Today 27th of June

June 27th 2008, not a significant date to remember, or meaningful date of the year. But yet, it is a date that I have decided to include in my blog posting as something more than any other day, though it will still disappear into oblivion like the rest. Unless my memory can still recall them.

So what is good, or bad, about today? For one, I was back to morning shift, after such a long time, though there were a few in-between when someone changed shift with me. It is also the first day I was back at work after a bad sickness which I haven't had for some time, and one that found me getting MC which I had not taken for a long long time.

Today was also a day that I saw Suhaili, after months of not seeing her. When I saw her, all I wanted was to say hello to her, tell her "let's start all over again". I still need her friendship, she could help me. But I didn't say anything to her. Let her think that I have given up trying. Yes, I have given up, in wanting to rebuilding friendship with her. But I haven't stop caring and seeing her as a close friend, one that I will gladly help if she needs one.

Just as with Nordiana, and the others. I saw Nordiana too today, even smsed her. I really needed her companion too. But I will not look for it. She don't need me either. All of them have other friends to keep them company. I have them too, and yet I don't, in reality. Suhaili, Nordiana or Yulie, they don't need me, like I do them. I am just another colleague.

Yes, today I wrote their names instead of initial or nickname. This is my blog which I may one day turn to for reference because my memory has failed. I need to remember their names, instead of just a flicker of flashes that my memory try to relate.

There are others, whom my heart felt comfortable with, for who they are, and the joy they gave me with their occasional warmth. To me it means a lot. Farhana, Baidura, Sabrina, Norfaliza, Samsidar .... if only things can be different. Even Rozana, Fadhillah and Suhada, they have been more than just an online company. I found warmth when I read their blogs or chatting via msn. But .... I dare not ask for more. For I am sure to fail too. Even as today, I reached for Nordiana, in my hopelessness, if only she knew, but knowing I could not do more, I resign to my fate once again. I know I will break if I tried too many times but couldn't reach it. I am very tired. I need a close friend, a few good close friends would even be better still. And yet I know I shouldn't expect any. It has been too frustrating, having found those I seek, but can't do anything about it.

Today, as I sat there staring at the trees and yet not looking, my mind felt like it has been sucked of its energy. If there is any energy in the mind in the first place. I had a bad news a few days back, it is still yet to be confirmed, waiting for the appointment next month to know what will transact from there. It will be nice if I can spend time with all those who matter to me. Yet, maybe it will be pointless. They may be important to me, but it will not matter much to them if I didn't get to spend time with them. I should just remain an outsider.

As much as I like them to read my blog, to share my thoughts and feeling, as if I was telling them myself, I am feeling less certain if any of them wants to. I may like to know what is troubling them, but I doubt they will be interested in mine. Only a real friend will like to hear the bad as well as the good.

I have been a broken record so many times in my posting. That is because I blogged due to my inability to find a true friend that I can share with. And Friendship means a lot to me. It gives me direction and hope. Today 27th of June, once again, I am loosing direction and hope, that is because I am giving up on friendship. Yes, I will treasure them, always, but I will not hope to find any real friendship. It is beyond my ability to have any real friend.

Today 27th of June, I cry once again ......