Heroes

I was born not knowing why things happened around me, and why I did what I did, I could do what I could do. Nobody told me about my power, maybe nobody did. They gave me a name, danceal, a name that one day the whole world will know. A name that is nothing and yet ... means something to somebody. For now, my name means nothing.

I have learnt that there are others like me, people with special gifts. Some will call us freak ... while others will call us heroes ...




Okay ... somebody forgot to add my photo with the group. But then it will ruin the photo with a beheaded danceal in it. Oh well ...

Heroes Season 2 is on Starhub StarWorld Ch18. I was hooked on season 1, and this is what I was waiting for ever since the final episode in season 1.

Super something ....

Watched part of Superman Returns again. The scene where he was out in space, listening to the world, all the noises, of people crying for help ... having power can be a blessing ... or a curse.

With great power comes great responsibility. Yes, I know, this phrase is attached to another superhero, my favourite too. But it applies to all, as they have the ability to use their powers for the good of the human race, or abuse them.

Sometimes I wish I have some power, to be able to save the world. I have to accept the burden of having the ability to help. But then, I am already doing it without any superpower. But only helping some mundane things, helping fellow colleagues in a small world know as workplace. Sometimes I wish I can be less passionate. Sometimes I wish I can be a bad guy, so many times I told myself the bad guys get the rewards ... and the girls haha. Good guys only suffer.

I don't help others to expect something in returns. Like Superman in Superman Returns, when he stopped the plane from crashing into the stadium, the cheers from the crowd, their smiling faces, that is enough reward. Or is it? Maybe something in me wants something. Only thing is I don't ask. Maybe that is why I feel something is still missing in my life.

Life is complicated ... and short. If one misses something, one may never get a chance to find it back. That is reality.

I want to be Superman, or Spiderman. Maybe in a way ..... I am. So maybe this posting should be called Danceal Returns!

Hehe ..

Shopping

"I seek my husband opinion, and he said whatever you think is okay. He is useless, I need an opinion at that time. I wished my girlfriends are around. They make better shopping companions."

Well, if I was around, I will give my view. I make good shopping companion too. But I didn't tell her. Not that she will ask me, girls don't like guys with them shopping. Too bad for me.

Shopping again for me the last few days. What else is there for me, haha.

I couldn't even go clubbing as nobody to go with if my dear don't feel like going.

Portrait of .....

... the ever-dashing furry Choco, the guinea pig who think he is a dog.

Lost Friendship, Lost Dream

The last couple of days has been busy trying to burn the DVD for Nd. It was not easy, I faced problems after problems. But finally, I did it. I just hope she will be able to play it. In the past, my attempts to give her some videos to watch didn't turn out well. I don't mind the time and effort, as long as she can enjoy the video. That is all I want.


Su didn't reply to my sms. haiz ...

I had thought that things will change after she came back, but I guess it didn't. I am so disappointed. That day, I finally came to a decision.

I still care, and I suppose I will still do. All I want is her friendship, so simple but yet I can't get. She will always be my friend no matter how she treats me. I still want to be there for her.

"A listening ear" ... so often people had said those words, but how many really mean it? Su had said it, but she wasn't willing when I needed her. I don't blame her. Maybe I am a fool, but I am always willing to be a listening ear if she needs one. Whether her or Nd, or the others if they need one, for I mean every word when I say I am willing to be there for them. For I treasure my friends, at least those I consider my friends, as in reality, I have no friend.

And so ... is this how it will end? I am drained, so tired in trying to gain her friendship. I know I will still see her as a special friend, willing to help her if I can. She could have helped me a lot. Now, it will only be me helping her if I think she needs any.

I have already decided to close my feeling. It isn't easy having found people I want to share them with, but I am going to try to keep it within me again, since they were not really willing to listen. It wasn't meant for me to share.

I don't know how I will go about blogging, I don't want to show my fear and weakness. Telling them has failed me, makes me lose what I wanted the most .. that is close friend. I don't know what direction my blogging will go yet, what I should blog more, maybe I will just blog about events. Time and time again, I want to stop. But I got things I want to say. To you readers and also for my memory. I still need to blog. Till I feel not the need anymore. Till I don't care anymore.

