Depressed

The last week was feeling so depressed. Everything didn't go as I wish it to be. Work was ... well I wish I had the people I wanted to see so they can cheer me up. But I didn't see them. Sab didn't look for me either, though I was grateful for a few of her smses.

I didn't want to blog the last few days, as then it would be a bad blog posting as I was feeling frustrated and did feel angry. I had to control myself from not putting the anger on those who had nothing to do with how I felt.

And there was also this talk from people around me. They were talking about a dead guy, but here I was, living and yet nobody want to talk to me. I don't want to sound heartless, but then again, maybe I should be a heartless person, for nice guy don't have friends. Maybe I should be the one to die. But hey, then, I will rather they not talk about me. I will rather be nothing to them if I died, just as I am nothing now.

It is time I realise not to expect those people I care to accept me. At the back of my mind, I guess I still was hoping there will be hope. People tell me that one can only depends on family. But to me, I only had my family, and that had make me resent it. Maybe that is why I tend to distance myself from them.

My dear said that my parent were surprised that I am so different from what they thought I was. It is true, they do not know me at all. I am not the kid they brought up anymore. They even didn't know what I like to eat. I didn't have a balance life of family and close friends. And still don't. Maybe one day when I have gotten my close friends, I may accept them again. Till then, I know I can't.

Don't expect me to.

Time and time again, I feel like stop blogging. For if I blog, it means I want to open my feeling and thought. But it also means I am still expecting to find someone that I want to open up to. The only way I can completely stop all these feeling of frustration and anger is maybe to close up completely. And that means stop blogging as well.

I don't know ... I am lost as what is best for me to do.

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I wish I could be there for her birthday. I felt like I miss a daughter's birthday. Haiz ... it is another one of those thing that I make me feel sad ...

Next week, another person birthday is coming .. and I know I can't celebrate with her also. She too means a lot to me .... yes, like a daughter too. I guess I wish they all can be my daughters. I want to take care of them.

Haha, silly danceal!