I want ....

In my life there were alot of things I wanted to do, some I did, and many more I didn't get to do. Many things I like to do before I am 50yrs, but that number has already passed haha. Many things I can't do because I didn't have friends who could have helped me to pursue my interests. Some things can't be done alone.

If I have friends who share the same interest, I will be ... not in order of merit ...
a) mountain climbing ... but those high high one.
b) backpacking overseas .... short trip due still need my job.
c) horse riding ..... in a silver armour like those knights.
d) go-karting .... have always like the mini version.
e) scuba-diving ... so I can kiss the corals
f) pool/snooker/billiard champion .... even do the twirling like Tom Cruise in the movie *hehe*
g) basketball pro ... like to join the harlem globetrotter.
h) cycling ... bicycle that is, my days of motorbiking is over.
i) taking up archery and fencing at the same time ..... I am a modern day Robin Hood.
j) formed an allgirl band like the Pussycat Dolls ..... ok this is not possible haha.

If I have friends ... I can't even have someone to go movie or clubbing. Going to movies is such a casual event that many takes for granted, becuase they have friends. Who can I ask? I don't have any friend ...

Friends are for life ....

Looks like I will die early ...

A 10year Australian study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die earlier than those with fewer friends. Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships.

"Friendship is an undervalued resource. The consistent message of these studies is that friends make your life better." said a director of a centre for gerontology.

Fading Memories

Memory is only as good as one can remember. How I wish I can recall memories of things I valued, but sometimes it is not up to me.

I can't remember details. Things are vague, as my braincells loses or misplaced my memories.

I know they meant alot to me, but I can't remember details of the things we did. Just that they were and still are.

More than 4 years has passed, though I remember not the details, I still felt them in my heart, of wanting their friendship. The things I would do for them, even though I couldn't be with them. Like the writing of the lounge card invitation, though they asked me not to, I still did for them. It was the only link I had, as I couldn't work with them, no matter how much I wanted to. I could only do it when I was alone, using whatever spare time I had. I wanted to be able to do something for them. By doing things for them, I would feel I was with them. Yes, in my mind only.

Just as I did for Adik. Nobody asked me to stamp the pass for her, she didn't either. I wanted to help her. All of them. If I did something which would benefit them, I wouldn't mind doing on my own time. Breaktime meant nothing if I had nobody to spend the time with. So I drown myself in work, finding ways to help them, even if they were not present when I did it. Whether they were there or not was not an issue, though it would have been nice, all I wanted was to help to them with their work. No, I am not workaholic, just wanting to help friends. Friendaholic, maybe? If there is such a word haha.

I never stopped wishing that I could join them, whether be it working, or hanging out. Often I wish we were the same team again. I know it doesn't mean that they would accept me. At least then we could work together more often. But I couldn't. I hardly get to see them. And even if I see them, we don't get to talk, maybe the occasional "hello" and "goodbye".

My memory of them is fading, but not my feeling of what they were to me, a friend when I needed one. Yes, I didn't actually get to be their close friend, but thinking that they were had helped me. Even if it was for a while. Perhaps that was why they had lingered on in my memories more than others. That I had wished that we could be more than casual friends.

I don't dare to dream of it, I don't expect that we will, it takes two to be close friends.

One day my memories of them will be gone, along with how I felt about wanting their friendship. Right now, I may long for their friendship, very much. But soon, I may not even remember who they are. They will not remember me either.

Nobody knows the future. If I am lucky, maybe I still will remember them, of how they meant to me ..... but maybe not why. It is sad if I lose the only thing I have of them, my memories.

Adik Yulie, Nordiana and Suhaili ..... at least this posting will remember you.

Missing my friends ...

Day off yet I still went back to my workplace to eat at the foodcourt, not that I missed the food or they being very extraordinary. Oh well, perhaps I was tired of going to town to have my meal ... or just I missed them, and hoping that perchance I might get to see them. Which I didn't! So much of hoping and wishing ....

Friendship and relationship works best when two people talk it out, and come to an understanding. I hope they will be best friends again. I hope Zana will be fine.

The last two days I saw Suhaili, but we didn't speak. She didn't even bother to look at me. I was hoping she would. I still missed not having her friendship. I could use her friendship ...

I saw Yulie yesterday, finally after so long. I did miss her too, didn't speak to her much except the usual "Hi" and "Bye". As usual, she didn't seem to want to stay and talk, so I didn't. At least she still gave a smile, and two, I should be contented. I can't expect much from her, or any of them, as they only see me as a colleague and maybe a casual friend.

I have never stop wishing that they can be more than that, I want them to be my close friends, don't ask me why, just that I do. I need them, the two of them and Diana, but after all these years, I have not get any closer, only seem to get more distant as we seldom cross each other path. I don't get the chance to meet up with them and have proper conversation. So it is no wonder that they will not accept me as someone close.

I have lost any chance with Suhaili. And she was the 1st one who had changed my perception ..... she could have help me alot, maybe then I wouldn't have the need to blog. I do miss her.

I depend on sms, being not able to spend time with them, sms is all I have to keep in touch with them. But I don't have that either. I know they may be busy. I don't expect instant reply, even a day later will be good, as long as we can keep in touch. I can only guess that they are not keen to keep in touch.

This is another posting of how I miss those I want to be my close friend. I guess I will do the same in my next. I started blogging to ease my frustration of not having their friendship, I guess blogging about them is my way of not going insane.

Yet I may still be .... going insane. I don't blame them, just my luckless journey of finding close friend to accompany me. Yes having close friend may be a headache too, as someone may have encountered, but not having one is like not taking any panadol as headache will come, with or without a friend.

I will want to have a close friend by my side, and I will do the same to her when she needs one too.

I have come a long way since I first blogged. I have chatted up a number of online people along the way and have found some I care as much as my colleagues. Especially Su and Zana. I lost some along the way too. I wish they can be that close friend I want, but at least if I keep my distance, maybe it wouldn't hurt as much when I lose them. Afterall, we have never met. Yet they are as real to me. Perhaps I am just daydreaming that I can't care for them as much if they only exist online .... and it is not working haha.

I still miss them as much as the rest ... I guess I am silly to care for people. Treating them as close friends when they are not really.

I can only give my heart, I will not expect others to share theirs.

I am missing my friends ....