Losing people that matter ...

I should have gone to see Siti Nurhaliza concert. I should have gone to see Maroon 5 concert. But I didn't.

I should have asked to spend time with Nd for the last time. But I didn't.

I should have changed my job a long time ago. But I didn't.

I should have .... there are a lot of things I should have done. But I didn't.

Time is move only in one direction. And it does.
I can't bring back the past.

:-(

I am losing people that matter, the nearest thing I have to having friends, who I need to be around me, but they are not. And I can't do anything about it. One by one, they are leaving my life. My comfort. My existence. And I know the others will disappear too, sooner or later.

That is the difference between being a friend to them, or just a casual acquaintance. I don't matter to them. But they are to me. It is so unfair, that I believe I can be a better friend to them, than some of theirs, and yet I can't be. Perhaps I am wrong, as I have never been able to proof that I can be a real friend in a long term. I never have someone close who is still in contact with me after so many years. Those I have liked, and meant a lot to me, have all disappeared.

I don't see any difference now. To them, I am just a casual aquaintance, just a colleague or someone they chat if they are free. They have others who they called friends, smsing and meeting up.

Maybe it is time I really really see reality. I CAN'T be someone close friend. Yes, I am being negative. I can't help it. I may not be but when people make me feel this way all the time, I can't help but feel inferior.

I may not go around asking everyone to be my friend, but time and time again, there are some who I like, and something inside me wish they can be my friend. It is only a wishful thinking.

Friends mean alot to me. I don't want to lose them. But I am losing each and everyone of them. Always.

I hate this feeling I have now ....