Photobucket

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Suhaili's Birthday

I will not be able to celebrate her birthday with her, like the others, as usual. I want to, but I know I can't as she will not want me to. But I will be with her on her special day, if only in my heart. To me, she will always be my good friend. Even if she don't wish me to be hers. I hope she will have a good birthday celebration with her friends and family.

Happy Birthday Suhaili!

May God watches over you.

Dance movie that inspire and Work that don't

Saw Staying Alive ... again, well part of it on Star Movie anyway. Had been a long time since I last saw it, seen it a few times back then. It is one of those inspiring movies on dance. It had given me motivation to continue dancing. Time and time again, whenever I watched one of those dance movies, I was inspired to continue my dancing, that dancing is what I love to do. Even now. Sometimes I feel like I had given it up too early ... that I should have still stay in this line. I don't know. Maybe I couldn't survive, but at least I would be happy doing what I love.

I don't enjoy doing what I am now. Maybe I did before but I don't feel the job nowaday .. not anymore. Think it was about a year ago. That was why it was important that I need their friendship. There is nobody here that will want me to look forward to coming to work to. If one don't enjoy one's work, at least if there are friends, there is something to look forward to. I got nothing. Yes, I do look forward to seeing some of them, but it will be just that, see them. If they don't let me be part of them, fine with me. I don't care that anymore. I am not looking for friends anymore. Colleagues okay, if they allow me to, not friends. Even to those special few, I don't want to confide my feeling or thoughts to them anymore. What I feel or thought, it will stay within me. Maybe I will blog some of those, when I feel like doing so.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````
danceal is sad, danceal is lonely. danceal got problem. But this is danceal problem. Everybody has their own problems. danceal is willing to make their problem danceal problem. danceal is willing to help them if they need it. But danceal will not ask them to help danceal. They didn't want to help so danceal will not ask anymore.

danceal is done!

Monday, July 30, 2007

30th July

Yesterday I was late for work. Twenty minutes. All because I went shopping in the morning. Metro at Tampines, again, which was having 80% off on most items due to it closing down. I like Metro. Used to visit it almost every week because I was working nearby. Hey, I worked there once, but left volunteerly due they didn't want to confirm me. Why should I put in my effort when they didn't appreciate me? Haha, well, I didn't really put in much effort at that time.

I have always enjoy being in the Kitchen section of a department store, like Isetan, Metro. I like Robinsons best. But I haven't been there lately though. It has good kitchen appliance section. All those shiny pots and pans and accessories, wow! So nice to see them on display. But they are pretty expensive there. If only I have the money, I will buy them and display in my kitchen, and use them when I do my cooking as well of course hehe. Only thing is, if I may do buy, I may want to buy a new house and have all the rooms turn into my kitchen! I will have the most humongous kitchen in Singapore!

I saw Nd yesterday. In my heart I was happy, but didn't want to sms her.It is so easy just to pickup the handphone and sms her. I wanted so much to. Though I did send a goodnite sms. I know I shouldn't. I still feel the urge to confide to her. Both she and Su. But I can't. Though there will be others, somehow, I will still feel the need to want to confide to Nd or Su, but I know it is something I can never will as they do not want me to. I don't blame them for not wanting to, afterall who am I to them? They are moving on with their lives, but I guess I am still stuck in my dream of wanting them to be my good friends.

But it is this dream perhaps that prevent me from going insane. And my online friends. I may have my family, but it is not enough. I know I am not living realisticly, some perhaps will advise me to give up. But for now, they are all I have. I have no confidence in the real world. I have failed too many times that it is not worth looking for something that may be impossible. Where can you find a world that accept male-female platonic relationship? Society don't accept it, even if those I care for may be willing to give it a try.

I am sentimental. I choose friends based on my feeling. They are good people, just that I was not meant to be their friend. I just hope that I am strong enough this time to be on my own.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Like and Don't like to see ...

