Crying

Watched "Fire with Fire" on cable on Saturday, about a young guy in prison who met a student by chance. When the both of them touched, first two palms touching, then the fingers wrapped each other, I felt their love, and I couldn't help the tears swelling in my eyes. As again in several scenes.

Caught a rerun of Smallville too, and again I cried. It seemed I did it too often the last couple of days. Again yesterday when I watched Heroes, season 2. I felt as if I was there, was part of the shows. Heroes, Angel, Buffy, Smallville, Tru Calling etc etc many of the tv series are no longer showing. But these shows make me cried and laugh. I wrote about it in my Moblog days about some of the shows.


Crying to myself seems my only option nowaday. Whether watching movie/tv or my own situation. As when I thought of my lost, my guinea pig. As well as someone, no, especially someone that matter so much but I will never get to see her again now she is no longer working here. I cried. The realisation that she will be gone from my life, no matter that I may still have her contact number. But what good will that be, when we can never meet. I didn't even get to see her on her last day. I wanted to get a last chance to spend time with her, but was too chickened to ask her, fearing that she may not have the time, and I would be too disappointed. Now I will never get that chance. Yesterday, as my mind wandered, I wanted to sms her, I needed someone to chat, but I didn't. What good will it do? She was never keen on sms chat with me. She wasn't two days back when I messaged her. I don't want to be disappointed again. I can only cried.


A grown man cry. I am emotional, I know, but have grown more emotional lately. sheesh ... I ought to shoot myself .......... but not now ....

Right now, I just want to cry ......

Tokyo 2008 Part2

What better way than to enjoy the 12degree or so coldness of the street than eating ice-cream.



Breakfast at Sunlite. Too bad not buffet style.

We went to Akihabara and Shibuya. I can still remember Akihabara on my first trip, and going to Yoshinoya to eat their beef rice. I brought them to eat at the place this time.








This is the gadget that Japan is famous for, this is on the arm of the toilet bowl, ladies, it can spray water to clean your ... er, you know what, front and back. Good for the guys too. So convenient.


One of the many vending machines available, from cigarettes to drinks



Inside Narita Express train to the airport.




I didn't go to any shrine or museum or cultural sites. But I didn't go there for that. I am more interested in Tokyo, as a shopping and eating places. I didn't get to shop much as the prices are usually more than what I can get in Sg. But I did get to sample some nice food. You can find a basement of stalls selling all kinds of food, like what we see here in Sg at Takashimaya basement. Stalls and stalls selling sushi, bread, delicacies, fried meat, bun etc etc. So tempting.

And then, there are side lanes selling noodles and rice, like this small outlet. The noodle soup was so good. And it was the cheapest place to get a bowl of noodle.


I will always remember the sight, smell and taste of Tokyo. I hope to go back again in a few years time. Or maybe next year? haha. Haiz ... must save up first ....

Tokyo 2008 Part1

My first time to Tokyo was in November 2005, a reconnaissance trip, to check out the area before I bring my family over. I used my free ticket, reaching Tokyo in the morning, spent a day day, and left in the evening. First time I travelled to a country and spent only a day haha.

Brought my family in March 2006, it was nice though the trip from the hotel to main city was long, and expensive. We stayed at the airport vicinity.

March 2008, we are back to Tokyo for another holiday. This time, we flied on ANA, which we almost couldn't get a ticket. It was very stressful planning the trip, but eventually everything was settled. But it was costly, not being able to buy a package. What I paid for tickets and hotel, a package would have cost less with more incentive included.

It was the first time I took ANA, and the service is as good if not better than SIA. They only lacked English otherwise I am sure more people would have given it more praise, and maybe outshone SIA when it comes to gaining award. As usual I enjoyed the meal on board, mine and those that the kids don't eat haha. But the entertainment console lagged behind to those available on SIA.

Finally, we landed in Tokyo,Japan.


Our first night was at Narita Port Hotel, at airport vicinity.

The next day, it was off to the main city where we were to stay for the next few
days. We took the coach, instead of the rail.

