Rainbow and got to work with Nd on my first duty, I thought it was going to be a good day.
It did started well, till I saw other colleagues together like close friends. What I needed for myself, but couldn't have. I felt saddened that I was always unlucky. I started to send smses to B, Z n Nd, who meant something to me, hoping I could get some sympathy. That was a stupid move. None of them reply so made me more frustrated. Why can't people I choose feel the same about me? All I want is friendship. I need to feel wanted, otherwise why am I living. For family, sure, but life is more than that.
Felt depressed after that, till I saw Su. I can't explain, but seeing her makes me feel happy always. I feel comforted. Maybe that is why I had hope she could be my best friend. But she didn't see me as she was busy on the hp. Nevermind I thought, it was okay as all I need was able to see her. Then I did a stupid thing, sending her a sms telling her she had make me happy. Stupid danceal. She came back with replies telling me not to bother her with this nonsense. It hurts me to hear that from her. It was pure stupid trying to tell her how I feel. It only makes matter worse for me. Stupid, stupid danceal!
I have stopped wishing that we can do things together, thought I still wish and hope that we can be close friends. Both Nd and Su. I don't mind being the only one caring for the friendship. I have to learn not to show my feeling, that I care still. To them or anyone. I fear that they will never talk or smile to me again. That will really hurt me more. For a smile from them is all it takes to make a difference to my day. If I lose that too, I will have nothing to look forward to when I work. When one don't enjoy working, having friends can lighten the burden of working.
People don't want to know that they are being care by someone they don't wish to be close to. Honesty is useless. I rather remain silence, that way people will still talk to me, sometimes.
I know they are nice people. I could see it when they interact with others. I am just so unlucky that they don't want my friendship. Though I will never tell them again, I will still consider them my close friends, my best friends. For in my heart, they are, and always will be.
It has been a stupid Wednesday for me, stupid day for sending smses, stupid day for still not keeping silent when I said I will.
