I am scared ..

I have been a bad boy. I know she has said not to, but I can't help it. How else is she to reply to me if she is unable to? Maybe I am helping myself by helping her, maybe I am being selfish in a way. I don't know. Whether it is for her or myself that I am helping, I did it because I want to. I can't deny that I do care.

Somehow, expecting the result doesn't help in coping what to expect when I finally came to it. So ... it is finally happening. I am scared. I wish I can avoid it, but I can't. And so it will come to pass .....

Yet, it is scary thinking about it ....

This is happening, as I began to accept the truth. I will not have my close friends, the way I want it. I ate alone for the 1st time on Friday, after a long period of trying to avoid doing so. For doing so means I am going back to the way I was before, and there is no turning back. I don't want to be hurt again. When I opened myself to wanting someone close, I never realise that wanting a close friend can be so frustrating and elusive. Yes, casual friends are abundant, these people don't care if you are sad. I still care for the few, but I will not hope anymore.

A chapter has been closed. My heart will be closed.

I want to club, and I have until end of the month to do so. After that, I will not be able to for about three months. If only they will ask me along, but I know it will not likely to happen. And I don't want to get disappointed if I ask them and get rejected. This is getting too frustrating, not able to club, while those who get invite doesn't wish to club. Haiz ... I guess having close friends has its privileges.

Then, the moment I wish will not happen will come. I am scared ...