Finally, we reached Shinjuku. Took a cab to our hotel, the driver didn't know the location of the hotel, depended on his GPS in his taxi. Our hotel, Sunlite Hotel, is a small one, compared to the Port Hotel, this was indeed a downgrade of our hotel. And the room even smaller.

After dropping our stuffs in the hotel, went to Shinjuku Station to check it out. It is about 10-15mins walk. The weather was cooling, about 10-17 degree while we were there.







It is nice to be in Tokyo during this time, but after two days, I can feel my lips drying up, and worried it may cracked. But luckily, it didn't.


To be continue .....

Flip this and that

Everyone knows how great the handphones in Japan are. While in Tokyo, again I saw for myself the range of handphones, and how I was overwhelmed with jealousy. I want one of theirs. Saw this two among the many that I like:

Got tv tuner. This flip opens like the one Andie used in Step Up2. I like!






This one got tv tuner too, and the screen rotate 90%. so cool! I like!


But too bad these phones can't be used in Sg. *sigh* I almost bought one of the simpler one, and cheaper, which was just as attractive. Maybe I should have and kept it as a souvenir hahaha.

So when this flip phone came out over the weekend, I can't help myself but buy it
SE Z770i. It may not be as cool as those I saw in Tokyo, but hey, I always had wanted a flip phone, now finally I have one. I should be satisfied ... should be .. for the time being haha.

Blame my latest handphone buy on my Japan trip lah, it stirred up my craze again hehe.

Prelude to Tokyo

I am already missing her. The workplace feels empty when there is nothing to expect. haiz ...

I want to blog about my trip. It had been a frustrating and stressful weeks before, during and after the trip. I don't know if it had comfort me. But I suppose I do not regret making the trip to Tokyo. I will try to put a better report in my next posting.

Tokyo is not my first time there, but I am still impressed by things over there. For one, I can never get over the salutation of the service there. Even if they may not be genuine, the impression one gets of being greeted was heartwarming. They welcomed you, thanked you, and said goodbye with many syllables, that even as I don't understand what they were saying, I felt that I was welcomed there. And the numerous bow one gets, make me humble too. Even when at the toilet, as I gave way to an elderly man, he bowed to say thanks. You don't get that here.

As usual, the keep to the left rule on the escalator was strictly enforced without anyone telling them to. If one sees someone standing side by side, he is a foreigner. And a few times I suspected being Singaporean by the sound of their voices. I am sad being associated with the same citizenship. Back home, one often finds them blocking everywhere, seldom giving way even when noticing me trying to pass them. Such disappointment.

Closer to my jobwise, I noticed a gesture that showed their politeness in handling customers. Instead of shouting as what is done here, I can see the staff approaching the passengers and bringing them to the counter. Throughout my trip, I can see act of courtesy by the service staff everywhere. I was following their head bowing after a day there too haha.

As a whole, the trip does help me ... in a way.

I had messaged her about my trip before I left. As I did before in the past. As I will in the future, though I will most unlikely able to from now on. I know I will think of her when I need to share, whether happy or sad stuff, but I will have to keep to myself from now on. I don't want to show I am a weakling, even if I am.

I need help. But I am not getting any. I shouldn't expect anymore. Life is unfair, but it is reality. It is good to have expectation, when there is sign of hope. I had tried these four/five years, but failed. Friendship can't be forced or impose upon, it is a two-way relationship. Hope is all bullshit in my case.

Yes I am angry, frustrated. I am drained of any hope for a fruitful relationship with those I cared about. And I had found them. What I wanted was simple, a close friend. With a family and a close friend, my life will be complete. Friendship has been very important to me. For a while it looked promising, but it don't like it nowaday. Everyone is keeping their distances. I depended on my handphone to keep in touch with them, but people don't seem to know that I have a handphone (well, I have several in reality, all with lines, but it is meaningless when it is so silent). I am not blaming anyone, how can I, when I still care for them. If anything, my poor fate is to blame. So, I may as well give up all hope.

This blog has been battered with my frustrations. I know it is annoying to read about, I am just posting as a diary for myself. Sorry, everyone. I will post about my trip on my next update, as I originally wanted to before I was sidetracked with emotion. Hopefully I can upload all my photos to friendster, got problems lately as couldn't upload my photos there. But I will blog about the trip as I want a memory of it.

