Lost Friendship, Lost Dream

The last couple of days has been busy trying to burn the DVD for Nd. It was not easy, I faced problems after problems. But finally, I did it. I just hope she will be able to play it. In the past, my attempts to give her some videos to watch didn't turn out well. I don't mind the time and effort, as long as she can enjoy the video. That is all I want.


Su didn't reply to my sms. haiz ...

I had thought that things will change after she came back, but I guess it didn't. I am so disappointed. That day, I finally came to a decision.

I still care, and I suppose I will still do. All I want is her friendship, so simple but yet I can't get. She will always be my friend no matter how she treats me. I still want to be there for her.

"A listening ear" ... so often people had said those words, but how many really mean it? Su had said it, but she wasn't willing when I needed her. I don't blame her. Maybe I am a fool, but I am always willing to be a listening ear if she needs one. Whether her or Nd, or the others if they need one, for I mean every word when I say I am willing to be there for them. For I treasure my friends, at least those I consider my friends, as in reality, I have no friend.

And so ... is this how it will end? I am drained, so tired in trying to gain her friendship. I know I will still see her as a special friend, willing to help her if I can. She could have helped me a lot. Now, it will only be me helping her if I think she needs any.

I have already decided to close my feeling. It isn't easy having found people I want to share them with, but I am going to try to keep it within me again, since they were not really willing to listen. It wasn't meant for me to share.

I don't know how I will go about blogging, I don't want to show my fear and weakness. Telling them has failed me, makes me lose what I wanted the most .. that is close friend. I don't know what direction my blogging will go yet, what I should blog more, maybe I will just blog about events. Time and time again, I want to stop. But I got things I want to say. To you readers and also for my memory. I still need to blog. Till I feel not the need anymore. Till I don't care anymore.

I started, no, rather returned to blogging when I found Su, feeling the urge to share. It was the same case when I had troubled with Christine. To want a close friend and share my thoughts. Again I have failed. And failed badly, as they don't want any contact with me. I was better off not telling them that I see them as my close friends. I know I will still hold them close to my heart long after they have disappeared from my life. That is me, a fool and a dreamer. A dreamer who is now without dream.

Lost friendship and lost dream. I have lost hope in myself. Maybe this will be the last time I will write my feeling. I am feeling emotional again. So what ... I can always cry to myself ....

I will move on, yes, don't worry. It is not my first time. I can never be used to being alone, but I have lived through it. I am disillusioned, sad that except my family, I can't have anybody else. But since it is how it will be, then I have to accept my Fate.

One good thing about having no friend .... at least I don't have to show my tears to anyone. I will cry alone.