I am not that lucky

She has a male friend, they are quite close. I let them meet up, go shopping, have lunches together. I do not mind. That is the meaning of having a friend. Friendship isn't about which sex the other party is, just who that person is.

I can only envy them.

If only I can have the same. But I do not have the privilege of getting to spend time with them.

I am not that lucky.

CNY

Sometimes I do hate holidays, because it reminded me how friendless I am. People will go visiting and being visited. I have none. This CNY I happened to have offdays, but what is the use of having that? Yes I have my family, I love being with thme, but it had been the same year after year. A brief stay at my parent's place, then go home, for the family, me off to work if I work afternoon. This year, I came home. It would have been nice if I had friends. If ......

I rather be working, for maybe I can get lucky and get to have certain colleagues to spend time with. Or I can still be unlucky, and find myself feeling lonely at work ....

one step at a time

Join their practice session as I was free, I joined the guys to learn some malay dance steps, was easy, and I could have learnt the whole song if not for the new dancers who were slow. But made no difference, as I probably will forget the whole dance when I next come, which will be irregular due to my shift ....

If only I can perform a malay dance, I didnt get to do it last time. It would be nice. Afterall that was why I joined the group in the first place. But I suppose another reason make me come back. I enjoy being with the group, even if I don't participate in everything they do. I want to be belong, feel wanted, part of the gang. I don't know ... will I ever be able to?

Like learning their dance, I have to take it one step at a time ... even if I want to do it faster. I have no control of what others want ... I don't even have control of what I want ..... haiz ...

2009

Yes it is already a week into 2009. This is my first entry of the year. I just want to blog my feeling ... of friends who were close to my heart in 2008.

I can't say 2008 is a bad year, neither can I say it is good. Perhaps there is never a perfectly good year. We can accept whatever happened, and pray for a better year the next time.

I didn't achieve much in 2008. I am disappointed but I accepted the fact that I failed. I didn't get my close friend, especially Nd. It isn't important, her happiness is, and I can only hope she is and will be. All these years I wasn't able to be close to her, partly because without being able to work with her or meet up. there is no way for her to want to feel close to me.

The same goes for adik. As for S, I can only hope she will smile when she sees me. N,S and adik, the three of them has always been on my mind all these years. But I don't see any hope ....

I didn't gain the friendship I wanted from Avocado, I can only wish her well. She is still important to me. I did gain a "friend", someone online too who I feel "close" ... or at least she is to me. I need someone to be in touch with, and she was there, at least part of the time. I wish we can be closer, but I have learnt not to expect more than I should. I am glad that I am able to chat with her on msn, and the occasional smses. Thank you, blackcat13.

Then there were also Hitchic, Tragedic and Jas, they were all part of my life while I struggle with my insanity. It is not over yet for me, but I get through it. Perhaps there was always someone, at least one of them helping me with their messages via sms or msn. Will I handle it as well if none of them was there? I don't know. I don't want to find out, but ....

At work, I am glad that of the occasional companionship I get from some, especially a few that I really like. I felt sad that I had to lose my shiftmate F, just like those before her, but I am lucky I got another nice shiftmate. Like those before, I will take care of her as well.

What will 2009 bring for me? I dare not ask or expect ....