Friendship

Maybe it was stupid of me. I didn't want to annoy her again. But I think I did it again. I should have just kept to asking about S and stopped further sms. In trying to explain myself, I have made it worse.

There is no way of explaining to her that I truly see her and S as my closest friends, even though they may not regard me as one. Sometimes a person comes along, and somehow you feel comfortable with them, that you feel good when you are together, that you want them as your best friend. Someone you trust. Certain things are hard to explain. You just feel it. I felt it when I was with them. Maybe it would have worked if I was female too. Maybe it wouldn't. N has found a new friend, they seem close. I envy that girl. She gains N's friendship what I was trying for the whole of last year but in vain. Like I said before, it helps to foster the relationship when you got the opportunity to do things together often, friendship will blossom better. The bond is there. I didn't have that opportunity. At least I want to believe that, and not because they don't like me. haha. Okay, lighten up danceal, don't want to cry while writing this.

I hope S is alright. Something must be wrong to make her take a long leave of absence. I am worry but there is nothing else I can do. Without any news, I can only hope for the best for her. I want to sms her, but it may end up with her getting annoy at me as well. She has stated that I shouldn't message her when she is with her family.

This is giving me a headache, not knowing what is happening. Yes, if they want their privacy, I will respect that. I have always done that. I only want to know because I do care for them. Friendship has always been close to my heart. Even though often I may be the only person who cares about the friendship.

I didn't want to write about my friendship with them here. I had done plenty in moblog and myspace. I know there is a limit to what a person will want to read, before he finds it irritating. I have been an irritating person to those I want to care. It is time I let them be. I can only be a friend from a distant, hoping I may get to help them from time to time.

What is friendship without being there when they need it.

I am still a sms addict. I have lost everyone that I could and want to sms to. Sms had helped me to convey my thoughts but it is also maybe why they have stopped replying. No, it is the reason why I lost them. Who wants to receive sms about someone who is not your friend? Now, the only way to please my crave is to type out what I will want to message them, then instead of sending it, will delete it. I will not expect to get any reply this way, at least I know the reason why there is no reply now haha. This is what I am doing now, and will be doing. I still want to message them, but I know I shouldn't. Hopefully my addiction will stop, though it has been two years and I still find the need to sms. I know I will still check regulary for any incoming sms, though I know I will not find any from those I want to hear from.

Haiz ... if only friendship is less complicated. If only every person you wish to have as your close friend feel the same way too. But the reality is not like that. The pain of friendship, makes you treasure those you care even more if they accept you.

Funny thing is, even if they don't accept me, I will still treasure them. I know they will make good friends, even if it is to someone else, and not me.

This post started all because I wish to know how S is. S is the 1st person I wish to have as my close friend since I lost Chris. I can only hope and pray she will be fine.