog, for I don't know how long I will be blogging. For how long they will come to read my blog. I already fear that I have lost Fadhillah. haiz ... nothing last forever, no matter how much I want it to. Especially people that I wish can be my friends ... that I care.

I don't want to eat alone, but unless I stop eating, I have no choice but accept reality that eating alone is not an option. It is a way of life.

Food is to be share and enjoy among good companions. To have good food and great company, that is what delight the heart, and warm the soul.

Nope, this is not a quotation from any source, just my own. How I wish it can be applied to me ....

Remembering Troy

Saw the Director cut version of "Troy". One of the extra scenes was the preparation of Troy in anticipation of the Greek invasion. I could feel the tension in the air. I don't know how many times I watched the fight scene between Achilles and Hector. I really like the fight, though I don't like the death. Both of theirs.

I felt the loneliness of Achilles. I felt the desire of Achilles of wanting to be recognised. To be somebody. Sometimes I wish the same. To be remembered by those I wanted to befriend. Yet like what someone said in the movie, I know my name will disappear the moment I am gone. Achilles joined the battle to be remembered, not for the present generation or the next, but for eternity. He wanted people to talk about him long after. He succeeded. People will talk of Troy, and know Achilles. Do I have my Troy?

I have told myself so many times not to expect any, yet I couldn't help it when she suggested we ate at Subway. I really wish we could, but when we didn't, I felt disappointed. I don't blame her, just myself for hoping, for thinking it would be possible.

It didn't help that I want a friend companion this few days, yet I don't have any .... I shouldn't be disappointed as I know reality. Yet, I had hope, again. And again, when it didn't happen, I felt disappointed. Expectation again!

If only .... haiz .....

Today 27th of June

June 27th 2008, not a significant date to remember, or meaningful date of the year. But yet, it is a date that I have decided to include in my blog posting as something more than any other day, though it will still disappear into oblivion like the rest. Unless my memory can still recall them.

So what is good, or bad, about today? For one, I was back to morning shift, after such a long time, though there were a few in-between when someone changed shift with me. It is also the first day I was back at work after a bad sickness which I haven't had for some time, and one that found me getting MC which I had not taken for a long long time.

Today was also a day that I saw Suhaili, after months of not seeing her. When I saw her, all I wanted was to say hello to her, tell her "let's start all over again". I still need her friendship, she could help me. But I didn't say anything to her. Let her think that I have given up trying. Yes, I have given up, in wanting to rebuilding friendship with her. But I haven't stop caring and seeing her as a close friend, one that I will gladly help if she needs one.

Just as with Nordiana, and the others. I saw Nordiana too today, even smsed her. I really needed her companion too. But I will not look for it. She don't need me either. All of them have other friends to keep them company. I have them too, and yet I don't, in reality. Suhaili, Nordiana or Yulie, they don't need me, like I do them. I am just another colleague.

Yes, today I wrote their names instead of initial or nickname. This is my blog which I may one day turn to for reference because my memory has failed. I need to remember their names, instead of just a flicker of flashes that my memory try to relate.

There are others, whom my heart felt comfortable with, for who they are, and the joy they gave me with their occasional warmth. To me it means a lot. Farhana, Baidura, Sabrina, Norfaliza, Samsidar .... if only things can be different. Even Rozana, Fadhillah and Suhada, they have been more than just an online company. I found warmth when I read their blogs or chatting via msn. But .... I dare not ask for more. For I am sure to fail too. Even as today, I reached for Nordiana, in my hopelessness, if only she knew, but knowing I could not do more, I resign to my fate once again. I know I will break if I tried too many times but couldn't reach it. I am very tired. I need a close friend, a few good close friends would even be better still. And yet I know I shouldn't expect any. It has been too frustrating, having found those I seek, but can't do anything about it.

Today, as I sat there staring at the trees and yet not looking, my mind felt like it has been sucked of its energy. If there is any energy in the mind in the first place. I had a bad news a few days back, it is still yet to be confirmed, waiting for the appointment next month to know what will transact from there. It will be nice if I can spend time with all those who matter to me. Yet, maybe it will be pointless. They may be important to me, but it will not matter much to them if I didn't get to spend time with them. I should just remain an outsider.

