Blog no more

I should have keep my mouth shut. Every time I make someone angry because I want to say more than I just a yes or no. Words can be so easily misunderstood, especially when there is no face to face opportunity to sort it out and explain. I should have learnt from my past mistakes. I should have been what I was before, kept quiet and not try to explain how I feel. Not that I gained any friend back then, but at least I will not make anyone angry. I don't want to make her angry. Or any of them.

I have so much I want to say to them. I started this blog so people I care can read how I feel and what I do. It is the only venue to do so as I don't get to be with them. To have the chance of spending the time with people I want to be with, those I consider my special friends, not just people I consider as casual or colleagues. There are many of those, but true friends are rare, and rarer for me. In fact I can't say I have any, if one consider friends as those you can contact when you want someone to confide or comfort you.

I blog so they can read. This blog is especially for those I listed in my heart2hearts list. Though I may not have told them, haha. Not that it will make the difference from the way I see it. But if anybody that I want to know about me, these are the people. Yet, recently, I doubt anyone, except for Blackcat13, read my postings. I guess I can't expect them to spare that little time to read here, who am I anyway but a headless nobody. I am disappointed, but I know they have other priorities. I may be interested in what they do, and I still will, but they are not me, and I can't expect them to bother about me as I would for them. This is the fact of human relationship. Not everyone sees things the way you do.

Though I want to tell people about me, it is as important for me to know what they are doing, through their blogs, if they have any. But it is not happening. I don't want to blog anymore since I am not doing what I want in the first place. I was hoping this blog will be the contact point for all of us. I had removed my tagboard as I got no tag and feedback. I think I will go back to being anonymous to everyone. Unless they want to find out about me.

I am already headless. I will be wordless as well. Yes, written words have been my favourite choice of communication. I have wanted to write down how I feel. I wanted to blog. I wanted true friends, because I have found people I care that meet my wish. But nothing have changed much since day one. Yes I have found many casual friends, online and in the real world. But true friends have still eluded me, friends who will spare more than a little time for me, just as I will for them. Maybe one day I can call someone that. Maybe not.

The other day, just after my operation, I told myself that if I had died, nobody will know about it, because they don't bother to sms me. Today my blog will die.

Thank you if you are reading this ... take care ....

Operation CGH - Aftermath

Aftermath
The numbness lasted till early in the morning. Finally I could feel my legs again, but the pain prevented me from moving comfortably. I was in real pain by now. It didn't help that I was feeling uncomfortable in bed.

I don't know how much sleep I had, it was on and off all the times. Since I was admitted, I may in bed longer than I was ever before, but I can't said I got a nice sleep throughout. It was something I will add to my memory.

The next time I noticed the time was about 8.35am. I was there for more than 24hours, and I had only a milo when I got up in the middle of the night, or maybe morning, but finally after 9am, I got my first food, chwee kueh. Of course, I finished every single bits. It may not be the best chwee kueh, it was cold, but to me, it was the best thing to touch my mouth. Before my operation, I had a dream in one of my so-called sleep, I dreamt of food coming to my mouth, but my mouth couldn't open. I couldn't eat. It was horrible! A nightmare!

I got so much time lying in bed, I often thought of the people I wanted so much to be there, but wasn't. I know that I can't expect others to make me happy. It is often said that one must be one's own happiness. I had different thinking, maybe it is time I review my wants and needs. Maybe I will still be the same after all these have settled in my brain haha.

I don't want to finish this posting without mentioning the CGH staff, the staff was very friendly, and I wouldn't have wanted anybody else to look after me. And look after me, most did very well. I was well look after in spite of the various hickcups.

This was the first time I had to go for an operation. But I know it may not be my last. Being human, my body will malfunction time and time again. Just a matter of time .....

Operation CGH - Cut and Open

Cut And Open
On the way, as I was being wheeled, I watched the ceiling went by, just as one would in movies. After corridors after corridors, I finally reached what seemed like my destination. I was told the patient before me had complication, so would take longer than anticipated. So, like it or not, I had to wait. And waited I did, and wait. It was cold, I had barely nothing on underneat the blanket. The nurse was kind enough to realise that I might be cold, so gave me extra blanket. Thank you, dear nurse.

