4th Aug

Something happened the other day. First thing on my mind is to sms Nd. But I can't. I shouldn't. Haiz. She is still important to me as a friend I want to confide to. But I can't.

I got to work with her the yesterday ... finally. I feel she did a great job given the situation we had. And I messaged her. I know I shouldn't. Maybe she will think that I am trying to win her friendship or something. I just want to encourage her of doing a great job. We all need words of encouragement. Work can be stressful. I know. I didn't get any when I was an officer. And maybe that was why I gave it up. I had nobody to turn to and nobody encourage and support me.

Anyway, Nd has leadership quality, I can see that. I told her in my sms. Whether I make a mistake in smsing her, it doesn't matter. I do not need to win anybody friendship anymore. I tried to be uncaring and not helpful, but I fail. Yesterday I showed my helpfulness again. WTH! I can't even be a bad guy. I hate being caring.

But if I help somebody, it is because I want to. And not that I want to win their friendship. I have tried to find friends the last two years, having find a few. I am not trying anymore. People don't care about how I feel. But why should they anyway?

I know I have written this before. Time and time again, I feel like not to blog anymore. There is so much I want to blog about but I am not doing so. Lately I began to write more about them again. I am hurting inside. I need my friends. But I don't have them. I don't know. I am confused. My life is so upsidedown. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't want to open my feeling to anybody. Nobody want a man who is so emo. Yes, I am emo. I don't want to be like this. But feeling is not easy to control.

Su's birthday is over. I never get to see her. I never get to wish her personally ...

I am drained. I am tired. I wish I don't have to be me ....