Being emo, being friend ...

I saw Su, she looks fine but don't know as only seen her from afar. I haven't talked to her yet. I don't know. Maybe I should let her think that I don't care. She wants it that way.

I miss her and Nd. Without real friends, it is empty working here, nothing to look forward to. It is meaningless just doing and working aimlessly, so mechanical, but this is the way I am now. I let myself help out some of the other colleagues, to pass the time, those few that are nice to me. But it is not the same, I don't feel the same about them. I see them as only colleagues who I will not hear of again if none of us work here. They will not care, and I will not care. That suits me fine.

I can see others having close friendship but I can only dream of it. I guess being of the other sex, and maybe older, doesn't make me a good candidate for them. It is just too bad that those I seek, always tend to be female. I can't help it. I didn't choose, it happened. I can't deny my feeling of who I feel good with.

I am being emotional again! I am an emo person, I guess. Simple thing can make me cry. Like the other day, when Nd smsed me. It may be just a simple gesture by her, but coming from her, I can't help feeling tears coming.

Maybe that is why I rather I don't receive anything from them. I want to be the only giver. I want to be the Santa! To be able to give myself to those I care, that is enough if I can make them happy.

I don't like to consider myself nice. I am not. I don't want them to tell me I'm nice either. It is like "Hey, you are nice, but don't call me, I will call you" and they usually don't. In the past, it is like that. People said I am nice, but if I am, then why don't they want me as their close friends.

Maybe being bad is better. Maybe this year, somebody will say I am bad. Who knows, maybe people will ask me to be their friend. But then, I don't want a friend anymore ...