Being there for me ...

What can I say but thanks Samsidar, for being the only person who has accompanied me even though she doesn't intend to eat. I do appreciate that alot. Even if we don't get to be close friend, I will remember it. And blogging about her makes sure I do haha.

I suppose giving up my hope of finding a close friend has lessened my feeling of wanting. I have gone back to the thing I used to do, to not wanting someone for company. If there are, good, if not, don't expect. Still, I do cry once a while, feeling the emptiness inside, of not having someone else besides my family. I still believe a person needs a close friend. Life shouldn't be revolved around your own family alone.

Yesterday I had a chance to talk to Suhaili, but it was only two lines, and about work. She didn't seem keen to talk to me. Like how she was before. Maybe she felt uneasy seeing me, I don't want to make it more. I have to acknowledge that I can't gain her friendship again. That makes me feel sad ... everytime. I still feel she would have make a good friend, she could have helped me.

It is sad that we can't always get what is good for us, that we can only make do with what we have, though I do appreciate having that. I suppose that is better than nothing. I can't help wondering, why do things have to be temporary? I wonder how long Samsidar how be there for me before I loose her companionship too. I don't want to think about that, only that she has been there for me.

I want ....

In my life there were alot of things I wanted to do, some I did, and many more I didn't get to do. Many things I like to do before I am 50yrs, but that number has already passed haha. Many things I can't do because I didn't have friends who could have helped me to pursue my interests. Some things can't be done alone.

If I have friends who share the same interest, I will be ... not in order of merit ...
a) mountain climbing ... but those high high one.
b) backpacking overseas .... short trip due still need my job.
c) horse riding ..... in a silver armour like those knights.
d) go-karting .... have always like the mini version.
e) scuba-diving ... so I can kiss the corals
f) pool/snooker/billiard champion .... even do the twirling like Tom Cruise in the movie *hehe*
g) basketball pro ... like to join the harlem globetrotter.
h) cycling ... bicycle that is, my days of motorbiking is over.
i) taking up archery and fencing at the same time ..... I am a modern day Robin Hood.
j) formed an allgirl band like the Pussycat Dolls ..... ok this is not possible haha.

If I have friends ... I can't even have someone to go movie or clubbing. Going to movies is such a casual event that many takes for granted, becuase they have friends. Who can I ask? I don't have any friend ...

Friends are for life ....

Looks like I will die early ...

A 10year Australian study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die earlier than those with fewer friends. Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships.

"Friendship is an undervalued resource. The consistent message of these studies is that friends make your life better." said a director of a centre for gerontology.

Fading Memories

Memory is only as good as one can remember. How I wish I can recall memories of things I valued, but sometimes it is not up to me.

I can't remember details. Things are vague, as my braincells loses or misplaced my memories.

I know they meant alot to me, but I can't remember details of the things we did. Just that they were and still are.

More than 4 years has passed, though I remember not the details, I still felt them in my heart, of wanting their friendship. The things I would do for them, even though I couldn't be with them. Like the writing of the lounge card invitation, though they asked me not to, I still did for them. It was the only link I had, as I couldn't work with them, no matter how much I wanted to. I could only do it when I was alone, using whatever spare time I had. I wanted to be able to do something for them. By doing things for them, I would feel I was with them. Yes, in my mind only.

Just as I did for Adik. Nobody asked me to stamp the pass for her, she didn't either. I wanted to help her. All of them. If I did something which would benefit them, I wouldn't mind doing on my own time. Breaktime meant nothing if I had nobody to spend the time with. So I drown myself in work, finding ways to help them, even if they were not present when I did it. Whether they were there or not was not an issue, though it would have been nice, all I wanted was to help to them with their work. No, I am not workaholic, just wanting to help friends. Friendaholic, maybe? If there is such a word haha.

I never stopped wishing that I could join them, whether be it working, or hanging out. Often I wish we were the same team again. I know it doesn't mean that they would accept me. At least then we could work together more often. But I couldn't. I hardly get to see them. And even if I see them, we don't get to talk, maybe the occasional "hello" and "goodbye".

My memory of them is fading, but not my feeling of what they were to me, a friend when I needed one. Yes, I didn't actually get to be their close friend, but thinking that they were had helped me. Even if it was for a while. Perhaps that was why they had lingered on in my memories more than others. That I had wished that we could be more than casual friends.

I don't dare to dream of it, I don't expect that we will, it takes two to be close friends.

One day my memories of them will be gone, along with how I felt about wanting their friendship. Right now, I may long for their friendship, very much. But soon, I may not even remember who they are. They will not remember me either.

Nobody knows the future. If I am lucky, maybe I still will remember them, of how they meant to me ..... but maybe not why. It is sad if I lose the only thing I have of them, my memories.

Adik Yulie, Nordiana and Suhaili ..... at least this posting will remember you.