Suhaili, my friend ...

Suhaili's birthday is tomorrow. Just like the others I care as well, I can't share the celebration. She isn't even talking to me. Yet she was the one who makes me want to have friends again.

Back then, she had given me hope, she even said to come to her if I needed to share my problem. But I was wrong to think it was possible. To have her as my best friend. I have lost whatever chance I may have. Yet, she will still be important person to me. I still care for her, as a friend. Friendship comes from the heart, which doesn't stop just because one say it stops.

She could have make the difference to my life. I could have a best friend. And in a way it did, when I met her. Yet not much. I have found others to care, like Nordiana and Adik. There are others, online and offline, a few who have meant alot to me throught interacting with them. But they are also at a distance, as I am nothing to them. I suppose it has to be enough. It is empty, but enough. I can't ask for more, as I will only be disappointed.

It is hard .... being at work. I am often reminded of how nobody needs me around. It happened again yesterday. Those that I want to want me. I want to be around them. Others whom I often heard them complaining, but still they will happily chat with them. But they are not interested in chatting with me.

I have no option ... I need close friends, but friendship is two way. I am just one. And ONE is a number I will be. The way it was, the way it is now, and the way it will be.

Suhaili will always be my friend. Happy Birthday my friend!

Dentist and Dark Knight

Finally, I ate ice cream again!


The dentist had told me not to eat anything too hot or too cold for two weeks, well, I have been a good boy haha. The dental experience wasn't too good, I hate the smell when the dentist cleaned or did whatever thning inside my mouth. That day, when the dentist clamped something, it grabbed part of my lip. It was quite painful, but I kept quiet, not easy trying to speak when your mouth was fully opened and things poking into your mouth!

So I went to Just Noodle at Suntec to have my fill of ice cream. This restaurant doesnt only sell noodle in spite of its name, but I wasn't there for the noodle anyway, but its free flow of ice cream haha.

I watched The Dark Knight, and I love the movie. The Batman is as human as you or me, yet every bit a hero. Worthy of mention is Heath Legder, who is as good as they said he was. I will miss him. I remember him in The Partriot with Mel Gibson. But Christian Bale stands out as the Batman as well, with or without the mask.


And so, that was my encounter with people of the mask!

A new week starts ...

G900 and me ... and Adik birthday

My new handphone, SE G900! It is not the perfect one, some function is not as easy as my Nokia E51, but I like the look. I chose the red model haha.

Yesterday was Adik birthday, Happy Birthday Adik! As much as I like to spend time with her on her birthday, I have never given the chance. But as long as she has her other friends to do so, I am happy for her.

Shopping madman

Tomorrow is my day of finding out the truth. So what will be the result?

Been another week of shopping, which I know I have to cut back my spending. Yesterday when I was at Mango, I noticed something, which I knew but it came back to me again. Most of the guys who accompanied their female partners tend to just watch as she dd the shopping. Most hardly put any effort in the shopping adventure. Maybe that is why most girls don't bother to have their boyfriends or spouse accompany them when they go shopping. The guy may as well be a block of wood. And the guy probably wish he is somewhere else.

For me, I like shopping. I am involved in the shopping adventure itself. I will rampage through the clothings on sale as much as my partner. I will even go the extend of looking for the size she wants. That is me, the mad-shopper haha.

If any guy reads this, go and be involved in her shopping!

I am feeling down again. Among other things, Adik didn't want be to do the countdown. I am disappointed as it means a lot to me. Haiz .....

Helping hand

I wish I could go KL this weekend, but I can't. I want to take another break. I feeling frustrated again.

At least I managed to help a couple of colleagues, helping people at least distract me from my frustration. I hate to work, but working makes me forget that I don't have anyone to spend time with when I am on break. I am willing to forfeit my break if I can find someone to be with, even if it is work. I want to feel useful, that I am wanted by those I like. I will not be like before. I will only spare my time to those I want to help.

Also, there was another person I had helped yesterday. It was hard trying to persuade her to let me help her. I hope I was able to relieve her of some of her problems.

Another week is passing. The checkup is nearing. I don't know how it will go.

If only I have someone to club with regularly. Yet, maybe I shouldn't dream of clubbing. Sometimes I do wish I have someone to go clubbing with regularly. At least there will be something to look forward to. It would help lessen my frustration.

It is frustrating seeing others spending time together but I can't .... but I want to be happy for them. At least they don't have to be like me .... being friendless!

There is a difference between wanting to be alone, and being left alone.

Wanting to be wanted

I was hoping for the last couple of years that I would get to see her, finally I did on Sunday, but it was a disappointment. She didn't seem keen on talking to me, the same as at work. Have I totally lost any chance of being her friend? I wish she could give me another chance. I need her friendship still.