I started, no, rather returned to blogging when I found Su, feeling the urge to share. It was the same case when I had troubled with Christine. To want a close friend and share my thoughts. Again I have failed. And failed badly, as they don't want any contact with me. I was better off not telling them that I see them as my close friends. I know I will still hold them close to my heart long after they have disappeared from my life. That is me, a fool and a dreamer. A dreamer who is now without dream.

Lost friendship and lost dream. I have lost hope in myself. Maybe this will be the last time I will write my feeling. I am feeling emotional again. So what ... I can always cry to myself ....

I will move on, yes, don't worry. It is not my first time. I can never be used to being alone, but I have lived through it. I am disillusioned, sad that except my family, I can't have anybody else. But since it is how it will be, then I have to accept my Fate.

One good thing about having no friend .... at least I don't have to show my tears to anyone. I will cry alone.

Hougang

Weekend was fun .. in that I get to explore a new place.



I finally decided to take the shuttlebus from Parkway to Sengkang, and then the mrt to Hougang. Though I have taken it to Sengkang before, in the previous two trips, I only stopped at Compass Point. This time, I decided to pay a visit to Hougang, which I had meaning to go for some time. And the shuttlebus makes it available to get there easier,


So Hello Hougang Mall! Everytime I go to a new mall, I get this strange feeling like as if I am visiting another country shopping centre haha. I know it is weird feeling since it is just another mall in Sg, and almost every mall in Sg has the same retail outlets. But hey, to me it is a new Experience somehow. It feels fresh. New surrounding, and food experience. And as usual, looking out for bargains, as afterall, it is a shopping mall hahaha.


The food court is interestingly chinese, but do they have to play those songs? think it is Teochew. Not that I have anything against the songs, just that I don't feel it is appropriate for diners in a multi-racial environment. Lucky for us patrons, the noise from the diners outlevelled the songs.


Well, not only did I went Hougang Mall on Saturday, I went down again on Sunday. Twice! Oh hey, only had abt three and a half hours on Saturday, didn't finish my shopping yet. And also I forgot to buy this on Saturday ...


Munchy Donut! haha

I had to go back to get my donuts, or I will be thinking about it the whole week. Hey, I can't help it if I salivate thinking about it, and it wouldn't look nice if it happens while I am working. That is unprofessional haha.

Speaking of wetness, no not that kind of wetness, but rain .. it was raining heavily when I reached Hougang on Saturday. And then on Sunday, it happened to rain just as I was about to leave Hougang. Something to make me remember Hougang by ;-)

Just Justin!

This videos was taken off my handphone as I got problem with the original video.




This song is special to me as it reminded me of someone who helped me though she didn't quite understand it. She will always be a special friend to me, though we couldn't be real friends.




I am sure you gerls will like the last part of the dance. Well, guys do too haha.

Justin is a great performer. If you can, try to catch this concert, Justin Timberlake - Futuresex/Loveshow. He is awesome! Dancing, singing and playing muscial instruments, not many performers can do this.

Being emo, being friend ...

I saw Su, she looks fine but don't know as only seen her from afar. I haven't talked to her yet. I don't know. Maybe I should let her think that I don't care. She wants it that way.

I miss her and Nd. Without real friends, it is empty working here, nothing to look forward to. It is meaningless just doing and working aimlessly, so mechanical, but this is the way I am now. I let myself help out some of the other colleagues, to pass the time, those few that are nice to me. But it is not the same, I don't feel the same about them. I see them as only colleagues who I will not hear of again if none of us work here. They will not care, and I will not care. That suits me fine.

I can see others having close friendship but I can only dream of it. I guess being of the other sex, and maybe older, doesn't make me a good candidate for them. It is just too bad that those I seek, always tend to be female. I can't help it. I didn't choose, it happened. I can't deny my feeling of who I feel good with.

I am being emotional again! I am an emo person, I guess. Simple thing can make me cry. Like the other day, when Nd smsed me. It may be just a simple gesture by her, but coming from her, I can't help feeling tears coming.

Maybe that is why I rather I don't receive anything from them. I want to be the only giver. I want to be the Santa! To be able to give myself to those I care, that is enough if I can make them happy.

