Caring for friends

I can only presumed she is understuding to do a officer duty. Did try to ask her, but she didn't reply. I hope she can take the extra pressure. Maybe it is easier for her. Besides, she has plenty of friends should she needs people to talk to. Sometimes one need friends to help ease the pressure from workstress. I didn't have any, having to put up the stress alone. That is why I gave up. Or maybe I am just not cut out to be an officer. I have always been a follower, not an authoritive figure. I wish I can be assigned to her, maybe I can be around to help her if ever she needs it. But, she probably will not ask me, she has others to help her. That is good, whether I am the one or others, as long as she has someone to help her.

I always end up choosing somebody who is not interested in talking to me. I have only a few people that I will gladly chat with, but if none of them want to talk to me, I don't have anybody, unlike them. They are all I have. They don't understand, how having their friendship is important to me. *sigh* That is all I want - their friendship. What is the point of finding friends when one cannot be friends? Maybe I should stop acting from my heart. I cannot be emotional about who I want to have as my friends. I shouldn't follow my heart about how I feel about a person I want as my friend. It has never worked.

And it will not work with B either. She has also given sign that she is not interested. I should stop thinking that I can choose who I want as a friend. She may be perfect when seeing her with others, but that is no use as long as she does not want to be my best friend.

I know I keep coming back to this same subject. It has never left my thought. Even if I don't blog about it, I will still think about them, those who I care. Friends are most important to me, maybe more than my family. For without friends in my heart, I know it will be difficult for me to handly my family life. Though they may not want to be my friend, though they may ignore me, but I will still care for them. That is something that nobody can stop.

It is too late not to want to care those few, I can only stop myself from being soft and sentimental in the future.

To those few, I can pretend they don't matter to me, if that is what they want, but I can't lie to myself that they do matter. That in my heart, I will be there for them if they need me ... they will always be my friends. My special friends.