Enuff said ...

Happy Easter, everyone!

Male plus Female equal to zero

I should be blogging about my trip, I want to, but I guess not today. Maybe my next posting ...

There was an article in Mind Your Body, a supplementary copy from the Straits Times, which caught my attention. I seldom read this supplement, but this week, there was a topic on opposite-sex friendship. The writer brought out points why usually it would not work out between a male-female relationship. I can't say I agree or disagree. I know the situation. It is hard even if is possible, as there will always be gossip from outsiders. True, and there are consequences. The writer admited it. The writer also touched on prevention to keep the situation in control.

It seem almost impossible for a male-female close friendship to last as would a male-male or female-female. Society is not helping with their suspicious and gossipy attitude. Friendship is from the heart. So what if there is some feeling attached. Feeling is what bind two people together. Marriage is consumption of friendship with sex fulfilling the passion. But two people don't need sex to bind and be intimate in relationship. That is what people called Friendship, one can say it is a marriage without the sex part haha.

It is always nice to see two males or two females bind with each other. Everyone will applause when they see such binding. One often sees it in movies, but in real life, it happens too, only that you don't get to see the dramas attached. But it is still there. In the movies, if it is a male-female, the plot will always have them falling in love and get married. As for real life scenario, I don't know, if there are any, the couple probably do it secretly else society will gossip. That is sad. Otherwise, we can see more such relationship in the open.

I know it is possible for a man to have platonic friendship with a female. I have felt it before. All I ask of them is their friendship. To be my close friend, my dear's friend, a family's friend. And her family will be my family too. Two families will be like one, as each supporting each other.

Friendship. True and close friendship. It is hard to have, when even the other party is not willing to give friendship a chance. Because of fear.

So in reality, opposite-sex friendship exists only in dreams!

That is sad ...

Society is imperfect and yet expects other to be perfect. Go fly kite lah!

Time and lost time

Today is Suhada's Birthday, Happy Birthday dear, may you have a wonderful birthday!

Losing people that I care about makes me ponder about friendship. Why do I bother so much about wanting a close friend? Eventually they will go their own way, forgetting about me. Not that I will truly gain their trust in wanting me as their close friend in the first place. They will not look for me if they need someone to confide. They have their other female friends, which probably they will feel closer with. I am willing but it is only a wish that will stay a wish. Even adik doesn't want to share with me her problems.

As long as people don't believe male/female can be close friends, really close platonic friendship, my dream will never come true. Not that I purposely go out and find any girl to ask if she want to be my close friend. And not everyone that I want as my friend I will share. Though I like adik and treat her like a daughter, I don't feel the need to want to confide with her. All I want is to help her with whatever I can .. if she allows me. I wrote about her in moblog long time ago when I started blogging, that wish still hasn't changed.

sometimes, someone will come into your life, and you feel comfortable with them, telling them about yourself that you will not talk about with others. I had felt that. Besides Christine, the only two other colleagues I was willing to share with was Su and then Nd. But all three wasn't willing to be my close friend. I still care for them, and still will even if we are not colleagues. That is being silly I know, not wanting to let go. But I suppose I need the dream, even if it will never come true. I want to feel wanted by them. All I can wish for is to be able to be of help if they ever need help or just be a listening ear. When you care for someone so much, it doesn't matter if they don't care about you. All that matter is that you can show your care for them.

In the beginning I had hope that having them as my friends, they can be my dear friends as well, as back then, she don't have any friend. They will be a family friends. Christine got along fine with my dear. Till she suddenly just decided not to be my friend. Both me and my dear lost. At least now my dear has friends from the gym. I am still without any. Colleagues yes, they exist only at workplace. I don't get to join them when they organise outside appointments. *sigh* I do feel disappointed, even during work whenever I see them making arrangement to meet up but not include me. But I am living with that. They don't see me as friends, just mere colleague. And colleagues don't have to hang around each other.

Soon, I will be losing Nd, just two days more. I didn't get much chance to work with her or the other, so they can't feel the closeness that one gets when working with someone all the time. I am not surprised I can't gain the friendship I wish from them. And without that chance of doing things together, I do not expect that things will be better in the future.