As much as I like them to read my blog, to share my thoughts and feeling, as if I was telling them myself, I am feeling less certain if any of them wants to. I may like to know what is troubling them, but I doubt they will be interested in mine. Only a real friend will like to hear the bad as well as the good.

I have been a broken record so many times in my posting. That is because I blogged due to my inability to find a true friend that I can share with. And Friendship means a lot to me. It gives me direction and hope. Today 27th of June, once again, I am loosing direction and hope, that is because I am giving up on friendship. Yes, I will treasure them, always, but I will not hope to find any real friendship. It is beyond my ability to have any real friend.

Today 27th of June, I cry once again ......

Of dream and dreams ...

That day when I got my MC, I didn't go to work, but that night, I dreamed about work, that I was working. It was a nightmare!

Last night, dreamed about Nd, well, she was in it but rather vague as I can't remember her in it haha, just the situation. I was accomodating her friends, because I wanted her around. Whatever sleep I had anyway, but didn't think I had much, as I soon realised it was time to get up.

will smith Hancock

I want to see this movie Hancock. I saw the trailer, and it looks interesting, and with Will Smith in it, it is a must-see movie to watch. Will Smith is one of my favourite actor. I have always enjoyed his previous movies.

In this movie, Will is the reluctant hero, not your average superhero. But I am sure he will make tights look cool, as he did for sunglasses in MIB. haha




Coming to the end of June, that will mean we are halfway done with 2008. I wonder what the other half wiil bring for me?

I will not expect much, mine is not to reason why, mine is just to accept.

Sickening feeling

Yesterday at work, really feel so sick. I seldom get sick, usually able to handle the mild cases, but this time I felt so weak by the end of the day. And I haven't finished work yet, still got an hour to go. I felt like I could collapse any moment. The headache didn't help either.

So after so many years of not taking any MC, I finally had one. I had broke my clean record of not having any MC after so many years haha.

Today as I headed home after the doctor, I was passing this path, it was quite quiet. Plus with my ear partially blocked, I felt it was more quiet than usual. Or perhaps my imagination, after hearing the bad news .....

Surgery can be unpredicatable. Even with todays technology. Death comes to us all, in many ways and any way. I wonder how mine will be ......

But that is for another time to ponder.

when the day is over ...

After the months of expectation, it is like an anti-climax when the day is over. Especially when I wasn't in the celebration itself, except giving the gift and best wishes. Haiz, but I know I shouldn't expect more. I am just an outsider, that is what I have to keep saying to myself, so the frustration will be lessen.

People have coped without my presence, and they will still cope without my presence.

It is only me, trying to cope without their presences .... I am frustrated, I want more, but I can only dream ....

Didy is star of the day

Happy Birthday Didy

Didy is the star of the day

I can still remember that time when she asked me if I had eaten yet, back then when I didn't even know her name yet haha. I only knew her as Su's friend. But yet, there was something about her that I like. Maybe that was why I was able to accept her so easily as someone I want to be as my close friend. But if only it was the same with her. I almost lost her friendship several times, because of my smses. I dare not ask anymore. I can only hope that I can help her now and then.

I wish Didy happiness, always!

Being there but not there

The other day, I saw Nd for the first time since she came back. We didn't talk much, just the usual hello and a few words. I was very happy to see her. I do miss her. But I know I can't expect things to be different as when before she left. Though I wish in my heart it could. I do need her help ...

Not only her, but the others too. Yesterday again I felt so depress when it struck me that I was unimportant. Especially when they are so important to me, forming part of my social existence. But to them, I may be non-existence. Maybe it is my warped thinking, but I couldn't help it when they don't bother to look for me in their activities. Or sms me. I know I can't expect them to, I am not really their friend. Just somebody who is there, and yet not necessary to be there.

