Friendship that be, friendship that be not

Went down to Arab Street, but was disappointed, so headed down to Geylang. Nicer atmosphere there. Got myself a slingbag. And ate vadez. It seems everytime if I went down there, I would buy vadez haha.




Everytime I see a group of friends spending time together, I feel envy. I just hope that they will know how to appreciate and treasure their friendship. It seems that some people don't. Recently I overheard someone remarked about one of her friends. People tend to rather leave their friend alone, ignoring them if there is sign of problem instead of trying to find out why and maybe sort out any misunderstanding if any. Sometimes it may work, but at times, it will only cost the friendship to lapse. If one really treasure the friendship, one should make an effort to talk to the person. But some people don't bother as they have other friends, or know they can always get new one easily. Maybe sometimes it is best to let go, but some friends are worth trying to keep. Too bad the mentality is that new friend is easily attainable, so why bother to solve any sign of strained relationship. Sad.

I am rather emotional, and if I feel good about someone, I rather try to keep my friendship with them, even if they will not reciprocate the feeling. Even if they do not wish to be my close friend. Call me stupid, call me silly, but I treasure those that I consider friends even if we are not real friends in reality. They will always be special in my heart.

Heard about Su, finally, although very brief, and I do not fully understand her condition. She is given hospital leave because she is weak, maybe till her time to deliver. I wish I can visit her, as what a friend will do, but I know I can't. May God looks after her and her baby.

Chris birthday has passed, I sent an email to wish her. She didn't really reply, just like any of my emails in the past. Oh well, obviously she didn't want to renew our friendship. But I still care for her as my friend.

All I ask from any of them is their friendship. I need them ... as a friend that I can confide, spend time together, helping each other. Whatever reasons they may have for rejecting me, I will not question it. To them it may seem valid. I wish they will talk to me about it, instead of just ignoring me. At least then, I can understand why.

I know what I want from their friendship is not easily acceptable, as male-female friends are hard for others to understand. Added to that are our difference in ages. I know it is possible, or at least I want to give it a try. I almost have it with Chris. At that time, she almost fulfilled my dream of having a real friend. For a short while, about a month, I got a friend. But suddenly she just stopped. Till today I still don't understand why as she didn't bother to explain.

Life is so unpredictable! When one thinks one finds happiness, it may disappear in an instant. But it is part of living. One part of mine has gone even before it really begins. It continues with my recent effort to find friends. It is useless to feel good about some people, if they don't care about wanting your friendship.

Am I destined to live life without any close friend? I often ask myself this. Perhaps it is ....

Seindah Biasa

I don't care if I still have my cough. I ate ice-cream this morning, for breakfast haha. And how nice it is to eat chocolate again, starting eating them two days back.

The thing about me puasa is that I don't have anybody that I can join when it is time to break fast. Officially I have no reason to do so, so it is between me and Him. That is how it should be anyway.

I like this song Seindah Biasa when I first heard it sung by Suki Low in OIAM. This original version is sung by Siti Nurhaliza. I love this song.


Btw, can anyone tell me what Seindah Biasa means? haha

Circumcision and circumstances

Weekend was here and gone, without me venturing into any mall, haiz. Missed the chance of getting this Vaio on offer, wrong timing. Didn't have time as I got to work early the last few days. Still two more days of the same. I can't wait for my off day so I can go look for this Fried Mars. Looking forward to try it, heard it is delicious. And also to go Geylang or Arab Street maybe. I haven't had malay food this past week. I want to eat spicy food, eat those kuihkuih.

Read in the newspaper about this female circumcision in Egypt. How gross! A 13year old girl died while having her clitoris removed! How can people do this and cite it as religious? The country has banned it but some still practiced this inhuman "circumcision", sometimes done by a barber or whoever else in the village. People, well the men in particular, often is the culprit, not the religion.

"As a male society, the men took parts of religion that satisfied men and inflated it. The parts of the Quran that helped women, they ignored."

How true this often is. Even in the Christian world.

