Okay, I know that fasting only for a short time is as good as not fasting at all. So, I got no merit for fasting this way. Sigh ...
I do want to fast, but I do feel frustrated that I do not have company when it is time to break the fast, unlike my colleagues who had others sitting together as they broke fast together. I know it is between God and me, but I can't help wanting friends with me when I break fast. Sigh ... again I lose merit with this thinking.
So ... maybe I have the wrong thinking, I don't deserve any merit even if I do a full fasting. I do want to share and experience what the muslim do, even though I may not be a muslim and do not embrace Islam. It all started when I wanted someone to be my close friend, and she is a muslim. I thought I would make a better friend if I can understand the malay. I read about the Prophet and I was awe by Him. I began to want to learn more about him, and about muslim. I bought more books. But the trouble with me was I couldn't sustain reading in long shot, so I read bits by bits, which resulted in me forgetting what I had read before. Haiz ... it was rather frustrating trying to recall what I had read before.
Anyway, I never get her to accept me. But I found someone I admire, the Prophet Muhammed, which got me thinking about fasting when Ramadan came. That was two years ago. I started fasting in a shorter timing, once a while I did longer. The second year was better, with me getting almost a full fast most of the time. But then, I know that I didn't do a real fast, so I shouldn't expect any merit from Him. It was more of a personal endeavour.
All the while, I was still hoping that she and I could one day be friend, so I could tell her what I did, because she had motivated me, because I wanted to be a real friend to her. And I am still waiting ....
I want to fast, this year as well, but I am not motivated. I don't do it for religion, only my personal effort. So having friends to share when I break my fast, it would have given me more encouragement. I know it is wrong. But I am not religious. I did the fast because it is Ramadan. I feel good when I accomplished the length. But this year, I am feeling the frustration of not having gain anything this past 4 years. I feel that fasting is as empty for me as trying to win any of their friendship. Just as I have given up my effort to win their friendship, I find myself giving up to learn more about Islam.
I know I still have the desire to fast, more than ever for myself, maybe that is why I fasted several hours on the first and second day. But I don't look for the merit of doing it, I only do it because I want to.
I don't know if I will do it tomorrow, or the next. I can only say that, I still respect Him. And hope I will be forgiven.