I will still look after them. Yesterday I helped her again, even though I had felt sad in the first place because of her. I don't know, have I like her like the others? I can't help it, it is who I am, no matter how much I often tell myself not to. I still care and want to watch over them. Perhaps the father in me wants to be fatherly over those I care haha. I know I have to let go, give them room to breathe, otherwise I will frighten them away. I know too much of caring can be scaring to those who don't share the same feeling. Maybe making them think I have other motives or intentions in mind, when all I want is their friendship, to be their close and perhaps one of their best friends. Perhaps I am wrong in telling myself that I don't want anything from them in return. I want their friendship, isn't it wanting something in return? There is still a motive, even though I don't expect them to return that friendship.

Yesterday was Father's Day, and as usual, it was never as BIG a thing as Mother's Day. I didn't even get to see the kids as they were sleeping before I left for work, and already gone to bed by the time I came home. Only my dear and Adik wished me yesterday. Blackcat13 wished me this morning. I guess that is good enough.

A mother is like the pillar that support the house, while father is the wall that keeps and protect the house.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, but I am not surprised if I don't get to see her, or anything from her ...

expectation and illusion ...

Expectation is very dangerous, as it can destroy your hope. It hurts and always disappoint. I wish I can stop having expectation. I can only tell myself that it will be an illusion as usual. I will not believe anymore. If it comes, it comes.

Life should be without expectation. But sadly, human will always have expectation. Haiz .....

Pudar

I can only listen to the song over and over again, keeping it on loop. The song is my link to her, and to another person. But tonight it is only her that is in my thoughts as I listen to the song. I wanted so much to be with her on this special day, but I can't, I dare not.

Maybe two years ago, I would, but things have changed. I have lost my hope, my expectation. Friendship is not mind to seek. It will always be a distance, so I may as well keep it at a distance. I dare not expect. When you want something so bad, the more disappointment it is when things doesn't come. All I wish now is that she will be happy.

I have been waiting for this day, and it has become past tense. Till next year come ...

So ... for the moment, I will listen to Pudar, as memory will fade in time. Of memory that this song I first heard from her blog.

Pudar ... fading ... just as my hope has faded.

Zana birthday

To dear Zana,

Glitter Graphics - GlitterLive.com

My leave is over ....

Alright, enough of trying to be creative, I am no Shakespeare. Blame it on two movies I saw that got to do with him haha.

Again, I didn't get to clubbing as I wanted. And my leave ended today. Sigh ... maybe I should have gone ahead going alone. What did I do for my leave? Just shopping and eating, just about the same as my normal working days. With the time going out all the time, I only did manage to sqeeze some cooking time the last two days. Two suppers and one breakfast. Nothing special though.

I was hoping I could do more during my leave. Didn't even step across the causeway to spend. But I suppose it is good for our economy that I spend more locally. Must support our country ya?

Her birthday is tomorrow. I think I am more excited than her. I have always been excited when someone's birthday is approaching, especially those who mean alot to me. Not just my Family, but even people who may not consider me as their friends. Their birthdays are important to me. Just like they are. I wish I can be there with them celebrating, but I know I can't. I do not belong to their circles of close friends and families. I can only be an outsider, but grateful if I am given a chance to pass a gift on their special day. At least I can do something to show I care.

How sad that a week past so quickly! I wish a week is 30days long even 365days, but 7days is all there is. haiz .....

Of holiday .... and Birthday

I do expect more for my break
It is a treat, my holidays
Away from work, and things I hate
To a leisure, pleasure, carefree days.

More shoppings and eating
If only something else will be
Hoping more to fill my days
But things are not up to me.

Often events are beyond our control
If only I can, if only they will
But I do not expect
My days for them to fill.

So shop I do, eat I do
Of set meals, and mini snack
My favourite, ice creams and chocs
So I told them, "I'll be back".

I am excited, maybe more than she
Always are, even if I'm not there
For it's dear to my heart, this things
Of friends, near yet far, so unfair!

So now till the day I wait
5 days more ... don't be late

w890i

My leave started today
Not leaving Sg, sad but oh well ...
May as well help the GSS
And not the sale across the causeway.
For they dont care much about us
with their banning of fuel to us.
Not than it matter to me
Because I dont drive.