What I don't like to see (at random order):
1) People standing side by side on escalator or pathway. I always stand behind
or in front of my partner so others can move forward,
2) Football
3) People talking badly about others when they are no better.
4) Friends gathering together
5) Lovers breaking up
6) Friends breaking up
7) Food leftover, I mean really alot
8) Bully
9) Tears from those I care
10) Football. Oops I mentioned it, but nevermind, will include again haha

What I like to see (at random order):
1) Second season of Heroes
2) Nature at its worse
3) Nature at its best
4) Friends gathering together (well, I do, most of the times.)
5) Rozanah finding happiness again
6) Dancers doing their stuff
7) Dayang Nurfaizah in person
8) World peace (I want to be Mr World 2007 ... maybe 2008 also can?)
9) Desserts at buffet table
10) Saturday Straits Times, coz has plenty of advertisements of sales, especially handphones

Only listed ten though I can think of more when I am at my solitude. Which is happening more often nowaday.

So .. why am I doing a list? Don't know, haha! Just blogging randomly.

Friday, July 27, 2007

The Young and Restless

Somebody left me in thought about parent/child communication. Or rather lack of communication.

Youth in general do not tell their parents about their private lives, especially boyfriend/girlfriend. Sometimes due to their parents wanting them to concentrate on their studies and such. I can understand their fear. I suppose the parents are to be blamed for any miscommunication or lack of it they create between them and their kids.

I will want my kids to tell me if they have a new boyfriend. Not that I want to control them but just wanting to be updated. Afterall, I care for them. I feel it is better for the parent to guide their kids. Sometimes they may want a listening ear, and if they have your approval, they may approach you if they encounter any problem. I want to be there for them in their times of need.

I know that wanting to be updated can be misinterpreted to mean to control. It happens among friends too. I will always respect others privacy. I just hope that the people I care, whether family or friends, will see that I all I want is to know what is happening. To be updated on their lives don't have to mean wanting to control their lives. It helps me to know them better. And helps me to care for them.

Life is complicated. It don't have to be, if only everyone is given a chance to be understood. Sometimes one's action only serve to be misinterpreted by others. And misunderstanding leads to breakdown and breakup. A pity!

Pity and sad!!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

25th July

Read an article in the newspaper, about this lady who was comfortable with her gay friends for she found them more easy to relate to her emotions and such. If only I had known her, perhaps she could confide with me too, though I may not be gay. But sometimes I wish I was, haha, as then my female colleagues can be more willing to confide with me.

I wish I can stop buying things, but seeing how ridiculously cheap some things are, I couldn't stop myself from buying. Yesterday I got for myself a digital camera, finally. It wasn't very very cheap, but for what I am getting for, the price seems reasonable. It is a Panasonic Lumix DMC-TZ1. I have not test it yet, but will find the time to test the camera the few days .. I hope.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Isn't this a beauty?

I bought a baju kurung though you may ask why I need one haha. Okay, it was on sale at a good price, $8 down from $29.90 as stated in the price tag. What is more interesting is that when the cashier scanned it, I got the baju at $5.90 haha. If that is not a bargain, I don't know what is hehe.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Me relaxing in the baju to take a snapshot. It is comfortable to wear.

Also bought a polo shirt .. lady's design. Hey, just because I mention gay earlier don't mean I am one. I like the lady's version better, more stylist. I look better in the cutting haha.

I wanted to go clubbing or a movie yesterday, but my partner wasn't interested, so didn't do any. I have no choice, unless I do it alone, got nobody to ask.

My social life isn't up to me, just whatever others want. So be it!

Monday, July 23, 2007

My Handphone

This is my collection of handphones, though the older models are not working. Still kept them haha.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
My new handphone SE660i is not in the photo. Mostly using the N6110i. I am glad that I got this phone. My handphone is only good for the mp3 function and the occasional photo taking. And the internet surfing. Without anyone to sms or call, the handphone is practically silence.

So why am I still constantly changing to a newer model? I guess I enjoy new toy. So the N6110i is a good toy to have. With nobody to sms, I just switched on the GPS and watched the journey on my handpone as the bus went from point A to point B. Used to sms to them, but they don't want to sms me anymore. I consider myself lucky when I do get any reply. Now, there is one person less to sms. Though I had cut down the smses to them, I still need to sms. So it really hurts me that she didn't want me to sms at all, especially as she was the one that I started to open up, using sms to communicate. Sms is a convenient way for me to express myself to people I care, and keeping in touch. But alas, it seems they are not interested in keeping in touch with me.

