Attachment

I have to learn not to get myself attached to "friends". Afterall, it doesn't help me, as they don't feel the same way about me.

I used to think that if I keep in touch always, they would feel the bond with me. But it has been so many years, it hasn't make any difference. I am still not part of their circle. Sigh. I like to sms them, it is a way for me to chat with them. But it doesn't work. I don't get the response that I want. For all I know, I may be a nuisance with all the smses that I had sent. Suhaili did feel that way. And I lost every chance of being her friend.

If I don't contact them, I fear they will forget me. But even if I do, chances I will too. It is so hard to be their close friend. I shouldn't try anymore.

I am tired ... physically and emotionally. Physically as I find myself less fit. Used to have dancing, the passion help me to stay fit. Emotionally as I find my dream of having a real friend less tangible. Having someone but not having their friendship, it is a strain, so draining to want to gain their friendship. I don't want to try anymore. I will be lost, and empty, but maybe I will still manage my emptiness. I used to be able to, though I have changed now ...

Yes, I have wrote about this a number of occasions, I wasn't succesful of detaching myself from my dream of a real friend. I guess I have to try harder of forgetting this dream.

I wish myself luck.