Flip this and that

Everyone knows how great the handphones in Japan are. While in Tokyo, again I saw for myself the range of handphones, and how I was overwhelmed with jealousy. I want one of theirs. Saw this two among the many that I like:

Got tv tuner. This flip opens like the one Andie used in Step Up2. I like!






This one got tv tuner too, and the screen rotate 90%. so cool! I like!


But too bad these phones can't be used in Sg. *sigh* I almost bought one of the simpler one, and cheaper, which was just as attractive. Maybe I should have and kept it as a souvenir hahaha.

So when this flip phone came out over the weekend, I can't help myself but buy it
SE Z770i. It may not be as cool as those I saw in Tokyo, but hey, I always had wanted a flip phone, now finally I have one. I should be satisfied ... should be .. for the time being haha.

Blame my latest handphone buy on my Japan trip lah, it stirred up my craze again hehe.

Prelude to Tokyo

I am already missing her. The workplace feels empty when there is nothing to expect. haiz ...

I want to blog about my trip. It had been a frustrating and stressful weeks before, during and after the trip. I don't know if it had comfort me. But I suppose I do not regret making the trip to Tokyo. I will try to put a better report in my next posting.

Tokyo is not my first time there, but I am still impressed by things over there. For one, I can never get over the salutation of the service there. Even if they may not be genuine, the impression one gets of being greeted was heartwarming. They welcomed you, thanked you, and said goodbye with many syllables, that even as I don't understand what they were saying, I felt that I was welcomed there. And the numerous bow one gets, make me humble too. Even when at the toilet, as I gave way to an elderly man, he bowed to say thanks. You don't get that here.

As usual, the keep to the left rule on the escalator was strictly enforced without anyone telling them to. If one sees someone standing side by side, he is a foreigner. And a few times I suspected being Singaporean by the sound of their voices. I am sad being associated with the same citizenship. Back home, one often finds them blocking everywhere, seldom giving way even when noticing me trying to pass them. Such disappointment.

Closer to my jobwise, I noticed a gesture that showed their politeness in handling customers. Instead of shouting as what is done here, I can see the staff approaching the passengers and bringing them to the counter. Throughout my trip, I can see act of courtesy by the service staff everywhere. I was following their head bowing after a day there too haha.

As a whole, the trip does help me ... in a way.

I had messaged her about my trip before I left. As I did before in the past. As I will in the future, though I will most unlikely able to from now on. I know I will think of her when I need to share, whether happy or sad stuff, but I will have to keep to myself from now on. I don't want to show I am a weakling, even if I am.

I need help. But I am not getting any. I shouldn't expect anymore. Life is unfair, but it is reality. It is good to have expectation, when there is sign of hope. I had tried these four/five years, but failed. Friendship can't be forced or impose upon, it is a two-way relationship. Hope is all bullshit in my case.

Yes I am angry, frustrated. I am drained of any hope for a fruitful relationship with those I cared about. And I had found them. What I wanted was simple, a close friend. With a family and a close friend, my life will be complete. Friendship has been very important to me. For a while it looked promising, but it don't like it nowaday. Everyone is keeping their distances. I depended on my handphone to keep in touch with them, but people don't seem to know that I have a handphone (well, I have several in reality, all with lines, but it is meaningless when it is so silent). I am not blaming anyone, how can I, when I still care for them. If anything, my poor fate is to blame. So, I may as well give up all hope.

This blog has been battered with my frustrations. I know it is annoying to read about, I am just posting as a diary for myself. Sorry, everyone. I will post about my trip on my next update, as I originally wanted to before I was sidetracked with emotion. Hopefully I can upload all my photos to friendster, got problems lately as couldn't upload my photos there. But I will blog about the trip as I want a memory of it.

Enuff said ...

Happy Easter, everyone!

Male plus Female equal to zero

I should be blogging about my trip, I want to, but I guess not today. Maybe my next posting ...

There was an article in Mind Your Body, a supplementary copy from the Straits Times, which caught my attention. I seldom read this supplement, but this week, there was a topic on opposite-sex friendship. The writer brought out points why usually it would not work out between a male-female relationship. I can't say I agree or disagree. I know the situation. It is hard even if is possible, as there will always be gossip from outsiders. True, and there are consequences. The writer admited it. The writer also touched on prevention to keep the situation in control.

It seem almost impossible for a male-female close friendship to last as would a male-male or female-female. Society is not helping with their suspicious and gossipy attitude. Friendship is from the heart. So what if there is some feeling attached. Feeling is what bind two people together. Marriage is consumption of friendship with sex fulfilling the passion. But two people don't need sex to bind and be intimate in relationship. That is what people called Friendship, one can say it is a marriage without the sex part haha.