I have added a new handset
Just as I am losing another.
Boohoohoo! sad for me
To have to let go, unable to hold.
Because everyone mobile I got
Is precious, not for the phone
But the usage, no matter how little
But still link me to the smses, my contacts.

Yet, lo and behold, my new
a w890i, a beauty to keep


Maybe a while, maybe longer
How precious will it be?
For now, it stays close to me
As it bridges the distance.
To those I not seen
Yet more than as if they have been.

To be able to join the girls ...

Someone changed shift with me so she can go have a girl's night out. I wish I could join as well. Afterall, two of them I have treated as my "friends". I have only my colleagues to depend on if I want a group outing. But they don't involve me in their outing. I guess I can't expect them to accept me since I am not part of their circle of friends.

Why do people have girl's night out? Why can't it just be friends? I rather be able to join the girls than the guys. Not that I have any guy's nite out in the first place haha. What matter is who one will be comfortable with. And what they can share in common. I seldom see guys going out for lunch meet when I went out with my dear for set lunches. Often I see a group of ladies. I wish I have a lunch buddies beside my dear to go with. Of course she can join along too. I like group makan session, I can share their meals too hehe. I am always the official person for any leftover in my family haha.

Somehow, I enjoy more having female companions, as friends and confidante. Sometimes I wish I am a female too, so they can easily accept me. But I am not. And I don't have any female buddies who will let me join them in their outings. Haiz ...

Weekend is here. I got one more day to work on Sunday, then I will be away from my workplace for a week. I need the break. But if only I can go KL. But they don't want to, and it will not be fun going alone. I think I have lost the urge to do things alone. Maybe I should find it back. Since that seem to be the direction I am left with. And to keep my sanity.

There is only so much I can do with my dear, and there are times she is not keen on what I want to do. Neither are the kids. Maybe I do need to go clubbing alone, go on trip alone, if I am to avoid my frustration from building up. Is this what married life is about? Doing things alone when the family doesn't want to join you? And you got no friends? I have tried to avoid that for many years, giving up what I want for the family sake. I still will I suppose, but inside me, I want to ....

But I don't know .. I am at a lost.....

I want to eat donut .. been screaming for it all week. Weeks actually haha. Okay, I did had one last week, but .... still want more donuts, sooooo, will get a dozen or two ...

Enuff said!

TB and GSS

ZANA IS IN LOVE WITH TAUFIK BATISAH! but so do million other females hehe.

This week was not a good week as my work timing don't give me much time. I couldn't make use of the opportunity to do shopping. I couldn't gain from the Great Singapore Sale!!

Maybe they should make GSS a 24-hour event haha. But I don't feel so into the GSS this year, maybe due to my constraint, in a lot of things. Haiz, a man who loves to shop but lost the reason to shop. sigh!!

Nd gave me a good news, hope it will be. I miss her being able to see and chat with her, even though it was not often.

Few days more, and I can stay away from work, and the people that I thought I could depend on. At least, for a week. As usual, they have disappointed me, time and time again.



I seek not much,
but still I need.
Why can't they help,
at least my feed?

more ice cream, less dream

Yes Fad, I know I shouldn't have too many ice creams, but heck, I had the set meal at Just Noodle again. That means, I had my ice creams again haha. Again, ice cream was the appetiser, while waiting for the main course to come, and of course as the dessert, six scoops of deliciously cold yummy ice creams.

I was hoping, dreaming of going clubbing, a colleague gave me hope, she said she would call me, but there was no call. Probably she changed her mind. Not the first time. I kinda expected it I suppose, but still I was disappointed I couldn't go clubbing. Again. My dear didn't want to go either. So, unless I went alone, no clubbing for me. Again. I didn't feel like going alone. Not anymore. It has been a long while since I last went, I really wanted to go. Haiz ....

