Once more with friends ,,, or the lack of it

I am feeling miserable again ... thought I could get over it, but I can't. It is not something I can just switch off. I though if I don't think about it, it is okay, but I was wrong. For nothing has changed.

It has been a while since I blog, I don't know if I will again, or this is one of the occasion that I really can't handle it but to blog this posting. Haiz ....

I turn to blogs to let it be a point of contact between me and them, to share my thoughts with some people dear to me, people that I considered my special friends. And most of all, I wanted to know more about them, I am always looking for updates on them. But they don't update me, neither can I gather much info from any of their blogs, if they have any. It didn't work. They didn't take time to check on me, nor update me on their lives. I know they may be busy, but I am never too busy for those I called my friends. Perhaps that is the difference. That I am not dear enough to them, as they are to me.

Without the chance to interact with them in person, blogs are my lifeline to their world. They could have help me to have a more meaningful life. I would have feel wanted. For I want to be wanted by them.

I treasure friends, time and time again I have mentioned it in all my blogs. But everytime, friendship has eluded me. I don't have any close friends, even though I have found people which I felt comfortable with. I don't blame any of them, I rather blame myself for wanting female to be my close friends. I may be open-minded, even letting my wife to have male companion for a close friend, but it is hard to find any female willing to be my close friend.

Haiz ... it isn't fair, but it is the fact of life. I feel miserable, wanting to have friends that I can meet up with, sharing and doing things together. I can see others having it, but not me.

This is the third time I couldn't go KL with anyone of them. Because I wasn't part of their circle of friends, I was too late. I really want to go KL with a group of friends.

I am going insane with this inability of getting friends that I want to be with. Friends mean a lot to me. Friends are the extension of ones family. Friends and Family go together to make a person complete.

I am incomplete. I can only be insane ....

Blog no more

I should have keep my mouth shut. Every time I make someone angry because I want to say more than I just a yes or no. Words can be so easily misunderstood, especially when there is no face to face opportunity to sort it out and explain. I should have learnt from my past mistakes. I should have been what I was before, kept quiet and not try to explain how I feel. Not that I gained any friend back then, but at least I will not make anyone angry. I don't want to make her angry. Or any of them.

I have so much I want to say to them. I started this blog so people I care can read how I feel and what I do. It is the only venue to do so as I don't get to be with them. To have the chance of spending the time with people I want to be with, those I consider my special friends, not just people I consider as casual or colleagues. There are many of those, but true friends are rare, and rarer for me. In fact I can't say I have any, if one consider friends as those you can contact when you want someone to confide or comfort you.

I blog so they can read. This blog is especially for those I listed in my heart2hearts list. Though I may not have told them, haha. Not that it will make the difference from the way I see it. But if anybody that I want to know about me, these are the people. Yet, recently, I doubt anyone, except for Blackcat13, read my postings. I guess I can't expect them to spare that little time to read here, who am I anyway but a headless nobody. I am disappointed, but I know they have other priorities. I may be interested in what they do, and I still will, but they are not me, and I can't expect them to bother about me as I would for them. This is the fact of human relationship. Not everyone sees things the way you do.

Though I want to tell people about me, it is as important for me to know what they are doing, through their blogs, if they have any. But it is not happening. I don't want to blog anymore since I am not doing what I want in the first place. I was hoping this blog will be the contact point for all of us. I had removed my tagboard as I got no tag and feedback. I think I will go back to being anonymous to everyone. Unless they want to find out about me.

I am already headless. I will be wordless as well. Yes, written words have been my favourite choice of communication. I have wanted to write down how I feel. I wanted to blog. I wanted true friends, because I have found people I care that meet my wish. But nothing have changed much since day one. Yes I have found many casual friends, online and in the real world. But true friends have still eluded me, friends who will spare more than a little time for me, just as I will for them. Maybe one day I can call someone that. Maybe not.

The other day, just after my operation, I told myself that if I had died, nobody will know about it, because they don't bother to sms me. Today my blog will die.

Thank you if you are reading this ... take care ....

Operation CGH - Aftermath

Aftermath
The numbness lasted till early in the morning. Finally I could feel my legs again, but the pain prevented me from moving comfortably. I was in real pain by now. It didn't help that I was feeling uncomfortable in bed.

I don't know how much sleep I had, it was on and off all the times. Since I was admitted, I may in bed longer than I was ever before, but I can't said I got a nice sleep throughout. It was something I will add to my memory.

The next time I noticed the time was about 8.35am. I was there for more than 24hours, and I had only a milo when I got up in the middle of the night, or maybe morning, but finally after 9am, I got my first food, chwee kueh. Of course, I finished every single bits. It may not be the best chwee kueh, it was cold, but to me, it was the best thing to touch my mouth. Before my operation, I had a dream in one of my so-called sleep, I dreamt of food coming to my mouth, but my mouth couldn't open. I couldn't eat. It was horrible! A nightmare!

I got so much time lying in bed, I often thought of the people I wanted so much to be there, but wasn't. I know that I can't expect others to make me happy. It is often said that one must be one's own happiness. I had different thinking, maybe it is time I review my wants and needs. Maybe I will still be the same after all these have settled in my brain haha.

I don't want to finish this posting without mentioning the CGH staff, the staff was very friendly, and I wouldn't have wanted anybody else to look after me. And look after me, most did very well. I was well look after in spite of the various hickcups.

This was the first time I had to go for an operation. But I know it may not be my last. Being human, my body will malfunction time and time again. Just a matter of time .....

Operation CGH - Cut and Open

Cut And Open
On the way, as I was being wheeled, I watched the ceiling went by, just as one would in movies. After corridors after corridors, I finally reached what seemed like my destination. I was told the patient before me had complication, so would take longer than anticipated. So, like it or not, I had to wait. And waited I did, and wait. It was cold, I had barely nothing on underneat the blanket. The nurse was kind enough to realise that I might be cold, so gave me extra blanket. Thank you, dear nurse.

It took longer that anyone anticipated, so I had to wait in what seemed like a holding room. Finally, it was time, and I was given the anestisia. I had chosen regional anestisia, which seemed like a funny choice as I was afraid of needle. Lucky I didn't get to see the needle, which probably would be huge. I felt the needle being jabbed into my spine. Then, it was a matter of waiting till the anestisia took effect. I could feel numbness soon, as slowly my lower part went to sleep. Then, it was completely numbed. I took a secret touch to my private organ, and I couldn't feel it.Sheesh, like it wasn't there, though I could feel it in my hand.

I was wheeled into the operating room. It looked like those I watched on TV, though it seemed more spartan. Think on TV, they stuffed all kind of machines to make it looked more sophisticated haha. Anyway, I was given something that knocked me out, that when I woke up they had already started operating on me. I could see with my blurry eyes something was happening, via the overhead cirular light thing like one always saw in TV or moives. Strange feeling, being right in the middle of an operation, and me being the one operated on. I couldn't hear what was being said either as they spoke in a low tone, unlike movies.

In just a little while, I was told it was all over. I wondered how long I was out. Well, at least I got to see partial operation being carried out. I was wheeled to a holding area where they monitered me, being taking me to my ward. My body was still numbed. It was a terrible feeling not able to move your legs, or felt anything. Remind me never to get paralyse. I don't ever want to be helpless. But I don't control Fate ...

Finally, it was all over. They had cut me open, did what they must 2 repair me. Now it is all up to my Destiny if the operation was successful.