It took longer that anyone anticipated, so I had to wait in what seemed like a holding room. Finally, it was time, and I was given the anestisia. I had chosen regional anestisia, which seemed like a funny choice as I was afraid of needle. Lucky I didn't get to see the needle, which probably would be huge. I felt the needle being jabbed into my spine. Then, it was a matter of waiting till the anestisia took effect. I could feel numbness soon, as slowly my lower part went to sleep. Then, it was completely numbed. I took a secret touch to my private organ, and I couldn't feel it.Sheesh, like it wasn't there, though I could feel it in my hand.

I was wheeled into the operating room. It looked like those I watched on TV, though it seemed more spartan. Think on TV, they stuffed all kind of machines to make it looked more sophisticated haha. Anyway, I was given something that knocked me out, that when I woke up they had already started operating on me. I could see with my blurry eyes something was happening, via the overhead cirular light thing like one always saw in TV or moives. Strange feeling, being right in the middle of an operation, and me being the one operated on. I couldn't hear what was being said either as they spoke in a low tone, unlike movies.

In just a little while, I was told it was all over. I wondered how long I was out. Well, at least I got to see partial operation being carried out. I was wheeled to a holding area where they monitered me, being taking me to my ward. My body was still numbed. It was a terrible feeling not able to move your legs, or felt anything. Remind me never to get paralyse. I don't ever want to be helpless. But I don't control Fate ...

Finally, it was all over. They had cut me open, did what they must 2 repair me. Now it is all up to my Destiny if the operation was successful.

Operation CGH - Admission

Admission
Was at CGH at 5mins to 8am, Early bird I was, but later came to realised that I was really, really early. Maybe they should have told me that I don't have to come at 8am. Think the nurse only told me it opened at 8am, but I may have mistaken it that I have to report at 8am. Sheeeesh!!

But in a way it was good I came early, came to realised that when they rescheduled me from Friday to Tuesday, they didn't changed my bed booking. I wasn't reserved any bed. Only through the good work of the receptionist, after several phone calls, and rescheduling of someone bed, was I alloted a bed. So, I was finally admitted.

Ward 1518, a nice 4bed room. I was told I couldn't keep my stuff as it was a temporary bed, so my wife had to take them away. I would have nothing with me. Oh I would be wearing their "uniform" of course, not stark naked, if anyone was thinking that I would be! Naughty mind! haha.

So when my wife left, I was practically alone and without any possesion I was so alone! My bed was next to the window, so most of the time I stared at the sky outside, nothing else to look. I watched as the sky turned from blue to cloudy, as the clouds changed from white to grey, to white again, then often greyish. In-between cloud watching, my mind turned to thoughts of people I knew. My family, and the various people I came to know recently. I guess it was a time of restrospecting. Of those I called friends.

I didn't have my watch with me, and I couldn't see any clock, well if there was any I couldn't see as I didn't have my specs as even that I couldn't keep. Visiting hours was 12 to 2pm so when some people came in to visit one of the patient, it was probably around noon. I was wondering, if I had told any of my friends, would they come if they could? I dared not ask anyone for I didn't want to be disappointed when nobody came. For I would be very looking forward to have a friend visiting me. I felt very lonely at that moment.

One by one, each patient was wheeled away, but I was still there. Think I was there seven hours at least. I was the last to leave the room. Think I heard it was 3.50pm somewhere during my journey to the operation room. And that is another story ...

Bond by friendship ...

I used to think if I keep sending smses to them, they will get use to me, maybe accept me into their circle .... and be a close friend eventually. After all these years, nothing has changed. Sometimes even worse, as they decided to ignore me.

I know one don't have to constantly keep in touch with those you treasure, but that is provided you are already part of their lives. That you are one of their close friends. But I am not. I can do it slowly, but do I have the time?

I watched the rerun of Angel and Buffy on cable again. It is still a wonderful series to me, for though its theme may be about vampire, it is also about friendship. Both the series had the lead characters, Angel and Buffy, with thier group of friends, who supported them morally and physically. I wish I have friends like them. What is life without friends? Yes, family is important, but if you gain true friends, they are more valuable if they stick with you through thicks and thins. For they don't have to as they are not bond by blood, but through their friendship with you.

