Aches ... all over

This is killing me .... but what else do I have?

Next to dancing, I really wish I can have a best friend. But it is unlikely I will have any. Despite having a family, I feel lonely. It is like there is a gap in my life.

I can only turn to dancing, hoping to fill up whatever gap there is. But my body isn't what it used to be. I am feeling the aches all over my body from the rehearsals. My feet feel like it doesn't want to walk, my knees are back to giving me problem. My shoulder, my neck, all shouting for me to keep still. But I can't. I don't want to. For if I don't have my dance, I will go insane. I will feel empty of what makes me feel alive. Next to having friends to make me feel important, I need dancing for motivation.

There is only so much that having a family can do. I used to think that having a family will do. Just me and them. And nobody else. But it has left me being a frustrated man. Now .... it seems that being a frustrated man is the only thing to be.

A frustrated man who must dance with all the aches .... body and heart.

losing her ...

I miss her.

Losing her friendship sadden me. I still thought about the time we had chatting on msn. She was like a best friend .... well, she was my best friend in a way. We would chat almost everyday, talking about almost everything. Maybe I had been too honest with my opinion. I realised now that she wasn't keen on arguing with me when times we had different views. I was too honest about how I felt. I thought being friends one can give honest opinions. I guess I was wrong.

I guess I was wrong in more way than I thought. To me she may be a best friend, but I doubt now that I am to her. She just consider me an online acquaintance. It does make me sad realising this. I like her alot, and hoping we could be best friend online and maybe eventually as real best friend. Maybe I should have shown my face, if that was what could make her comfortable and trust that I really want to be her friend. I was thinking that true friends don't need that, but just honest relationship.

Sometimes being too honest with what we say doesn't work. Like in this case. I have lost someone I wanted to be a best friend. I miss chatting with her. I miss knowing how she is getting on, what she eats for lunch, if she have any breakfast. I miss knowing how her daughter is doing.

Most of all I miss her .... I miss our friendship.

Birthday and wishes

Today is Farhana's birthday, happy birthday Farhana!

I remember her birthday every year, as well as the others. But every year I never get to celebrate her birthday with her. I wish I can, but I dare not ask, for fear that she will reject my wish. I will be disappointed.

Recently, I finally did ask someone, and was disappointed. They mean a lot as friends to me. I wish they can be my close friends, but I accepted that I cannot be. I know I can be just another casual friend.

I want to share their special day with them. That is all I can ask. So the more I want, the more I will be disappointed if they say it isn't necessary. As long as I have the opportunity to stay in touch with them, I have to be satisfied with just sending birthday wishes to them. After all, it is their birthdays, more important is that their wishes are met.

Soon they will move on, most already do. But I will try to remember their birthdays still .... for memories of them are what that keep me sane in a friendless and lonely world of mine.

Family is not enough, we need friends ....

hip not hopping ...

After a year of non-exercise, I am finally doing something. Though it isn't easy doing hiphop at my age. The heart is willing but the body is aching haha.

I don't know how much effort they are putting into the performance, they may be getting the steps, but I don't see the style or energy. Dancing is not about remembering steps, but feeling the dance and putting up a great performance.

I am still trying, but I don't know if they see the style that should be executed. In the end, I am afraid that it may just be a dance, not hiphop, not the way that should be danced as choreographed by Ash. Yes, people may like it, but it will be a let-down.

I will really like to dance with real hiphop dancers.