Time and time again, the thought of closing myself came to mind. Now, I felt like doing so again, stop blogging as I don't want to open up my feeling. As long as I want to share my feeling and thoughts, I will want a close friend. I don't know what to do. Maybe I will avoid blogging about my personal feeling, telling myself that nobody want to hear anyway. I want to be cold, unfriendly. Maybe then, I will not get hurt easily if nobody wants me. Maybe then I can stand on my own again, be a loner once again.

I have nice handphone but have no use for a handphone actually. I can always use an MP3 player or a PDA, which by the way I do have both haha. Even now I am eyeing the new SE 850i 5megapixel cybershot. Crazy, ain't I? Maybe I am crazy.

Crazy enough that it is better that nobody be my friend, as they are better off without me ... or they will suffer under my insanity.

If my handphone is going to be silent, then, I will be silent too!

Enough said!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

21st July

Happy Birthday Yulianah!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Her sms killed all hope

I have tried so hard this one year or so, hoping they will accept me. Her sms killed all hope. I have tried to be a better person everytime they reprimand me, learning to be more tolerant. I was optimistic again after my last setback. But now, what is there to be optimistic? Friends are everything to me, especially them. But they do not want to give me that chance. I had given the world a chance, but after this, why should I give the world a chance?

I didn't get my chance. They didn't want to try to understand.

My friendship didn't mean anything to them!


It hurts ...

Why?

Why can't she try to understand?

I need her help as much as I want to give what I can to help her. None of them want to understand.

Why has it to be this way?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Pregnancy

There was this report where the lady died while giving birth to a twin. It was such a tragedy, when one should be celebrating but instead death has struck. Sometimes I can't help blaming us guys for putting the lives of our loved ones in danger.

She will be the one who will suffer during the gestation period, carrying the baby inside her, putting up with all the stuffs, like morning sickness, swollen belly and body. It is not easy being pregnant. I can't imagine how it is like, nobody can unless having gone through it herself. But it is no childplay.

All this because of us guys wanting to have sex with them. Because of our sex drive, we are putting our partners in danger. Yes, it is not everyday that someone die while giving birth, but the danger is still there. This recent case shows that.

Our lives is always fill with uncertainties. Pregnancy is part of the uncertainties in the equation male-female relationship. A guy can only, no, it should be always, love the girl he has sex with, for she is the one who will carry part of him in her.

Gals are not toys or plaything, somebody you want to have fun with when you like it. There is a life at stake.

--------------------------------------------

I wonder how Suhaili is coping with her pregnancy. I want to ask her, but I probably will not get much answer from her, just "fine" maybe. Even though she don't want to be my friend, I still care for her. Like a real sister, I can't just drop my feeling by saying so. Don't ask me why, I can't answer. I know I will still think about how she is doing, long after I may not see her again.

Just like I had care for Serena. Even though it had been a long time, more than 20years, maybe? Not seeing or hearing from her doesn't mean I will care any less. It only makes me feel more frustrated not able to know what is happening.

Life is short. Why can't I have the friendship from those I care so much for?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

17th July

Sunday was a little time of tidying the house. Well, really a little, as didn't feel like doing it after a little shuffle of things haha. Did a little cooking as well. Here a sample of the penne I cook
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Money coming in always doesn't seem to be enough. Seem like it is always more going out. Haiz. If only money can grow on tree, I want to get one.

I really don't like chinese. I am not against chinese, but just not working and talking in chinese. Hey, I haven't watch any chinese drama serials or listen to chinese songs for a long long time. Maybe a year? I can't remember when was the last time. I didn't even listen to chinese new year songs this year, accept for the occasional blast of the songs from shopping malls.

The last year or so is mostly malay songs whenever I play my mp3. Usually Dayang, I like her songs.

I must try to save up some money, but haiz ... sometimes I think I shop to compensate my emptiness of friendship, not able to spend time with them. Or maybe simply I love shopping. I don't know ....

Saturday, July 14, 2007

New handphones for me?

So I did it, called me crazy, mad, silly, whatever ...
especially having just got myself a Nokia Navigator ... but I have bought SE660i haha
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I just can't resist this red phone, especially the back design.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Lovely isn't it?

