Memory is only as good as one can remember. How I wish I can recall memories of things I valued, but sometimes it is not up to me.
I can't remember details. Things are vague, as my braincells loses or misplaced my memories.
I know they meant alot to me, but I can't remember details of the things we did. Just that they were and still are.
More than 4 years has passed, though I remember not the details, I still felt them in my heart, of wanting their friendship. The things I would do for them, even though I couldn't be with them. Like the writing of the lounge card invitation, though they asked me not to, I still did for them. It was the only link I had, as I couldn't work with them, no matter how much I wanted to. I could only do it when I was alone, using whatever spare time I had. I wanted to be able to do something for them. By doing things for them, I would feel I was with them. Yes, in my mind only.
Just as I did for Adik. Nobody asked me to stamp the pass for her, she didn't either. I wanted to help her. All of them. If I did something which would benefit them, I wouldn't mind doing on my own time. Breaktime meant nothing if I had nobody to spend the time with. So I drown myself in work, finding ways to help them, even if they were not present when I did it. Whether they were there or not was not an issue, though it would have been nice, all I wanted was to help to them with their work. No, I am not workaholic, just wanting to help friends. Friendaholic, maybe? If there is such a word haha.
I never stopped wishing that I could join them, whether be it working, or hanging out. Often I wish we were the same team again. I know it doesn't mean that they would accept me. At least then we could work together more often. But I couldn't. I hardly get to see them. And even if I see them, we don't get to talk, maybe the occasional "hello" and "goodbye".
My memory of them is fading, but not my feeling of what they were to me, a friend when I needed one. Yes, I didn't actually get to be their close friend, but thinking that they were had helped me. Even if it was for a while. Perhaps that was why they had lingered on in my memories more than others. That I had wished that we could be more than casual friends.
I don't dare to dream of it, I don't expect that we will, it takes two to be close friends.
One day my memories of them will be gone, along with how I felt about wanting their friendship. Right now, I may long for their friendship, very much. But soon, I may not even remember who they are. They will not remember me either.
Nobody knows the future. If I am lucky, maybe I still will remember them, of how they meant to me ..... but maybe not why. It is sad if I lose the only thing I have of them, my memories.
Adik Yulie, Nordiana and Suhaili ..... at least this posting will remember you.
