Today 27th of June

June 27th 2008, not a significant date to remember, or meaningful date of the year. But yet, it is a date that I have decided to include in my blog posting as something more than any other day, though it will still disappear into oblivion like the rest. Unless my memory can still recall them.

So what is good, or bad, about today? For one, I was back to morning shift, after such a long time, though there were a few in-between when someone changed shift with me. It is also the first day I was back at work after a bad sickness which I haven't had for some time, and one that found me getting MC which I had not taken for a long long time.

Today was also a day that I saw Suhaili, after months of not seeing her. When I saw her, all I wanted was to say hello to her, tell her "let's start all over again". I still need her friendship, she could help me. But I didn't say anything to her. Let her think that I have given up trying. Yes, I have given up, in wanting to rebuilding friendship with her. But I haven't stop caring and seeing her as a close friend, one that I will gladly help if she needs one.

Just as with Nordiana, and the others. I saw Nordiana too today, even smsed her. I really needed her companion too. But I will not look for it. She don't need me either. All of them have other friends to keep them company. I have them too, and yet I don't, in reality. Suhaili, Nordiana or Yulie, they don't need me, like I do them. I am just another colleague.

Yes, today I wrote their names instead of initial or nickname. This is my blog which I may one day turn to for reference because my memory has failed. I need to remember their names, instead of just a flicker of flashes that my memory try to relate.

There are others, whom my heart felt comfortable with, for who they are, and the joy they gave me with their occasional warmth. To me it means a lot. Farhana, Baidura, Sabrina, Norfaliza, Samsidar .... if only things can be different. Even Rozana, Fadhillah and Suhada, they have been more than just an online company. I found warmth when I read their blogs or chatting via msn. But .... I dare not ask for more. For I am sure to fail too. Even as today, I reached for Nordiana, in my hopelessness, if only she knew, but knowing I could not do more, I resign to my fate once again. I know I will break if I tried too many times but couldn't reach it. I am very tired. I need a close friend, a few good close friends would even be better still. And yet I know I shouldn't expect any. It has been too frustrating, having found those I seek, but can't do anything about it.

Today, as I sat there staring at the trees and yet not looking, my mind felt like it has been sucked of its energy. If there is any energy in the mind in the first place. I had a bad news a few days back, it is still yet to be confirmed, waiting for the appointment next month to know what will transact from there. It will be nice if I can spend time with all those who matter to me. Yet, maybe it will be pointless. They may be important to me, but it will not matter much to them if I didn't get to spend time with them. I should just remain an outsider.

As much as I like them to read my blog, to share my thoughts and feeling, as if I was telling them myself, I am feeling less certain if any of them wants to. I may like to know what is troubling them, but I doubt they will be interested in mine. Only a real friend will like to hear the bad as well as the good.

I have been a broken record so many times in my posting. That is because I blogged due to my inability to find a true friend that I can share with. And Friendship means a lot to me. It gives me direction and hope. Today 27th of June, once again, I am loosing direction and hope, that is because I am giving up on friendship. Yes, I will treasure them, always, but I will not hope to find any real friendship. It is beyond my ability to have any real friend.

Today 27th of June, I cry once again ......

Of dream and dreams ...

That day when I got my MC, I didn't go to work, but that night, I dreamed about work, that I was working. It was a nightmare!

Last night, dreamed about Nd, well, she was in it but rather vague as I can't remember her in it haha, just the situation. I was accomodating her friends, because I wanted her around. Whatever sleep I had anyway, but didn't think I had much, as I soon realised it was time to get up.

will smith Hancock

I want to see this movie Hancock. I saw the trailer, and it looks interesting, and with Will Smith in it, it is a must-see movie to watch. Will Smith is one of my favourite actor. I have always enjoyed his previous movies.

In this movie, Will is the reluctant hero, not your average superhero. But I am sure he will make tights look cool, as he did for sunglasses in MIB. haha




Coming to the end of June, that will mean we are halfway done with 2008. I wonder what the other half wiil bring for me?

I will not expect much, mine is not to reason why, mine is just to accept.

Sickening feeling

Yesterday at work, really feel so sick. I seldom get sick, usually able to handle the mild cases, but this time I felt so weak by the end of the day. And I haven't finished work yet, still got an hour to go. I felt like I could collapse any moment. The headache didn't help either.

So after so many years of not taking any MC, I finally had one. I had broke my clean record of not having any MC after so many years haha.

Today as I headed home after the doctor, I was passing this path, it was quite quiet. Plus with my ear partially blocked, I felt it was more quiet than usual. Or perhaps my imagination, after hearing the bad news .....

Surgery can be unpredicatable. Even with todays technology. Death comes to us all, in many ways and any way. I wonder how mine will be ......

But that is for another time to ponder.

when the day is over ...

After the months of expectation, it is like an anti-climax when the day is over. Especially when I wasn't in the celebration itself, except giving the gift and best wishes. Haiz, but I know I shouldn't expect more. I am just an outsider, that is what I have to keep saying to myself, so the frustration will be lessen.

People have coped without my presence, and they will still cope without my presence.

It is only me, trying to cope without their presences .... I am frustrated, I want more, but I can only dream ....

Didy is star of the day

Happy Birthday Didy

Didy is the star of the day

I can still remember that time when she asked me if I had eaten yet, back then when I didn't even know her name yet haha. I only knew her as Su's friend. But yet, there was something about her that I like. Maybe that was why I was able to accept her so easily as someone I want to be as my close friend. But if only it was the same with her. I almost lost her friendship several times, because of my smses. I dare not ask anymore. I can only hope that I can help her now and then.