Saw part of Van Helsing when I came back from work. I did saw it before. Frankenstein, Dracula, Vampires, werewolves! Jackman and Beckinsale! The story ... more than creatures of the night, it was a love story.But .... He killed her as she saved him. Such cruel destiny for Van Helsing. But it was his destiny ....

ice cream and me

Had set lunch at Breeks at Marina Square. This giant photo of ice-cream is so dreamy haha. The set at Breeks comes with ice-cream scoop. And it is nice and creamy. Though I enjoyed my meal at Just Noodle the other day as it came with unlimited ice-cream ;-) the more the yummier!

I am already craving for the mango ice-cream I ate at Just Noodle haha. Think I wanna to back there for my unlimited ice-cream again ... soon.

I had been indulging into plenty of ice-creams the last couple of days, even at home, and I wonder how long my tooth will last. I believe I got one bad tooth, I felt a hole. Oh well, nothing last forever. Especially certain thing that I wish can ....

x

choc-a-day .... food a day

my chocolate for the day.

I am still keeping to my favourite diet of a chocolate a day, thought I do miss it time and again. But if I can remember, I will dig into my fridge for a piece of chocolate, not the whole bar of 250gm, thought at times I do feel like doing so kekeke.

Yesterday had lunch at Just Noodle at Suntec. Now the set meals come with free flow of ice-cream as their dessert, besides the free flow of drinks, peach tea, coffee, cappucino or soft drinks. I had my ice cream as appetiser while waiting for my set to come haha. And later had six scoops of ice creams, though I could have more except I don't want to overeat as I was full from my meal already, as well as including my partner leftover. I like the mango flavour. Maybe next time will not order the side dishes, then I could have more ice creams haha.

Read in the newspaper about people who wasted food with their leftover. Well, if they had me around, there will not be much leftover to throw away. I am always the one to clear any leftover at home or when out eating. I always feel it would be a waste if something can still be eaten. I can't remember when, but when I was younger, someone or maybe something I read, said that people out there are hunger because they have no food, and here in Singapore people are wasting food. It was a long time ago, and yet it is still happening today in Singapore, and elsewhere.

Life is unfair. Will people experience hunger before they change their habit? But then, maybe not too. Haiz ....

Danity can?

Danity Kane new album is out.

I don't know if I should get it. So far from what I get to hear, I only like two of the songs. I suppose because I saw the dance video of the songs, that I make me like the songs hahaha. But sometimes some songs need time to grow on a person before one finds it nice to listen to.

While looking for DK songs, I found this video.


Found this clip of Danity Kane's new song, StripTease, the clip is a dance class by Luam. This Luam is fantastic, I like her style, so varied, strong yet often sexy. My kind of style hahaha

cake,

Tea time at Secret Recipe. Simply delicious!
Couldn't remember which cakes I had the last time, ordered this, mango and the banana chocolate, and think it was the same as last time haha

tick tock tick tock

Life goes on .... tick tock tick tock

Blogging is something I have no option as where else can I let people know what I have been up to. I wish that things can be different but it isn't. I need someone that I can sms often, so we can exchange info on what we are up to. In fact, I do have people that I have in mind. But, they are not interested. Eh, I did mention that so many times in my previous post haha. Nothing change since then .. oh well.

Read in the newspaper about people switching off handphone and computer for a day .. I guess I can do that if I want to. Even longer as people don't contact me anyway. But it will mean I am cutting myself off from the only option I have of keeping in touch with people I want to keep in touch with. Which is bad for me. Even if they may not want to keep in touch with me. I need them. If only they realise how much they mean to me.

Have been trying to distract my mind from the feeling of loneliness when I am at work. By doing work ... and more work. Even those jobs that I am not suppose to be doing. Maybe hopefully I will collapse from overwork, so I got an excuse not to come to work haha. Not that I care for the company, but because I want to help my fellow colleagues. To reduce their workload. Because I know how it feels not having people to help me. So in a way, because of my frustration that my colleagues do not bother to include me in their activities, I have became more useful to them. Not that I care either. I am just doing it to keep myself busy. More busy I am, the less time I have to feel sorry for myself. I know people make use of me. It doesn't matter. There are some colleagues that I do still wish can be close friends, but I have stopped wishing it. I just want to be able to help them with their workload if I can.