Friendship is the hardest to keep, but so easily to lose. But the bond by friendship is a treasure one should never let go if one can help it.

The countdown for me continues .... so near yet so far.

My fate to loose

I keep quiet and I loose would-be friends. I tell them how I think I loose them too, if they don't accept what I tell them. Both ways, I loose.

Yes, I know what is privacy, it is as important to me as it is to her. All I want is to be kept in touch. As a friend should. Unless I am not that friend as I want myself to be.

It hurts me that I have made her angry, and the thought of losing her. Why must all those I care don't want anything to do with me? Why can't I have a close friend? I can only dream of one. But I don't want to dream anymore, as each time, the hurt gets worse, as more dreams get dash.

It is my fate ... haiz .... crying will not help, yet it is the only thing that I can do that will not affect the other person.

of butterflies that flew ...

It has been postponed, so now I got to wait a few more days. Haiz ... I wanna get it over with as soon as possible, but have no choice, still have to wait.

The longer I wait, the more I will feel it coming, and the more scared I will be. I feel scared, till I got the call, now I don't feel anything. But I know as the days approaches, I will feel the anxiety of the event. And I will feel the butterflies in my tummy ...

I wonder why people coined the phrase "butterflies in the tummy"? Maybe the person had a bad experience when some butterflies flew into his tummy, so he recalled the incident and used that phrase. Somebody liked it and it got passed around.

Yes, maybe that was it. Haha.

To Fast .. too furious

Okay, I know that fasting only for a short time is as good as not fasting at all. So, I got no merit for fasting this way. Sigh ...

I do want to fast, but I do feel frustrated that I do not have company when it is time to break the fast, unlike my colleagues who had others sitting together as they broke fast together. I know it is between God and me, but I can't help wanting friends with me when I break fast. Sigh ... again I lose merit with this thinking.

So ... maybe I have the wrong thinking, I don't deserve any merit even if I do a full fasting. I do want to share and experience what the muslim do, even though I may not be a muslim and do not embrace Islam. It all started when I wanted someone to be my close friend, and she is a muslim. I thought I would make a better friend if I can understand the malay. I read about the Prophet and I was awe by Him. I began to want to learn more about him, and about muslim. I bought more books. But the trouble with me was I couldn't sustain reading in long shot, so I read bits by bits, which resulted in me forgetting what I had read before. Haiz ... it was rather frustrating trying to recall what I had read before.

Anyway, I never get her to accept me. But I found someone I admire, the Prophet Muhammed, which got me thinking about fasting when Ramadan came. That was two years ago. I started fasting in a shorter timing, once a while I did longer. The second year was better, with me getting almost a full fast most of the time. But then, I know that I didn't do a real fast, so I shouldn't expect any merit from Him. It was more of a personal endeavour.

All the while, I was still hoping that she and I could one day be friend, so I could tell her what I did, because she had motivated me, because I wanted to be a real friend to her. And I am still waiting ....

I want to fast, this year as well, but I am not motivated. I don't do it for religion, only my personal effort. So having friends to share when I break my fast, it would have given me more encouragement. I know it is wrong. But I am not religious. I did the fast because it is Ramadan. I feel good when I accomplished the length. But this year, I am feeling the frustration of not having gain anything this past 4 years. I feel that fasting is as empty for me as trying to win any of their friendship. Just as I have given up my effort to win their friendship, I find myself giving up to learn more about Islam.

I know I still have the desire to fast, more than ever for myself, maybe that is why I fasted several hours on the first and second day. But I don't look for the merit of doing it, I only do it because I want to.

I don't know if I will do it tomorrow, or the next. I can only say that, I still respect Him. And hope I will be forgiven.

Time to fast ....

Happy Fasting, my Muslim friends!

I don't know, I want to, yet I don't want to. I don't feel like fasting this year. I still have admiration and respect for the Prophet. It is just that I don't have the reason for doing it now.

Haiz ..... I am confused, I don't know what I want anymore .....