I wish Didy happiness, always!

Being there but not there

The other day, I saw Nd for the first time since she came back. We didn't talk much, just the usual hello and a few words. I was very happy to see her. I do miss her. But I know I can't expect things to be different as when before she left. Though I wish in my heart it could. I do need her help ...

Not only her, but the others too. Yesterday again I felt so depress when it struck me that I was unimportant. Especially when they are so important to me, forming part of my social existence. But to them, I may be non-existence. Maybe it is my warped thinking, but I couldn't help it when they don't bother to look for me in their activities. Or sms me. I know I can't expect them to, I am not really their friend. Just somebody who is there, and yet not necessary to be there.

I will still look after them. Yesterday I helped her again, even though I had felt sad in the first place because of her. I don't know, have I like her like the others? I can't help it, it is who I am, no matter how much I often tell myself not to. I still care and want to watch over them. Perhaps the father in me wants to be fatherly over those I care haha. I know I have to let go, give them room to breathe, otherwise I will frighten them away. I know too much of caring can be scaring to those who don't share the same feeling. Maybe making them think I have other motives or intentions in mind, when all I want is their friendship, to be their close and perhaps one of their best friends. Perhaps I am wrong in telling myself that I don't want anything from them in return. I want their friendship, isn't it wanting something in return? There is still a motive, even though I don't expect them to return that friendship.

Yesterday was Father's Day, and as usual, it was never as BIG a thing as Mother's Day. I didn't even get to see the kids as they were sleeping before I left for work, and already gone to bed by the time I came home. Only my dear and Adik wished me yesterday. Blackcat13 wished me this morning. I guess that is good enough.

A mother is like the pillar that support the house, while father is the wall that keeps and protect the house.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, but I am not surprised if I don't get to see her, or anything from her ...

expectation and illusion ...

Expectation is very dangerous, as it can destroy your hope. It hurts and always disappoint. I wish I can stop having expectation. I can only tell myself that it will be an illusion as usual. I will not believe anymore. If it comes, it comes.

Life should be without expectation. But sadly, human will always have expectation. Haiz .....

Pudar

I can only listen to the song over and over again, keeping it on loop. The song is my link to her, and to another person. But tonight it is only her that is in my thoughts as I listen to the song. I wanted so much to be with her on this special day, but I can't, I dare not.

Maybe two years ago, I would, but things have changed. I have lost my hope, my expectation. Friendship is not mind to seek. It will always be a distance, so I may as well keep it at a distance. I dare not expect. When you want something so bad, the more disappointment it is when things doesn't come. All I wish now is that she will be happy.

I have been waiting for this day, and it has become past tense. Till next year come ...

So ... for the moment, I will listen to Pudar, as memory will fade in time. Of memory that this song I first heard from her blog.

Pudar ... fading ... just as my hope has faded.

Zana birthday

To dear Zana,

Glitter Graphics - GlitterLive.com

My leave is over ....

Alright, enough of trying to be creative, I am no Shakespeare. Blame it on two movies I saw that got to do with him haha.

Again, I didn't get to clubbing as I wanted. And my leave ended today. Sigh ... maybe I should have gone ahead going alone. What did I do for my leave? Just shopping and eating, just about the same as my normal working days. With the time going out all the time, I only did manage to sqeeze some cooking time the last two days. Two suppers and one breakfast. Nothing special though.

I was hoping I could do more during my leave. Didn't even step across the causeway to spend. But I suppose it is good for our economy that I spend more locally. Must support our country ya?

Her birthday is tomorrow. I think I am more excited than her. I have always been excited when someone's birthday is approaching, especially those who mean alot to me. Not just my Family, but even people who may not consider me as their friends. Their birthdays are important to me. Just like they are. I wish I can be there with them celebrating, but I know I can't. I do not belong to their circles of close friends and families. I can only be an outsider, but grateful if I am given a chance to pass a gift on their special day. At least I can do something to show I care.

How sad that a week past so quickly! I wish a week is 30days long even 365days, but 7days is all there is. haiz .....

Of holiday .... and Birthday

I do expect more for my break
It is a treat, my holidays
Away from work, and things I hate
To a leisure, pleasure, carefree days.

More shoppings and eating
If only something else will be
Hoping more to fill my days
But things are not up to me.

Often events are beyond our control
If only I can, if only they will
But I do not expect
My days for them to fill.

So shop I do, eat I do
Of set meals, and mini snack
My favourite, ice creams and chocs
So I told them, "I'll be back".

I am excited, maybe more than she
Always are, even if I'm not there
For it's dear to my heart, this things
Of friends, near yet far, so unfair!

So now till the day I wait
5 days more ... don't be late

w890i

My leave started today
Not leaving Sg, sad but oh well ...
May as well help the GSS
And not the sale across the causeway.
For they dont care much about us
with their banning of fuel to us.
Not than it matter to me
Because I dont drive.

I have added a new handset
Just as I am losing another.
Boohoohoo! sad for me
To have to let go, unable to hold.
Because everyone mobile I got
Is precious, not for the phone
But the usage, no matter how little
But still link me to the smses, my contacts.

Yet, lo and behold, my new
a w890i, a beauty to keep


Maybe a while, maybe longer
How precious will it be?
For now, it stays close to me
As it bridges the distance.
To those I not seen
Yet more than as if they have been.