I am drained, frustration is so tiring. I want to close up my feeling but it isn't easy when I have someone in mind to tell it to. And yet can't. I don't want to, I told Nd when I accidentally spilled my problems to her. She always came to mind when I need to offload my thought, but I shouldn't. The way things are, all I want is to be there for her, no need for her to be there for me anymore. I am the one who sees her as a close friend.tha

She makes me tears 3 times in such a short time. When she gave me a christmas gift, then when she told me she is resigning. When I finally saw her name that she is finishing her contract from the amendment, thought I already knew it, I couldn't help stop the tears in my eyes. I am losing her ... really.

I do not wish to have someone close anymore, even if I am to find one again. Damn any feeling that I may feel towards someone. I don't want any expectation ... and ultimately disappointment, for it is always so. Yes, I did find closeness with someone before, but always it was so short a span before that person stopped. And I lost that contact with her. But before Christine about 5 years ago, I had never shared my feeling, she was the first that I found that I wanted to share and confide. And in the end, I found blogging as a release of my frustration.

Time and time again, I want to stop blogging as well. Maybe I should. Without the feeling of wanting to share, maybe I will be fine .... insanity is not a disease afterall.

Time is suppose to heal, but I don't want to heal. I want back my lost time.


I know a man is not suppose to cry, it is not macho .... but I can do nothing else, but to cry ....

Choco no more

My guinea pig has died.

I can't hear Choco asking for food anymore, making his whining but yet adorable sound. He was the one who would welcome me when I came back from work. He would know that I was back long before anyone in the house would. He knew somehow.

The worst part of his death was that I wasn't around when he died. I was busy having a good time. I was angry. I have told them not to overfeed Choco while we were away. Guinea pig don't need much food or water. Still they did it. I came back to see a whole bunch of veggie and his bottle was half filled, he probably drank the other half for knowing them, they would fill right to the top.

But I know they don't mean for him to die. If anyone is to be blamed, it should be me, for I wasn't there for him. Not even till the day he died.

In moblog, I refer him as the One who waits for me. Now I have no one to wait for me. I need to feel wanted. Choco made me feel wanted. Except for my family, I have nobody who wants me.

I wanted to cry, but no tear was shed. I don't know. Why do I loose those I care?

Whether they go away or just stop contacting me, it is still the same, I loose those I want to be around. And someone is leaving soon ... another person who will disappear from my life ...

Especially for Blackcat13

I missed the actual day, but I do want to wish Blackcat13 ....

Being Me

I am not being hardworking. I am just helping others as I will like others to help me. I know the feeling of being helpless, of not knowing what to do, as often I don't have others to help me. I treat others as I will like them to treat me.

I am not expecting anything in return.

I am just being me.


***************************************

I am feeling stressed. Haiz .....

Losing my hope ...

Often I could see others keeping touch, arranging to meet up even though the other person is not around. Close friends can often be seen together, when one is busy, the other will hang around till she is free. Even staying back to wait for her friend. I will do it for my close friend too. But I can only dream of this. For my dream is broken now. Someone who could have helped me will not be around.

Nd smsed me that she is resigning. I fear this day, more so since I wasn't able to have her accept me as a close friend, hoping that in time, if we get more chance 2 spend time together, maybe I could. Now that she will be leaving, there will be no more chance for me to spend time with her. I couldn't do things for her, as a friend should, as what I like very much to do. Why do people I like so much to be around, can't be? One by one just disappear from my life. Nd will be too.

Even though I have decided not to expect to find close friend anymore, Nd will always be a close and special friend to me. Someone I will always be willing to help.

Yesterday, Nd makes me teary, twice within a month. I am sad, but I will wish her well. I guess that is the only thing I can do. I will be a speck in her life, but she has been a strength and hope in mine. Just too bad it didn't happen .... but the memory will remain in my heart, of a person who could have been my close friend.

A close friend is someone that one is willing to confide and share, one that is a comfort being around with. A close friend is someone who will always be around whether one is happy or sad. I was willing to be that close friend.