I don't do things for them and hoping for something in return. Not even friendship as I know friendship cannot be bought or forced. I do things because I like to, because I want to see them happy. I know I am silly as usual. But that is what I am, to those who really know me. In my negative-thinking, broody persona that I have become, inside I am still the silly guy, who still feels he is 15. OR 12! Whatever age I feel like at the moment haha.



I am still doing silly stuffs when I am around people who accepted me. I am still excited when I see hiphop dancing. Not ballroom which often people relate me to because I am OLD in real age. I suppose I am a modern Peter Pan, the guy who never grow old ... at heart. Even when I am growing old in reality haha. I wonder if I will still think the same at 100 .... if I live that long lolz haha.


I guess I can't keep away from blogging, no matter how much I try. It is my only outlet of expressing myself and what I did. A diary of my life.

Tick tock tick tock .....

Farewell ....

Z, I can understand how it is to lose someone you loved alot. May you find someone better than him. Do take care, I will miss you.

I am losing so many people that means alot to me recently, and it may not be over yet. Will adik be next? I want them to keep in touch, but who am I to ask this from them. I know that I am not important to them, but they are to me. Everybody has his/her own problem, me included. But I am willing to listen to theirs. That is the difference between how I see them and how they see me. Maybe we don't get to meet up, but sms will do for me. Maybe it is the only venue for us to keep in touch. But even that I am denied.

Friends help each other, staying by their sides through good times and especially the bad. That is why they are called friends.

I added another name to my list, which I should have done long ago. Quiche was the reason I started blogging. If there is anyone I like to share my life with, she will be the one. At least I was wishing she could be. But she didn't want any part of me.

Each and everyone in my list (heart2heart2stomach) is important to me. Without whom I would have gone insane long ago. I have especially chosen the few of you to share my thoughts. Those I knew from my workplace, though I had given this url to Didy I don't know if she ever read this blog, while the others don't know of this site existence. But if they had accepted me as their close friends, what I had posted here, I would have shared with them readily.

To those of you I only knew online, you are just as important. That is why you are in the list. That is why I was sharing with you. Throughout my blogging days, you have helped me at one time or another. I wish we can be more than just online friends, but I don't expect so. Thank you, we may just be online friends, but to me, everyone of you is important, and I do care.

Especially Z, you are the first person that I grown attached to, even though we never met. That is why it hurts when you didn't want to let me part of your life when you are troubled.

It makes me realised that I can never be important to anyone. As long as I am not part of their close friends.

I don't feel like blogging anymore. Even as I write this, I feel the tears coming. I have grown too attach to things that I shouldn't. I know if I continue blogging, I will get too personal and emotional, keep writing about the same things, things that is hurting me, deviating from things I want and should blog.

Thank you, tragedic, hitchic, jAs, blackcat13 and especially Zana, I appreciate your friendship. I don't want to lose anyone of you, but I know sooner or later you will stop blogging, and disappear. Perhaps it is better I stop dreaming first.

Maybe su, adik and didy will never read what I had written here, but all of you are dear to me, as if you are really my close friends. Frankly, to me, all of you are the closest thing I have to having a close friend.

It hurts that I have to give up this blog, as it is a point of contact from me to you, but I can't go on dreaming. For wanting and needing a close friend is a dream that I know I will never have.

The song from this video was the 1st malay song that started my interest in malay song. And changed my life. The first time I heard it was from Zana blog. I still love this song. More important is that it is linked to Zana and Nd, whom both I may have lost forever if they choose not to keep in touch with me. But they will always be close to my heart ... and never fade ...


Take care my dear friends ..... all of you will always remain in my heart as my close yet distance friends :-)

Sushi and me

Finally get to eat my sushi ... in Singapore haha. Went down to Parkway at Genki or was it Sakae Sushi haha, I get mix up with the two always. Anyway, I am finally satisfied :-D

I wanted to eat sushi while in Tokyo, I saw a sushi bar, or whatever they called it there. But my dear didn't want to eat, so I had to skip it. I remembered the last trip, the airport hotel breakfast had sushi as well as sashimi. Ate raw cuttlefish for the 1st time, and I liked it. This trip didn't had any at the hotel or anyway. I was disappointed. And everyday I kept saying I wanted my sushi when I came back to Sg, till Saturday when I got my satisfaction.