Okay, got my new phone, correction, new phones haha. But I have my eyes on this two coming model hehe.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket SE K850i, a cyber-shot phone.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket SE W960i, a sleek walkman phone with 8GB memory. And a touchscreen too.

So many option .. now, if only have so many money to spend as well haha. I am broke!!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Friday 13th July

Okay, it almost didn't get to a good start. My alarm rang but I swithced it off and fell asleep again. Lucky I made it more than the time I needed, so even though it was half an hour later when I finally woke up, I would not be late. Or so I thought. I was later than usual when I went to wait for my transport. Waited a while, still no sign of my bus, thought maybe I had missed it. Lucky it came just as I was about to stop a cab.

I don't want to talk about the bad things that happened, I want to make this a great Friday 13th. Well, at least to remember the nice things on this day.

Saw the three of them, though they never talk to me, but it didn't matter. I don't expect them to anyway. I felt warm just being able to see them. It means that they are okay. I hope.

Was suppose to OT, but I didn't want to. I managed to avoid doing, why should I please them,when I wasn't even given my meal allowance for the day. All I want is to go home. I was hungry, as usual, got nobody to go with, so didn't go to the canteen.

And home is where my doughnut is waiting ... yummy!!
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Had bought this the night before at Carrefour, one for one box. So I could eat it today after work.

Will not be going to club tonight as I originally plan to, but as she prefers to watch a movie, so it shall be.

The new SE 660i is beautiful .. it is a limited edition I was told.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I wish I can buy it. But I just bought a new nokia6110 and a SE800i. How to buy now? Will put a stress on my pocket if add any installment plan to those I already am on. Haiz. I want this 660i ...

Oh well ... maybe will one day haha

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Education

The education system here may not be everyone's favourite, but any system has its flaws or praises. Maybe some may find it to their advantage while some may fine it a hindrance to their development. Our way of education is not perfect. But neither is other countries too. It may look good when you are not part of it, but it is different when you are pursuing your education there. There is no perfect education system anywhere. That is what I think.

Yes, what we learn in school may not be beneficial in the real world. But at that point in time, do we know what will be our future in one, two or three years time? We can only hope that what we learn in school will help us somehow. For the moment, we can only pursue the paper qualification that is needed to get a head start to our career. The employer-to-be can only picture us with the paper we produce to them.

Yes, that piece of paper may not be of any use. But at least think of it as an achievement you have done. Unless you buy that piece of paper from some online site haha. There are degrees and even higher, qualified people who gave up their positions to do lesser qualified jobs, and there are people who don't have any papers but yet doing well in higher posts. The future is unknown. Do you want to sacrifice education, attaining what you can achieve, just because you think the subjects you are learning at such and such institute of education is not important?

I can't remember much of my younger days. I know I was lucky that I passed my "O" level, because I never really did much studying at that time. It was still TV and movies for me, even during exam period hehe. I went to poly but my luck ran out on my first year. So I missed out on getting a diploma. At that time, I didn't think it would be useful. And so I went from one job to another, not knowing what I wanted, just as long as it paid money. None of them really satisfied me. Till I learnt dancing.

And so began my career in dancing, that spanned over 10 years. I still dream of dancing to this day. But I had to give it up, as I wasn't a great dancer and a mediacre dancer can't make money. So I landed a job, which was fine till I find I feel empty inside. Without friends and a satisfying job, I daydream.

Yes, what I had learnt in school wasn't much use in the real world. But some basic things do apply now and then. Maybe if I had stayed in poly, then found out I love dancing, my diploma would have gone to waste. Yet maybe not as my path may follow a different route. What we have not done, we can't say that we will not do.

So, never think what we are learning will not be useful. Education is part of our lives, and we are continuously learning daily without learning.

Go study the highest you can, if you have the money. And while you are still young. Don't put it off, thinking you can do it later. Not everyone can have the mindset to study once they have stopped for one reason or another.

Be thankful that you can get into polytechic or university. There are more who can't. Even though you may not be studying what you really want to, do the best you can. Who knows, maybe you may learn to like it in a few months time.

Let us hope that any future changes in education system will be to more people liking.