Sometimes I wish I can live life differently, but in all due circumstances, I may still ended up doing the same thing. I may not like the result, but there is nothing else I can do, as we are living at the mercy of others action, or inaction. No matter what people will tell you, that you are the master of what you do, in truth, we don't. Life is inter-related with other lives. We can only learn to accept it, and hopefully, learn to be happier with what we have.

20th September

Thursday, one more day till the weekend cometh. Though it makes no diff to me actually. There is still the resonating echo wherever I go, the sound of my cough. Sometimes I tried to dull the sound, but when it have to come, it comes, right down from the chest, as though I may accidentally cough out my lung one of these days.

Su is on hospital leave, I don't know what happened, I do hope she is okay, or will be.

I miss them, all of them. I wish I can just sms them. Haiz....

I may not fast this year. Somehow it doesn't feel the same. Last year I was so interested. I may tried to find the time to read again, maybe that will bring back the mood to want to fast. Yesterday did tried, but tired so didn't get much pages done, three pages only. And I had been reading this book more than four months ago. Very slow progress. I have forgotten what was in the 1st chapter already. Maybe I should change another book, and later come back to this one, hopefully haha.

I did bought several books few months back but haven't put in the effort to read them. Perhaps the idea of getting the books were more exciting than actually reading them. I guess it had always been like that, even when I was collecting my comics when I was young. Hey, there were still several (to put it mildly as it is actually alot hehe) comics I haven't read, and it had been many many years already haha.

As I was saying, weekend does not mean much when one is working on shift, except that if I do get the chance to go to the mall, there will be plenty of things to see, compare with weekdays. Did anyone go the nike sales at Suntec yesterday? I didn't have time to pop in, think it should be good, the sign said up to 80% discount. sigh, what a waste!

September is ending soon, soon it will be December. Is this how I see life, by months if not days? Give me something to hold on to the day, that will want me to wish that it will stay still .....

At home with Wyatt

Got up from sleep, well if you can call it sleep haha. Think I was in bed for maybe just an hour. Can't remember if I sleep at all lolx.

Had gotten back from Suntec for lunch, walked around abit, did some groceries at Carrefour. Felt sleepy and tired, just walking a few steps and I wanted to sit down. So headed home. I was still weak. Of course lah, since didn't get to eat my energy food like donuts, cheesecakes, ice-cream and CHOCOLATE!

I think I am a bit better, no, much better than yesterday, but still, I am sick. WORSE THAN GETTING SICK IS BEING SICK!

Yesterday I watched Wyatt Earp, the one starring Kevin Costner. Did saw it before. Wyatt Earp was among my childhood legendary western heroes. There were several movies with Wyatt Earp character in the movies, recent one include the one with Kurt Russell. Some protrayed him as good, some as bad. Maybe he was a bit of both. But his story is legendary. This particular version has him trying to uphold justice, I say justice becuase as everyone knows, the law can work on both sides. The spectacular visual of 4 guys standing in the middle of the street, holding their guns/rifles is legendary, then walking towards their enemies.

More than a western, it is a story of brotherly love and bond, his brothers could just leave him, but they never did. When one of the brother died, I couldn't help crying with him. And then there were other people who stuck with him, like Bat Masterson and Doc Holliday. One phrase that Doc spoke strike a cord in me, and made me teary again:

"I will be there for you".

And he meant every word of it. Though they hardly knew each other, he had felt that this man, Wyatt Earp, was worth dying for. Well, he was dying of TB anyway, but he treated Wyatt as a special friend.

In sickness and in breathing

Danceal is still sick. Hopefully will recover by this weekend ... I want to go out! and eat chocolates and ice-creams and chocolates!!

This morning, I was feeling low, and then, I saw Nd. She was smiling, how nice to see a friendly smile. Just that the smile wasn't for me but otheres. But it was okay, the smile was what I needed to brighten my day. The last two days was so bad for me, being sick. A friendly smile from a familiar face was what I needed. Haiz, if only she was smiling and cheering me up....

If only we can hold our breath, or stop breathing when we are sleeping. It will cease the discomfort one gets when trying to sleep. How nice if I can stop breathing when I go to sleep, then wake up and breathes again. You people out there like that also? haha.