I need her, I need all of them. I can't do it alone.

Everybody wants to feel wanted ... by those he cares. His family, as well as his friends or at least those he wishes can be. Life is a mess. One shouldn't be alone. I don't want to be alone. Had been the first half century, I want the remaining half, if I get to live that long, to be filled with friends, especially since I have found them.

Even Faliza didn't seem interested. Or Adik Yulie.

I wish I had done more for Nordiana on her birthday, instead of just giving her a book. But I am glad that at least she is talking to me, and replying to my smses.

I depend on sms to keep in touch. If only they know how important it is to me ....

If only they want me as much as I want their friendship. I want to be wanted ....

not clubbing

Who am I to want to go clubbing? Clubbing is for the young and those with friends. I am not young and I don't have any friends that I can ask around if they are interested in going, just because I want to go.

I have been to club before, alone. It wasn't any fun as I like it to be. I couldn't share the joy I had in listening to the music, or having fun on the dancefloor with someone. I could only listen, watch as others enjoyed the night with their friends. With a smile on my face, but tears in my heart. I don't want to do that again.

I wish I can have friends who want to go clubbing with me. I wish I can go clubbing. I wish I have friends ...

Food and good company ...

Today, I had nasi lemak, after a long absent of eating this local dish. I had a craving for this a month ago, but with the sore throat and bad cough, I had opt to miss it for a while. I still have my cough, but heck lah, after seeing a colleague eating it yesterday, I must eat it.And ate it I did haha.

Next on my craving list, is satay. It has been more than two years, longer than I missed nasi lemak. But wait, I didn't really miss eating nasi lemak, just feeling the urge to eat it. But as for satay, yes, I do miss it. Somehow I didn't get round to eating it. I suppose because the family are not too fond of eating this. I like satay, mutton and beef, with the ketupat and cucumber. And the peanut gravy must be thick and good.

If I don't find anybody to enjoy it with, I will have to do it alone then. This month is the final deadline for me to get my hand on satay!!

I know I can always eat alone. But I have been eating and doing things alone for as long as I could remember. I was hoping things would change. But having a family of my own, still doesn't guarantee that I will not do things alone. I don't have any friend that I could find if I want to go for eating session. Not many places are accessable too if one don't have any car of one's own. I depend on my dear if I want to eat, but sometimes she doesn't want to. I don't want to eat alone. Not anymore!


But it seems eating alone may have to be my option again. If I want to eat. I had hope when I met Suhaili. That I would have someone to go eat with, and a buddy to confide. It was not meant to be. I saw her today again. I was thinking, "Why can't I work with her?" Even if I can't be her friend, at least we could be working together. A chance to talk. A smile from her, that would have brighten my life at work. Maybe she would grow to like me as a friend. Maybe. If only I could work with Nordiana and the others too. It is so unfair, that people who don't like them get to work and talk to them, while I can't.

Again, my posting deviate to them, but I have always care so much for them. Each and everyone who has touched my life. Even those I have never met but only feel their presence online. Yes, I shouldn't hold back my feeling on my blog, for I don't know how long I will be blogging. For how long they will come to read my blog. I already fear that I have lost Fadhillah. haiz ... nothing last forever, no matter how much I want it to. Especially people that I wish can be my friends ... that I care.

I don't want to eat alone, but unless I stop eating, I have no choice but accept reality that eating alone is not an option. It is a way of life.

Food is to be share and enjoy among good companions. To have good food and great company, that is what delight the heart, and warm the soul.

Nope, this is not a quotation from any source, just my own. How I wish it can be applied to me ....

Remembering Troy

Saw the Director cut version of "Troy". One of the extra scenes was the preparation of Troy in anticipation of the Greek invasion. I could feel the tension in the air. I don't know how many times I watched the fight scene between Achilles and Hector. I really like the fight, though I don't like the death. Both of theirs.

I felt the loneliness of Achilles. I felt the desire of Achilles of wanting to be recognised. To be somebody. Sometimes I wish the same. To be remembered by those I wanted to befriend. Yet like what someone said in the movie, I know my name will disappear the moment I am gone. Achilles joined the battle to be remembered, not for the present generation or the next, but for eternity. He wanted people to talk about him long after. He succeeded. People will talk of Troy, and know Achilles. Do I have my Troy?

I have told myself so many times not to expect any, yet I couldn't help it when she suggested we ate at Subway. I really wish we could, but when we didn't, I felt disappointed. I don't blame her, just myself for hoping, for thinking it would be possible.

It didn't help that I want a friend companion this few days, yet I don't have any .... I shouldn't be disappointed as I know reality. Yet, I had hope, again. And again, when it didn't happen, I felt disappointed. Expectation again!

If only .... haiz .....