Work has been crazy with the new schedule. So far been getting nil break, really nil. So I am lucky I have my snacks on hand to silent my tummy, and to renew my energy. Not that I take my break usually. I hardly go to the canteen, when I don't have anybody to go with. And I don't have anybody always. For the last two years I don't think the number of times I went to eat can't possibly fill a month. But not that I wasnt eating. I have to eat, I get hungry often haha. I just nibbled on snacks. That is how I filled my tummy when I am at work. I filled myself up either before work, or after work.

That is why I always look forward to off days as I ate a lot. I don't go back for recall. If I stay at home, I would be looking for food every hour, it is kinda scary so I rather go out to the mall where I get to exercise my legs. And do my favourite past-time, that is shopping. And of course, eating. At least if I eat alot, I don't have to worry of my tummy growing ;-)

I am really missing my dancing. I haven't been to the malay group session for a few months. They didn't contact me, I didn't bother. I don't know, maybe I am out of place. I am a little disappointed with the group also, too much time wasted as they are not organised.

I need a real dance group. But then, I am getting on in years, my body isn't what it was, maybe it is time I retire.

I want to go clubbing, but my dear don't. I got no outlet to show off, I am feeling frustrated again. But I have to keep it within me.

But without the two important things in my life, dancing and friends, I don't know how much I can withhold my frustration ...

Losing people that matter ...

I should have gone to see Siti Nurhaliza concert. I should have gone to see Maroon 5 concert. But I didn't.

I should have asked to spend time with Nd for the last time. But I didn't.

I should have changed my job a long time ago. But I didn't.

I should have .... there are a lot of things I should have done. But I didn't.

Time is move only in one direction. And it does.
I can't bring back the past.

:-(

I am losing people that matter, the nearest thing I have to having friends, who I need to be around me, but they are not. And I can't do anything about it. One by one, they are leaving my life. My comfort. My existence. And I know the others will disappear too, sooner or later.

That is the difference between being a friend to them, or just a casual acquaintance. I don't matter to them. But they are to me. It is so unfair, that I believe I can be a better friend to them, than some of theirs, and yet I can't be. Perhaps I am wrong, as I have never been able to proof that I can be a real friend in a long term. I never have someone close who is still in contact with me after so many years. Those I have liked, and meant a lot to me, have all disappeared.

I don't see any difference now. To them, I am just a casual aquaintance, just a colleague or someone they chat if they are free. They have others who they called friends, smsing and meeting up.

Maybe it is time I really really see reality. I CAN'T be someone close friend. Yes, I am being negative. I can't help it. I may not be but when people make me feel this way all the time, I can't help but feel inferior.

I may not go around asking everyone to be my friend, but time and time again, there are some who I like, and something inside me wish they can be my friend. It is only a wishful thinking.

Friends mean alot to me. I don't want to lose them. But I am losing each and everyone of them. Always.

I hate this feeling I have now ....

April Fool but maybe not ...

Adik sent me a April Fool message, that today was her last day. It was only a joke, and it shocked me, and I cried. But it can still be happening, as her contract is ending this month.

I don't want her to leave, she is like a daughter to me. But it is not up to me. I know that if she leaves the company, I will never see her again. Just like Nd. Just like in the past, with all those who wasn't my colleage anymore.

And the feeling of losing those who mean a lot to me .... it hurt.

Crying

Watched "Fire with Fire" on cable on Saturday, about a young guy in prison who met a student by chance. When the both of them touched, first two palms touching, then the fingers wrapped each other, I felt their love, and I couldn't help the tears swelling in my eyes. As again in several scenes.

Caught a rerun of Smallville too, and again I cried. It seemed I did it too often the last couple of days. Again yesterday when I watched Heroes, season 2. I felt as if I was there, was part of the shows. Heroes, Angel, Buffy, Smallville, Tru Calling etc etc many of the tv series are no longer showing. But these shows make me cried and laugh. I wrote about it in my Moblog days about some of the shows.