I don't like to consider myself nice. I am not. I don't want them to tell me I'm nice either. It is like "Hey, you are nice, but don't call me, I will call you" and they usually don't. In the past, it is like that. People said I am nice, but if I am, then why don't they want me as their close friends.

Maybe being bad is better. Maybe this year, somebody will say I am bad. Who knows, maybe people will ask me to be their friend. But then, I don't want a friend anymore ...

Chocolate and everything nice ...

INDULGE! Chocolate, that is. I am back to a chocolate-a-day routine. Nope, not a whole 100g or 200g bar, though I really LOVE to do that, but maybe about 25g to 50g will do. At least! Haha.

This are the chocolate that I have in my fridge, hmmm ... so little, think I have to do more shopping soon hehe. I do favour the dark version.

Yesterday went down to Changing Appetite to have my slices of cakes, ordered RNR cheesecake and carrot cake, nope, not the local version but real traditional carrot cake. CA cakes are nice, and at 50% off, it is really worth coming down to eat. They had this promotion of deep-fried tortilla with chicken stuffing, can't remember what they called it. Not too bad, and it comes with avocado dipping. Yummy yum yum! I love this avocado dipping, but wish it would have come in a bigger portion. I could have eaten it as a side dish hahaha. Wish Zana could taste it with me hehe. Maybe she will like it too.

Had ordered the fish and chips as well, and it proved too much for me though. Think my stomach had shrunken, I could barely finish it. Maybe it was still too early for me as only eaten about 2hours ago, and the food hasn't really digested inside me. Just consoling myself for my poor appetite haha.

Sometimes I wish I have a friend who can drive us around so we can check out more food outlets. As it is, my dear and I only frequent mostly Tampines and Suntec, and usually the same outlets. I want to go further but usually we don't have the time. The journey will have taken too much time. Sometimes I wish I can drive. Singapore may be small, but without a car, there are still many places that are not convenient to go to without one's own wheel. Or a friend who has one.

Yesterday we were at Dorothy Perkins, and saw some items on sale. I saw this top, and couldn't help buying for myself too haha. Of course, with a little innovation, I should be able to pass it as a Gents haha. You know what, the sign said 2 for $9, 1 for me, and the other for my dear, but saw the bill as $1.50 and $4.50 for both of them. That is at least 80% discount for the 2 tops. Now that is what I called a SALE!
Too bad there is only limited item that is suitable for me ;-)

Okay ... a little reminder here for me to buy more chocolate ....

You Can Dance

So You Think You Can Dance. I can't help but admire the contestants. They are all so good.

Like Debbie Allen said, it is amazing how they can do a beautiful job of learning the various dance forms in a short time. B-Boys and B-Girls doing lyrical,This show is an opener for dancers and audience alike to learn the various dance form and language. A credit to the art of dance. Long Live Dancing!

Also to watch is the choreography, and one well-known choreographer that was recently on our shore is Wade Robson. So far, got to see two of his works, and indeed they are so unique and fantastic to watch. All the judges were all praises for his contributions. He managed to combined the dancers abilities and work them into his choreography. Awesome!

So I think I can DANCE again? I don't know, I am feeling a little disappointed with the dance group. Maybe it isn't for me, I don't feel like I belong there, though I want to, so much. Only time will tell if I can perform again ....

Just 4 days into 2008

I have a good two days of the New Year, then my luck ran out. I lost my wallet, and keypurse. There wasn't much money, but some treasures were inside, now it can only be memories for me, though that will be shortlived as I have doubt over my capability to remember in the long term.

It is a hassle to go to the bank to get replacement for my atm cards. There is always a long gueue. This was the second time I lost my wallet. Lucky for me, I didn't put my ic in there again, had it in my secondary wallet.

This happened just before I got sick that day. I wonder when the pain will strike again, for I am sure it will. Nah, don't want to think about it ...

Work as usual was routine, in a bad sense that is haha. I don't want to say much about the rosterer as they probably had their limitation, I want to be kind to them, after all, they are making a living just like me. That said, I find they make bad rostering nevertheless. Something could have been done to help the staff, to make all of us at least find work more enjoyable. For me, work is all I have, I don't expect my fellow colleagues to make my workplace a more memorable place for me. Not anymore. I have drained myself of any expectation. I am here to work. Work is what I will expect. Forget about finding friends, true or close. If they are not interested, I will ignore the feeling inside.