11 July

Yesterday we had dinner at CA, and ordered their 1 for 1 cakes, had a chocolate cheesecake and carrot cake. Their carrot cake had too many layers of cream, didn't quite like that. We remembered the one at Starbuck in Phuket which was much nicer.

After dinner, I suddenly found myself couldnt breathe, my nose felt like it was stuffed. Like one have when one has a cold. But more scary. But I didn't have a cold. For about an hour, I had to breathe through my mouth.

Funny thing is, I wanted to tell Nd. Maybe not unusual as often I thought of her whenever something happen, I want to share with her. Sometimes it is Su as well. But I can't, not anymore. I can't share with them or learn anything about them either. It sucks.

Nd has a new haircut. It is nice,, looks cute on her. But I prefer to see her with a slightly longer hair. But my opinion doesnt' matter anyway. So didn't share my view, no point.

Heard that there maybea reshuffle within the team. Some may go to teamA. I don't know if I should volunteer to join back. It would mean joining them again. But I don't like some of the people in the team. I don't know. Maybe it will be a waste of time. Don't even know how long they will be around. I don't know what I want anymore.

Though I have my family, it is not enough. I am feeling so lonely. I long for some real friends. But how can I have when I have stopped looking for one.

I am hurting inside ...

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Miscarriage

I can't help feeling worry for Su. I don't know how she got miscarriage the last time, I do hope she will make it this time.

Why do people have to have miscarriage? It is not fair. Isn't having a baby godsend? Shouldn't He protect and bless them?

Monday, July 9, 2007

My frustration

The frustration inside is building up again! Dammed!! I don't use words like "damned" "fuck" "pissed off" "asshole" etc in the real world. I do wonder how I have avoided it all my life. Only word I used is "shit". But this is blogworld, so I can use them, I don't care anymore. I am pissed off! There I used it again.

Today I saw all three of them, I wish I could work with them. It seems that I am often assign to do what they are doing only when they are not doing it. Dammed rosterer!

I avoid talking to my parents. I will only be angry. It is happening again. I get frustrated with simple things. So it is better to remain silence. If I can't say nice things, I may as well not say anything.

I have to learn to hide my feeling again.

I can't help feeling angry at everything. This friendship thing is hurting me. And it will stay for a long time. Even though I have convinced myself not to find any more friends, I can never shake away the feeling of those I have cared. Whether of those twenty years ago or a year ago, they are all in my heart. I wish they will accept me. But I know it is impossible.

Not having anybody you care and not having anybody is two different things. I have somebody, yet still have nobody. That hurts.

Friday, July 6, 2007

My friends, my dream

That night, Suhaili told me not to consider her as a close friend as she don't see me as one. Yes, I can stop trying to seek her friendship, but I will always consider her a close friend, for she will always be that to me, even if she is not willing. She will always be like a big sister to me, though she may be younger.

Let me have my dream friend .. a friend that will support and give me strength, for I need it, now more than ever. Even if it is just me and my imagination. I still care for her and the rest. No matter what, even if they don't wish to, they will always be my friends still. I treasure those I consider friends. Especially Suhaili, Nordiana and Yulianah.

I can only hope that I may get the chance to help them if ever they need one. That is my only wish now .. to help them ... with or without them knowing it. That is what friends are for.

They can only be my silent friends it seems. Then, that is what they will be, but still as important and special to me.

5th July

Yesterday went down to Giant at Parkway to look at some bicycles. Later when the kids came back, I brought them down to let them have a look. They said fine, so bought for them the bicycles.

I myself had wanted to get one for myself since last year, but had always deliberate on it, never make up my mind to get any bicycle, giving myself several reasons not to do so. Yet, when they wanted to buy, I just get for them. There goes another item that I wanted so much for myself but now unable to do so as I have bought for someone else haha. I guess that is the power of love. Loving others more than loving oneself. That is me. Sad isn't it?

Took them to East Coast to cycle. It was great to see them cycle, well at least for one of them, the other couldn't and the side wheels bent making it harder to balance, thus spoiling the fun for her. Had our dinner at McDonald's. Been a while since I had one there.

