48hours

STRESS! STRESS!

The last 48hours has been stressful. I must have lost countless hairs within that time. Shhheeshh! As if I can afford to lose anymore ...

So many things to do within the 48 hours, each time there was a stumbling block. Hopefully, there will not be anymore. I want to keep the rest of my grey hair .. er, oops not grey anymore since I have dyed them red again haha.

At least one more less to worry about. PSLE out today. I am glad she did well enough to go secondary. I even shed tears of happiness. It was a relief knowing she make it. Now ... for the waiting .... hopefully she gets in to her 1st choice of school.

bad day and friendship

Work was simply insane on Tuesday. I was surprised of the work combination I got that day, never happened before with any of the colleagues. Oh well, should not be surprising as the rosterer had a habit of doing a poor job of rostering. I don't want to put them down on their job, maybe to them they think they are doing good, I should be thankful that there are days when their mess-up gave me long period of nothing to do. So who am I to complain?

But I ended up doing overtime becaused something happended that night. I felt tired already earlier because I had to complete some pre-operation duties alone, usually being another colleague to help whoever was given that job. It was a tiring day on the whole.

I wanted to message Nd, but in the end, I dared not. I am already glad that she did speak to me briefly, very brief actually, the last few days when we crossed each other path. I am happy for that. Nothing much in our conversation, just work-related, but even a smile would help me cope with work at this stage.

Again, when I was feeling down, I needed a friend to chat, to cheer myself up. She came to mind, like before. But I have to keep silent whatever I wanted to say as I don't want to lose her again. Or I thought I did when she didn't speak or look my way for a couple of months. Or reply my smses. It isn't easy for me coping a world without friends, and I do need a friend support. I consider her a friend, even though she just treat me as another colleague. I don't want to lose her. I have already lost Su ... and it hurts still, not able to know how she is doing. A friend cares for each other. A real friend do. I don't need another mere colleagues or acquaintances who don't bother if you eat or not.

If I open up, I lose them. If I don't, maybe at least they will still speak to me.

Life is short. Time is short. I can't afford to wait for time to buildup friendship. People tend to disappear from my life before any friendship can happen. I can only have acquaintances. Is it enough?

Enough or not, I have to live with it .....
Haiz ....

Friends with Capital "F"

Su has a baby boy, I am happy for her.

I live in a world of blackout news, where people seldom tell me anything. Whatever I know, it is often by chance, when others happened to talk in front of me. I suppose I am glad that others gossip haha.


I really appreciate Nd for passing the news. Not hearing anything about her since she went on maternity leave, this is a most welcome news for me. I am ashamed to say that I cried on hearing the good news, tears of joy that I couldn't hold back. As to me, she has meant alot, even if she didn't accept my friendship. I wish I can be there to congratulate her, to share her joy. But it doesn't matter. All I want is her happiness. It is all that matter.

There was this articles in Mind Your Body, a supplement of the Straits Times, about friendship. Or rather about companionship which most people took liberally as friendship. It quotes Aristotle's analysis of the love that exists between friends, about friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure and perfect friendship. The articles only summaries briefly, but it is interesting. Maybe if I can find the book it mentioned, it may be worth to read.

Most "friendships" forged at work are really companionship. It is a friendship of utility. Real friends are friends that you wish to have for who they are. Though I may be guilty of wanting them for companionship, I have always accepted my friends for themselves, for who they are, not because they may be useful to me. I have always want to make them happy, more than I wish them to make me happy. Among those who have touched my heart, Yulie, Su and Nd will always have a special place in my heart that is reserved for friends with a capital "F". And that space is enough for a few more, which I have found too, though some I have not met them.

"There is no doubt that companionship is a good thing; and companions are friends, of a sort. But they are friends with a small "f" - no no substitute for the intimate friends we all want and need."

For me, the friendship I seek is a capital "F", and though I found them, I couldn't have that friendship.

Aristotle says: "Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods."

In a way, I agree with him. My family, my friends and my dance ... 3 things that I need, one less and my world is not complete. My dance world currently is not entirely satisfactory to me for I still feel cripple. I only have my family ... but without any real friend, I feel lonely.

Haiz ... I can only accept my fate ...

jAs

370 610

Had to give up 2 of my precious handphones .. so sad ... they were part of my life, had shared memories of what i did.


Z370 and K610, i will miss u both ....

Nd and Su .... I miss them too. Not able to chat with them ... the way that friends do ....

Good deal?