Yesterday was another long day at work, and another quiet time for me. Quiet in that I was alone in company. Though Adik was working, we didn't get to chat, besides the hello and goodbye. I didn't feel like talking to anyone else. I know I can be real quiet at times. If not for the customer which I can't help but to open my mouth, I can remain silence throughout the day. If I can't chat with those I really want to, I don't see any reason to talk to the others if they don't want to talk to me.

Today is off day. I just came back from the bank to get one of my atm card replaced, another one more to go, as that bank was too crowded and I didn't want to wait. A quick rush to Cold Storage to buy the Honey Glazed Chicken for the kids, and back home. I want to go out later, but haven't decide where to yet.

Today Britney was in the news again. I don't care what others think about her. Britney is still a young lady who is still figuring out about who she is. If not for her celebrity status, nobody will try to find her mistakes and blow it up. To me, she is still an excellent performer and dancer. She may be heavier than before, but she is not fat. Besides, it doesn't mean fat people can't dance, some even dance better than those skinny people. Size does not matter. Why don't some people stop picking on others' mistakes and let them live their lives?

That goes the same to some people from my workplace. Nobody is perfect, we learn from our mistakes. Again and again. That is if we are the one who did the mistakes. Don't jump to conclusion without finding the fact. Now who is the one making the mistakes then?

And the latest news about me ... I realise I have NOT pay my phone bill. Shit!!

The new year also brings on new problem, though the old one may not disappear. We live in an imperfect whole. I can only hope we can get through another year without killing ourselves ....

Pain attack

I had the pain attack again yesterday. Haven't felt it for a while, and it was really painful, could hardly move without feeling the pain. Sitting down was okay but the moment I stood up I felt it. I shouldn't have gone to Parkway, it was a torture trying to head back home, I could hardly walk my way to the bus-stop, then from the bus-stop to my home. Gosh, it really hurt.

I was lucky Nd responsed to my sms. I guess I needed someone to sympathise my pain. I guess everyone needs a listening ear, just whether one can get one when it is needed the most. I know I can't depend on Nd to be there everytime, I am not even a friend, just a colleague. But I do seem to want her comfort when I am troubled. Fate is so unfair to let me find someone, yet not able to do more about it.

Risk ... I was told not to take unnecessary risk. At my age, maybe I shouldn't bother about taking risk. Sooner or later, my time will come. Why bother to spend unnecessary money on things, when it can be use to better use!

Talking about risk, I took another risk at work yesterday, ignoring what I had to do, but instead went to the aid of this lady with a infant in arms. She needed help. It wasn't the first time I ignored my duty, previously it was to help my fellow colleagues. At least I could do what I enjoy, helping people I care. I wish I can always help all of them, at least it gives meaning to my life.

I need to give myself ... then I feel more fulfill. I feel needed.

Into 2008 ....

2008 ... another new beginning ....



I did posting of this subject at myspace and moblog. Can't help it, this show "So You Think You Can Dance" is so inspirational for me. I can't get to perform, but watching the dancers do compete and dance, I can't help but feel for them. They show the world what dancing is all about. It is tough, but how wonderful it is once perfected.

Dancing was my life, and still is ..... at least it still is in my heart.

Adik didnt receive my mms, just not my luck. If only we could sms like before. I miss Adik. She had made me happy with her smses previously. It was through the sms that I find myself seeing her as a friend. And treat her like my daughter. If only we could really be friends, close friends.

What is New?

Ended the year 2007 without any bang or spark. I am rather disappointed, but I suppose I should expect it.

On the eve of the New Year, I was at work but none of my "favourite colleagues" were there. Did see Sab for a while but only a while as she finished work as I started. I didn't get to see Nd, nor Adik Y. I really wish I could have, it would have been a good end to the year. Haiz ...

The rest from my team, those working, was disappointing, as expected. It doesn't matter any more, as I am not expecting anything from them now. If only my "favourite colleagues" were there ....

And so end the year, me alone at work, as that was the feeling I felt.