After the kids when home, we went to watch Transformers. The movie was great, well, I enjoyed the movie anyway, plenty of actions and the transformation was fantastic to watch, though I find the robots looks too much details that one hardly can see the robot, only parts of metal everywhere. Used to watch the cartoon now and then, at least one can see the robot appearance in the cartoon.

By the time we went home, we were hungry so I quickly whipped up a porridge supper for us.

Bonus is here, but I have already spent my bonus long before. Think I don't even have any left to spare. But at least it helps to lighten my burden, solve partially one less thing. Thank goodness for bonus this year.

Tomorrow ... I can only hope there is something to look forward to ....

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Stupid Wednesday

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Rainbow and got to work with Nd on my first duty, I thought it was going to be a good day.

It did started well, till I saw other colleagues together like close friends. What I needed for myself, but couldn't have. I felt saddened that I was always unlucky. I started to send smses to B, Z n Nd, who meant something to me, hoping I could get some sympathy. That was a stupid move. None of them reply so made me more frustrated. Why can't people I choose feel the same about me? All I want is friendship. I need to feel wanted, otherwise why am I living. For family, sure, but life is more than that.

Felt depressed after that, till I saw Su. I can't explain, but seeing her makes me feel happy always. I feel comforted. Maybe that is why I had hope she could be my best friend. But she didn't see me as she was busy on the hp. Nevermind I thought, it was okay as all I need was able to see her. Then I did a stupid thing, sending her a sms telling her she had make me happy. Stupid danceal. She came back with replies telling me not to bother her with this nonsense. It hurts me to hear that from her. It was pure stupid trying to tell her how I feel. It only makes matter worse for me. Stupid, stupid danceal!

I have stopped wishing that we can do things together, thought I still wish and hope that we can be close friends. Both Nd and Su. I don't mind being the only one caring for the friendship. I have to learn not to show my feeling, that I care still. To them or anyone. I fear that they will never talk or smile to me again. That will really hurt me more. For a smile from them is all it takes to make a difference to my day. If I lose that too, I will have nothing to look forward to when I work. When one don't enjoy working, having friends can lighten the burden of working.

People don't want to know that they are being care by someone they don't wish to be close to. Honesty is useless. I rather remain silence, that way people will still talk to me, sometimes.

I know they are nice people. I could see it when they interact with others. I am just so unlucky that they don't want my friendship. Though I will never tell them again, I will still consider them my close friends, my best friends. For in my heart, they are, and always will be.

It has been a stupid Wednesday for me, stupid day for sending smses, stupid day for still not keeping silent when I said I will.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

SMS is everything to me

Why don't they sms to me?

Sms is a convenient way to communicate. When one don't have the time to meet and chat, sms provides one a chance to keep in touch. I often see them sms to each other. I know they set time to meet up or for meal using sms. If only they will sms me. Especially now, more than ever, as I have chosen to only talk if via sms. But why should they? I am not their friend.

Only when they look for someone to change shift do I get sms from them. They don't even bother to talk to me or ask me along for meal, even when I am around. They will just walk away. Heck lah, why should I care about them? I am not interested in making friends with them anyway. Though the feeling of being unwanted do get to me, even from strangers.

I will rather wish that those I seek as friends ask me. But they too don't bother with me. I am just a nobody. They have other friends. Not having me around is nothing to them. Haiz. Why am I so wanting their friendship? Why do I care so much for them? It is just me. Stupid me, caring for friends who don't bother if I am around or not. But I miss not seeing and talking to them. haiz

I try not to sms to them. I try not to feel sad if they don't reply to my sms when I do. For the number of sms I did send, there were more that I didn't send because I do not want to irritate them by keep sending smses. I don't mind late reply, as long as I get one. But when no reply came, it does hurt me, as it seems to me that I am not worthy of getting a reply. How else can I think of it as it happened not once, but so many times?

I miss sms. It is my only mode of communicate now. And that I am deny also ..... haiz

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Looking Busy

I used to work at the backroom, doing updatings and other supporting stuffs. At times, there may not be any job to do for days, sometimes maybe weeks. Sometimes when the job came, it would be a rush job, having to do it at a certain deadline.