Crying to myself seems my only option nowaday. Whether watching movie/tv or my own situation. As when I thought of my lost, my guinea pig. As well as someone, no, especially someone that matter so much but I will never get to see her again now she is no longer working here. I cried. The realisation that she will be gone from my life, no matter that I may still have her contact number. But what good will that be, when we can never meet. I didn't even get to see her on her last day. I wanted to get a last chance to spend time with her, but was too chickened to ask her, fearing that she may not have the time, and I would be too disappointed. Now I will never get that chance. Yesterday, as my mind wandered, I wanted to sms her, I needed someone to chat, but I didn't. What good will it do? She was never keen on sms chat with me. She wasn't two days back when I messaged her. I don't want to be disappointed again. I can only cried.


A grown man cry. I am emotional, I know, but have grown more emotional lately. sheesh ... I ought to shoot myself .......... but not now ....

Right now, I just want to cry ......

Tokyo 2008 Part2

What better way than to enjoy the 12degree or so coldness of the street than eating ice-cream.



Breakfast at Sunlite. Too bad not buffet style.

We went to Akihabara and Shibuya. I can still remember Akihabara on my first trip, and going to Yoshinoya to eat their beef rice. I brought them to eat at the place this time.








This is the gadget that Japan is famous for, this is on the arm of the toilet bowl, ladies, it can spray water to clean your ... er, you know what, front and back. Good for the guys too. So convenient.


One of the many vending machines available, from cigarettes to drinks



Inside Narita Express train to the airport.




I didn't go to any shrine or museum or cultural sites. But I didn't go there for that. I am more interested in Tokyo, as a shopping and eating places. I didn't get to shop much as the prices are usually more than what I can get in Sg. But I did get to sample some nice food. You can find a basement of stalls selling all kinds of food, like what we see here in Sg at Takashimaya basement. Stalls and stalls selling sushi, bread, delicacies, fried meat, bun etc etc. So tempting.

And then, there are side lanes selling noodles and rice, like this small outlet. The noodle soup was so good. And it was the cheapest place to get a bowl of noodle.


I will always remember the sight, smell and taste of Tokyo. I hope to go back again in a few years time. Or maybe next year? haha. Haiz ... must save up first ....

Tokyo 2008 Part1

My first time to Tokyo was in November 2005, a reconnaissance trip, to check out the area before I bring my family over. I used my free ticket, reaching Tokyo in the morning, spent a day day, and left in the evening. First time I travelled to a country and spent only a day haha.

Brought my family in March 2006, it was nice though the trip from the hotel to main city was long, and expensive. We stayed at the airport vicinity.

March 2008, we are back to Tokyo for another holiday. This time, we flied on ANA, which we almost couldn't get a ticket. It was very stressful planning the trip, but eventually everything was settled. But it was costly, not being able to buy a package. What I paid for tickets and hotel, a package would have cost less with more incentive included.

It was the first time I took ANA, and the service is as good if not better than SIA. They only lacked English otherwise I am sure more people would have given it more praise, and maybe outshone SIA when it comes to gaining award. As usual I enjoyed the meal on board, mine and those that the kids don't eat haha. But the entertainment console lagged behind to those available on SIA.

Finally, we landed in Tokyo,Japan.


Our first night was at Narita Port Hotel, at airport vicinity.

The next day, it was off to the main city where we were to stay for the next few
days. We took the coach, instead of the rail.

Finally, we reached Shinjuku. Took a cab to our hotel, the driver didn't know the location of the hotel, depended on his GPS in his taxi. Our hotel, Sunlite Hotel, is a small one, compared to the Port Hotel, this was indeed a downgrade of our hotel. And the room even smaller.

After dropping our stuffs in the hotel, went to Shinjuku Station to check it out. It is about 10-15mins walk. The weather was cooling, about 10-17 degree while we were there.







It is nice to be in Tokyo during this time, but after two days, I can feel my lips drying up, and worried it may cracked. But luckily, it didn't.


To be continue .....