Tuesday wemt to CA again for their cheesecakes, but only thing was, I couldn't enjoy them, because I wasn't feeling so well that night. Then everything went bad. The last couple of days I think I sleep a lot .. in the daytime, which usually I don't do, and often only when I am sick do I sleep in the daytime haha.

I believe my age is really catching up. Getting sick is getting very bad for me. Thought the last time I was sick was bad, but now I feel it is even worse. The cough felt like it could kill me, the headche aggravated the feeling even more. And most of the time I felt like I couldn't breathe, especially when I laid down to sleep. My fever has stopped, I hope haha.

My brain is a little haywire right now, if it is still there. Had wanted to write about something but forgot what it was haha. ok, will let the brain go back into storage till it is more ready ...

Suntec competition

I went down to Suntec on Saturday to watch the competition. I had expected to have company for the night, but in the end, I was disappointed that I had to watch it alone, though there was a good crowd there. It took a bit excitment out of watching the dance competition. I could only share others excitement as they screamed when their friends, or whatever, took to the stage. Or when the results were known. I watched as this lady gave a shriek when somebody she knew got the top prize, then called I presumed was the person mother. It was delightful watching her happiness.

The performance on stage didn't gave me the thrill as I thought it would. Perhaps it was the disappointment that I ended up alone there. I had expectation that didn't materialise. Expectation that couldn't be fulfilled always spoil the actual event.

Or perhaps I no longer has that much passion for dance anymore? I don't know ....

Movies and movies

It is not easy to want to open up but those who I want to open up to doesn't want to listen. Blogging is my only solution, but it also means that I am showing my fear and weakness. I thought if I stopped opening up altogether I would feel better. But it also means that I bottled up and cried more. I need their help but I didn't get any.

I will blog, Fad. Thank you for wanting to read. I guess I need an audience ... and to know that there is an audience. To know that someone care enough to want to read my life and my thoughts. Blogging is also my diary which I can flip back to when my memory is no longer as good. Well, even now, I have memory lapse, which can be quite bad at times.

I am not what I was, I don't know what I am or want to be. Only time will tell ....

Yesterday I saw two movies back to back. I haven't done that for a long long time. Back when I was in secondary, (wow, that seems so ancient and makes me so old haha) I used to watched two to three movies in a day at one shot. Back then one has to travel some distances to get to the next cinema, not like today when one can get different movies at one spot. Favourite was from Capitol to Odeon to Cathay. Once a while will be Orchard, Cathay and Capitol/or Odeon combination. And sometimes all the way to Lido/Cathay combination, which is from one end to the other end of Orchard Road, and/or Capitol or Odeon haha. I was a mad movie addict :-)

Today going to the cinema is not as fun. If one chose not to channel surf between HBO(including the 3 sub-HBO), StarMovies and Cinema, one can watch a few movies in one location, if provided one can find nice movies to watch. I suppose the hopping from one cinema to another cinema was an adventure for me which I totally enjoyed back then, apart from the movies themselves hehe.

I blog again

It isn't easy but I know that I have no choice. Whoever said we have a choice in what we do with our lives is wrong. We can try but the choice we attempt is always up to others whether we will get it or not. Especially friendship.

I used 2 feel optimist in life, that I deserve better. But having failed so many times, I doubt I can find any best friend. I need a best friend. But am not going to expect any chance of getting one anymore. I am defeated. I thought having find a few people that I care would be enough, but it didn't. If only I am given a chance to be their friend, a real friend. We could have been close friends these last two years, the way as I had wanted to, if only they had given me that chance. But it didn't happen.

My life is unbalanced. And I don't expect it to change. There is so much I don't like about it, but I have no choice or hope of changing it. And I will not try. I have problems, but seeing how there are others who are worse off, I consider myself lucky. Still, it doesn't changed the fact that I still have my problems. Just smaller by comparison.

The Suntec Dance competition is on this Saturday 8th Sep. I plan to watch. Hope can. Singapore has good dancers. May the best dancers get what they want. Even if they may not win, they are winners in somebody's else book.

I blog again!