Those times when I had nothing to do, I had to pretend I was working. Hey, the supervisor was sitting right in front of me lor. It wouldn't look nice if he was busy while I was completely free right? haha. Though I think he was pretending too sometimes.

Anyway, I had to look busy, sometimes taking out some files, looking at it (pretending I was studying the contents of course) and putting it back. I was lucky that my job enable me to move around so when I couldn't find any file to play around with, I would take a walk. Really a walk, haha. Just looking around, hoping to find someone to talk, or just error to correct.

Best of all was sometimes I could take longer timing than the stipulated lunch break. And went shopping at the nearest shopping mall hehe. Or did some personal errand. It would usually cost me another hour. But nobody questioned me haha.

That was before. Now ... let us say I have only my little corner to turn to.

Friendship is everything to me

It is time like this when I wish I have my close friends. Having them means I can have somebody to
* hangout at Starbuck, or some fastfood to chillout;
* watch movies with;
* go find some food outlets to savoy their food;
* sms;
* confide and vice versa;
* laugh with;
* meet up for meals;
* just chat and chat.
I will feel wanted. I need them. And I will give my best to treasure their friendship.

I wish they will sms me. Maybe I can't do all those I mentioned, maybe our timing doesn't fit. But at least we can sms still. But I can't even have that.

These days, my world is silence. I have only a few people that I wish can be my close friends. I need their sms reply but if they don't reply to my sms, then I really got nobody. I need their sms to keep my sanity. They are all I have. Am I really so unimportant?

I see others sharing time together. They are close friends, laughing and chatting always. Sometimes having the opportunity bring people together. At least they have the chance to discover each other and maybe bond their friendship. Sometimes it is the feeling that decides who will be friends.

I am a emotional person. I based my feeling on who I want to be my friends. Perhaps that is my failure, as they do not share the same.

I can only watch others having friends, enjoying all that I have mentioned and long for. I wish I can have the same, but I know wishing is not the same as having. I can only envy others. I can only hope that I will not hate seeing others having what I don't have. What I can't have.

I have only my family. It is not enough for me. I know I need friends. But family is all that I have to settle with. I can only hope that I will not hate them, because of having only one option. It happened before. I must, and need to hold back any anger or frustration and not direct on my family. I hope I can be strong.

I don't want any friend anymore. It hurts everytime I lost friends when I tried to strengthen the friendship. Maybe because I am a guy, what is wrong having male/female friendship? All I want is being their close friend. Can I not be given that chance? Or it is simply they don't want me as a friend.

Even though now I will not seek their friendship, I still see them as being my special friends. Maybe I am stupid for being loyal to friends, whether they accept me or not. But at this moment in time, the memory of their friendship is the only thing that keeps my sanity in this world of insanity. I see people just dropping friends like they discard their used tissues. Friendship is everything to me. Perhaps because I don't have someone I can call my close friend that I value friendship.

Life is short. Treasure your friends.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Taxi and waiting time

Was at the taxi stand at Parkway earlier, I find it frustrating that this taxi stand allow for 3 taxis to be cleared at a time, but most people will wait for the taxi to come to the 1st stand, right where they are standing. Is it too much to walk a short distance to the No. 2 or 3? This is also common in other taxi stand.

By waiting for the taxi to come to the 1st stand, they are making the waiting time for others longer. And it is no fun standing in the heat with your grocery in your hand, and the thought of your ice-cream melting in the plastic bag.

Does it matter? ...

  • Parting is such ... - It is easy to miss someone, but hard to forget that person, especially you are close, have strong feeling for that person. So don't stay away, keep in touc...
    13 years ago

Thank you, for sparing your precious time with me

To me:

Even if you are no longer keeping in touch, I
will still care for you. I need you but I will not ask anything from
you.


-------------------------------------------------------------

Next to needing a close friend, Dance is
everything .... and when I start losing the passion for dance, I know I have
lost my desire to live


-------------------------------------------------------------

my friend is less to serve me, rather it is more about
me making them happy


-------------------------------------------------------------


Sms
is important to me. It keeps me in touch with those who matter to me. It is what
prevent me from going insane. They don't understand, I don't blame them. I am
just a fool thinking that he is wanted.


-------------------------------------------------------------

I may not show I care, but I do
...


=======================================