It is always nice to see two males or two females bind with each other. Everyone will applause when they see such binding. One often sees it in movies, but in real life, it happens too, only that you don't get to see the dramas attached. But it is still there. In the movies, if it is a male-female, the plot will always have them falling in love and get married. As for real life scenario, I don't know, if there are any, the couple probably do it secretly else society will gossip. That is sad. Otherwise, we can see more such relationship in the open.

I know it is possible for a man to have platonic friendship with a female. I have felt it before. All I ask of them is their friendship. To be my close friend, my dear's friend, a family's friend. And her family will be my family too. Two families will be like one, as each supporting each other.

Friendship. True and close friendship. It is hard to have, when even the other party is not willing to give friendship a chance. Because of fear.

So in reality, opposite-sex friendship exists only in dreams!

That is sad ...

Society is imperfect and yet expects other to be perfect. Go fly kite lah!

Time and lost time

Today is Suhada's Birthday, Happy Birthday dear, may you have a wonderful birthday!

Losing people that I care about makes me ponder about friendship. Why do I bother so much about wanting a close friend? Eventually they will go their own way, forgetting about me. Not that I will truly gain their trust in wanting me as their close friend in the first place. They will not look for me if they need someone to confide. They have their other female friends, which probably they will feel closer with. I am willing but it is only a wish that will stay a wish. Even adik doesn't want to share with me her problems.

As long as people don't believe male/female can be close friends, really close platonic friendship, my dream will never come true. Not that I purposely go out and find any girl to ask if she want to be my close friend. And not everyone that I want as my friend I will share. Though I like adik and treat her like a daughter, I don't feel the need to want to confide with her. All I want is to help her with whatever I can .. if she allows me. I wrote about her in moblog long time ago when I started blogging, that wish still hasn't changed.

sometimes, someone will come into your life, and you feel comfortable with them, telling them about yourself that you will not talk about with others. I had felt that. Besides Christine, the only two other colleagues I was willing to share with was Su and then Nd. But all three wasn't willing to be my close friend. I still care for them, and still will even if we are not colleagues. That is being silly I know, not wanting to let go. But I suppose I need the dream, even if it will never come true. I want to feel wanted by them. All I can wish for is to be able to be of help if they ever need help or just be a listening ear. When you care for someone so much, it doesn't matter if they don't care about you. All that matter is that you can show your care for them.

In the beginning I had hope that having them as my friends, they can be my dear friends as well, as back then, she don't have any friend. They will be a family friends. Christine got along fine with my dear. Till she suddenly just decided not to be my friend. Both me and my dear lost. At least now my dear has friends from the gym. I am still without any. Colleagues yes, they exist only at workplace. I don't get to join them when they organise outside appointments. *sigh* I do feel disappointed, even during work whenever I see them making arrangement to meet up but not include me. But I am living with that. They don't see me as friends, just mere colleague. And colleagues don't have to hang around each other.

Soon, I will be losing Nd, just two days more. I didn't get much chance to work with her or the other, so they can't feel the closeness that one gets when working with someone all the time. I am not surprised I can't gain the friendship I wish from them. And without that chance of doing things together, I do not expect that things will be better in the future.

I am drained, frustration is so tiring. I want to close up my feeling but it isn't easy when I have someone in mind to tell it to. And yet can't. I don't want to, I told Nd when I accidentally spilled my problems to her. She always came to mind when I need to offload my thought, but I shouldn't. The way things are, all I want is to be there for her, no need for her to be there for me anymore. I am the one who sees her as a close friend.tha

She makes me tears 3 times in such a short time. When she gave me a christmas gift, then when she told me she is resigning. When I finally saw her name that she is finishing her contract from the amendment, thought I already knew it, I couldn't help stop the tears in my eyes. I am losing her ... really.

I do not wish to have someone close anymore, even if I am to find one again. Damn any feeling that I may feel towards someone. I don't want any expectation ... and ultimately disappointment, for it is always so. Yes, I did find closeness with someone before, but always it was so short a span before that person stopped. And I lost that contact with her. But before Christine about 5 years ago, I had never shared my feeling, she was the first that I found that I wanted to share and confide. And in the end, I found blogging as a release of my frustration.

Time and time again, I want to stop blogging as well. Maybe I should. Without the feeling of wanting to share, maybe I will be fine .... insanity is not a disease afterall.

Time is suppose to heal, but I don't want to heal. I want back my lost time.


I know a man is not suppose to cry, it is not macho .... but I can do nothing else, but to cry ....