Being there but not there

The other day, I saw Nd for the first time since she came back. We didn't talk much, just the usual hello and a few words. I was very happy to see her. I do miss her. But I know I can't expect things to be different as when before she left. Though I wish in my heart it could. I do need her help ...

Not only her, but the others too. Yesterday again I felt so depress when it struck me that I was unimportant. Especially when they are so important to me, forming part of my social existence. But to them, I may be non-existence. Maybe it is my warped thinking, but I couldn't help it when they don't bother to look for me in their activities. Or sms me. I know I can't expect them to, I am not really their friend. Just somebody who is there, and yet not necessary to be there.

I will still look after them. Yesterday I helped her again, even though I had felt sad in the first place because of her. I don't know, have I like her like the others? I can't help it, it is who I am, no matter how much I often tell myself not to. I still care and want to watch over them. Perhaps the father in me wants to be fatherly over those I care haha. I know I have to let go, give them room to breathe, otherwise I will frighten them away. I know too much of caring can be scaring to those who don't share the same feeling. Maybe making them think I have other motives or intentions in mind, when all I want is their friendship, to be their close and perhaps one of their best friends. Perhaps I am wrong in telling myself that I don't want anything from them in return. I want their friendship, isn't it wanting something in return? There is still a motive, even though I don't expect them to return that friendship.

Yesterday was Father's Day, and as usual, it was never as BIG a thing as Mother's Day. I didn't even get to see the kids as they were sleeping before I left for work, and already gone to bed by the time I came home. Only my dear and Adik wished me yesterday. Blackcat13 wished me this morning. I guess that is good enough.

A mother is like the pillar that support the house, while father is the wall that keeps and protect the house.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, but I am not surprised if I don't get to see her, or anything from her ...