I have recontracted my broadband. Thought I had a good deal, managed to get some offer on the last day of the promotion, but it turns out that the next promo is better .. haiz ... always like that. If I wait, nothing good comes. When I bought it, better deal is being offered. Haiz ....

Finally used my voucher at Ajisen, tend to forget if I keep too long. Had a number of occasions lapse my vouchers in the past. So ... a lesson to learn: Don't keep any voucher too long, you may tend to forget that you have one!

Shoe shopping

I was livelier than usual at work yesterday, doing what came naturally for me ie being helpful. But I know that they will not appreciate it the next day. Anyway, appreciation from them has never been my intention. I was just being myself. I don't expect them to be a friend just because I help them. I know that I will be just "useful" to them.

I read this article, about making friends in the workplace just because they serve a purpose. I don't do that, though I know others do it to me. If I want to make use of people, I would have make use of all the managers so they will help me, like some people do. In fact I am the opposite. I hardly wish them, they wish me first, as if I am the manager haha. And to those who don't, I couldn't be bother with them.

I help others is because I want to. I feel good doing so.

Just like shopping haha.

And yesterday, went shopping again. I have enough sport shoes, but yet bought another one again haha. I bought a total of six sport shoes within 30 days. As if I doing a lot of sporting activities hahaha. Which I don't!

I like the sitting decoration of Funan's foodcourt. And not because it is red, though it is visual appealing to me ;-) I find the atmosphere there is more to a restaurant than a foodcourt.

Friday already, this weekend I will be off. Looking forward to it ......

November is getting short

Yulie gave me some raya cookies. Thanks, adik, you make my raya! Enjoying the cookies now, yummy! If only you are really my adik, I wish I can look after you like a real adik.

It's already November, I must plan for my leave as don't want to waste it. The stupid company rules that I must take it and not deviate from my balloted slot, which I had to do way in January when the roster wasn't even up yet. Many things can prevent it being an ideal slot. And it is.

I was planning to go for the trip, but the family can't give me an answer. I have my plan but it is no use if they don't agree. And most likely I am unable. haiz ... it will be whatever it is decided by them.

I don't know how to deal with current problem. I need to find a way to cover the shortage. But I know it will only lead to more problems. I can only hope I can do some solving next month. Or I may get into big trouble!

A couple of birthdays is coming, I hope I can make their day, though I know I will unlikely to join in their celebrations. But it is nothing new since none of those I had wished before ever let me join them. I am just happy if I can see their smile, if I get to see them haha. Most of it was via sms or through blogs. Oh well ... I am the one who wanted to wish them anyway, and I am satisfied that I was able to do that.

Sometimes I satisfy too easily haha

Happy November, everybody!

My Raya

On Friday, I had my BBQ. I didn't had any with my colleagues, they were not interested and didn't seem to miss me. To think I wanted to cook for them. Never mind, at least I can do for this group.

I had to wait a while when I went down to the chalet, they had some errant to do. That left me less time to spend as I need to go off early. The barbeque didn't started till about eight o'clock. At least I was happy cooking for them. I always enjoyed suntanning over the pit haha. Quite simply, I just love cooking for people.

It was a small group as the others never showed up. But the all malay company was nice. Even had a baby there, who I played with for a while while the mother played with the others. Too bad I couldn't stay over as I had to work in the morning.

On Saturday, I went to watch them perform at a Hari Raya function. When I heard the raya song that I often played, the one sung by Dayang, I couldn't help shedding a tear, as the song filled the hall. As I watched everyone wearing their best bajus, I felt a little satisfied. Together with the chalet thing, it is the closest I get to celebrating Hari Raya.

I don't think I want to have any expectation for next year. This two years has been a disappointment as much as joy as I seek to spend Raya. It will goes the way I felt for CNY ... and Christmas. At least for Christmas, I still get the excitement of looking for presents. Gone is the desire for Christmas song too :(

haiz ...

What joy it is to find happiness in celebration ...

Death comes to all

At 2.30am, smelling the aroma from the pastries from Delifrance can wake one sleepiness. How I love pastries! haha

Recently one of my colleagues got a motorbike accident, luckily she and her bf escaped with scratches and not their lives. Someone online too had an accident involving motorbike. Thank God they are fine. But some don't. Bike accident occurs so often, one can read in the newspapers. But people still will ride one. I had a brush with one too back in the old days when I was riding. One can only pray that someone we know will be alright whenever they get onto a bike.

Death will come, it is just a matter of when and where. And how!

I don't want to see or hear of somebody I know has passed away. Hopefully, I will go first before them .... and only after I had eaten my pastries! (haha)

Life is short ...