Grant me my wish .... not

June is around the corner ....

Plenty of reasons to anticipate June.
GSS ....
School holidays ....
her appointment ...
after June will come July bonus ...
her birthday on the 17th ....
my annual leave ....
more birthdays ....
fun .... fun .... fun .... well, at least it should be fun if all is in place. But knowing from the past, not everything will be as I like it to be haha. I guess I will not expect it to be so this year either.

A good wish to have is spending the day on a friend's birthday. But it is not my birthday, so why should that wish come true? haha.

I have come to term with not having my wishes on my birthday either. Afterall, I will not be the only person on that day to make a wish.

"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."

caring from afar

It is really hard not doing what you actually want to do ...

Case 1 He saw Suhaili, opened the door for her, she did say thanks but nothing else. If only she had asked "how are you?" That would have given him hope. He still cared, and wanted her friendship.

Case 2 He had much to tell Didy, but often her answers were short and seem uninterested, unlike those he noticed she gave to others. He wanted to tell her his thoughts, as he had felt doing in the past, but feared being treated cold again.

Perhaps this was best, to care for someone from afar, anonymous even, giving whatever help, not necessary to the knowledge of the person, but will benefit that person.

He is used to that anyway.

They are not there ...

It felt weird not having the Malay colleagues around, which do happened once a while. Eversince I mix around more with the Malay girls, I have gotten so use to wanting them around.

The last two days had me not working with them. I miss them.

I am missing my other colleagues too, especially the 3. Not being able to work with them also mean I lose out getting to know them, and doing things together. And the chance of gaining their friendship ... not just being colleagues but real friends. But, haiz, I suppose it wouldn't make any difference. The fact is they don't need my friendship as much as I need them.

I have lost count how long it had been, but after so many years, I still miss not having them around. The memories may not be there much, but the heart still cares for them, as friends that were there when I needed some, even if it didn't last or being the companions as I wished them to be.

I know that even the present colleagues will not be there forever, like those people I knew before disappeared once we don't work together. Just because they are not there will not mean that they are not treasured in my heart.

Friendship means alot to me ....

(yes, another selfpity posting haha. but i really do miss their friendship ...)

Being there for me ...

What can I say but thanks Samsidar, for being the only person who has accompanied me even though she doesn't intend to eat. I do appreciate that alot. Even if we don't get to be close friend, I will remember it. And blogging about her makes sure I do haha.

I suppose giving up my hope of finding a close friend has lessened my feeling of wanting. I have gone back to the thing I used to do, to not wanting someone for company. If there are, good, if not, don't expect. Still, I do cry once a while, feeling the emptiness inside, of not having someone else besides my family. I still believe a person needs a close friend. Life shouldn't be revolved around your own family alone.

Yesterday I had a chance to talk to Suhaili, but it was only two lines, and about work. She didn't seem keen to talk to me. Like how she was before. Maybe she felt uneasy seeing me, I don't want to make it more. I have to acknowledge that I can't gain her friendship again. That makes me feel sad ... everytime. I still feel she would have make a good friend, she could have helped me.

It is sad that we can't always get what is good for us, that we can only make do with what we have, though I do appreciate having that. I suppose that is better than nothing. I can't help wondering, why do things have to be temporary? I wonder how long Samsidar how be there for me before I loose her companionship too. I don't want to think about that, only that she has been there for me.

I want ....

In my life there were alot of things I wanted to do, some I did, and many more I didn't get to do. Many things I like to do before I am 50yrs, but that number has already passed haha. Many things I can't do because I didn't have friends who could have helped me to pursue my interests. Some things can't be done alone.

If I have friends who share the same interest, I will be ... not in order of merit ...
a) mountain climbing ... but those high high one.
b) backpacking overseas .... short trip due still need my job.
c) horse riding ..... in a silver armour like those knights.
d) go-karting .... have always like the mini version.
e) scuba-diving ... so I can kiss the corals
f) pool/snooker/billiard champion .... even do the twirling like Tom Cruise in the movie *hehe*
g) basketball pro ... like to join the harlem globetrotter.
h) cycling ... bicycle that is, my days of motorbiking is over.
i) taking up archery and fencing at the same time ..... I am a modern day Robin Hood.
j) formed an allgirl band like the Pussycat Dolls ..... ok this is not possible haha.

If I have friends ... I can't even have someone to go movie or clubbing. Going to movies is such a casual event that many takes for granted, becuase they have friends. Who can I ask? I don't have any friend ...