Friendship

Maybe it was stupid of me. I didn't want to annoy her again. But I think I did it again. I should have just kept to asking about S and stopped further sms. In trying to explain myself, I have made it worse.

There is no way of explaining to her that I truly see her and S as my closest friends, even though they may not regard me as one. Sometimes a person comes along, and somehow you feel comfortable with them, that you feel good when you are together, that you want them as your best friend. Someone you trust. Certain things are hard to explain. You just feel it. I felt it when I was with them. Maybe it would have worked if I was female too. Maybe it wouldn't. N has found a new friend, they seem close. I envy that girl. She gains N's friendship what I was trying for the whole of last year but in vain. Like I said before, it helps to foster the relationship when you got the opportunity to do things together often, friendship will blossom better. The bond is there. I didn't have that opportunity. At least I want to believe that, and not because they don't like me. haha. Okay, lighten up danceal, don't want to cry while writing this.

I hope S is alright. Something must be wrong to make her take a long leave of absence. I am worry but there is nothing else I can do. Without any news, I can only hope for the best for her. I want to sms her, but it may end up with her getting annoy at me as well. She has stated that I shouldn't message her when she is with her family.

This is giving me a headache, not knowing what is happening. Yes, if they want their privacy, I will respect that. I have always done that. I only want to know because I do care for them. Friendship has always been close to my heart. Even though often I may be the only person who cares about the friendship.

I didn't want to write about my friendship with them here. I had done plenty in moblog and myspace. I know there is a limit to what a person will want to read, before he finds it irritating. I have been an irritating person to those I want to care. It is time I let them be. I can only be a friend from a distant, hoping I may get to help them from time to time.

What is friendship without being there when they need it.

I am still a sms addict. I have lost everyone that I could and want to sms to. Sms had helped me to convey my thoughts but it is also maybe why they have stopped replying. No, it is the reason why I lost them. Who wants to receive sms about someone who is not your friend? Now, the only way to please my crave is to type out what I will want to message them, then instead of sending it, will delete it. I will not expect to get any reply this way, at least I know the reason why there is no reply now haha. This is what I am doing now, and will be doing. I still want to message them, but I know I shouldn't. Hopefully my addiction will stop, though it has been two years and I still find the need to sms. I know I will still check regulary for any incoming sms, though I know I will not find any from those I want to hear from.

Haiz ... if only friendship is less complicated. If only every person you wish to have as your close friend feel the same way too. But the reality is not like that. The pain of friendship, makes you treasure those you care even more if they accept you.

Funny thing is, even if they don't accept me, I will still treasure them. I know they will make good friends, even if it is to someone else, and not me.

This post started all because I wish to know how S is. S is the 1st person I wish to have as my close friend since I lost Chris. I can only hope and pray she will be fine.

Web and Wet

I saw Spider-Man 3

Good vs Evil in everyone of us! Yes, Peter Parker has to decide who he really is or want to be. Revenge may be sweet, but what do we gain, besides satisfaction of seeing "justice" done? Only we ourselves have the answer.


A man is his own enemy. The battle is within as much as on the outside.

Boy, used to be when you need to take a leak, you could rush to the toilet within the hall and back in no time to carry on the show, costing only a few minutes. Nowaday, one has to go outside to look for the toilet, losing precious time and may make you lose ten minutes at least of your screen time. There were moments when I felt like crying at some tender scenes, but I had to hold back, as I feared that the liquid that flowed would be more than from my eyes. I had already taken a leak before the show started, mind you. Heck, less than an hour into the movie and I was feeling heavy on the bladder. Had to control till the movie end. What to do! Don't want to miss any part of the movie lah.

Spider-Man 3 also sees Peter dancing! I like it hahaha.

If someone will ask me if I want to see the movie again, I will gladly say yes. I know I will definitely get the dvd or vcd. And watch it on tv when it is telecasted haha.

As Stan Lee would say, Enuff said.

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My ankle still hurts. And I haven't been dancing for a while. It will get worse if I performance again. But I need to .... to keep me going ..... now more than ever.

May 2

I usually do not bother to check the links to her friends. But when she didn't log in on Monday, and didn't reply to my im, I feared for the worst. So checked her friend's blog, found out that her grandfather has passed away. Though I don't know both of them personally, I can't help feeling sad for her. May he rest in peace! Hope jas will be okay.

There is this anonymous creep who keeps bothering jas and now, as I discovered, bothering her friend too. I know that when we create a tagboard, we are opened to strangers as well as friends. I suppose there is nothing else to do about it, short of taking the tagboard away. But then, it will mean putting an end to the interactive part of the blog, which is one interesting ingredient of having a blog. I guess this is the hazard we must face. Having a tagboard opens the door to spammers and annoying taggers, but it also help to link one to online friends. Tagboards have help me to chat with some very nice bloggers. That is why I have added a tagboard to my blog. Hopefully they will tag me haha.

Yesterday I got reprimanded for my work. Okay, I knew I was slow, I had trouble with the system. I did my best to correct it as fast I could. But it seemed I had taken 45mins as they said, way too long. He lectured me too like it was 45mins. If they wanted to blacklist me, there is nothing else I can do. Frankly I don't bother anymore. Even when there was a hint of threatening to fire me.

I do care about retaining this job, I need the money. But I don't know how much I can take working here feeling depressed. I need friends. Friends are the only way to help one cope with stress. But it seems unlikely that I will get from those I really want to be my friends here. Hey, heck, I don't even have anyone anywhere. One that I can turn to anytime.

I am lucky if someone reply at all to my sms. Otherwise my handphone only beeps to incoming adverts and promotional smses, or when someone want to change shift with me. Seem people only think of me when they want to change shift.

I did get a reply message from someone yesterday, it doesn't matter if it was long delayed, but I am happy just getting a reply at all. Hearing from her did lifted up my mood. It was the second time she messaged me while I was here, while I was feeling moody at this regular hideout, a place where there are plenty of people, and yet I feel that I am alone. Maybe the trees in front of me give me the illusion that I am somewhere else. Or simply I think I am invisible haha. I do seem invisible as nobody talks to me, and I talk to nobody. This is the spot where I went to when I had friendship trouble with Chris. It is a place where I do some thinking (heck I do that everywhere actually haha), contemplate on issues, daydreaming, do some reading when I am in the mood. Or just simply to defrost from the air-con.

I can only daydream about friendship. Maybe it is impossible for me to find close friends, as the people I wish will be are always from the opposite sex, which is doom from the start for not many people are willing to accept male-female close friendship, which people don't believe is possible.

Life is short. Their lives will go on ... with or without me.

Labour

Today is Labour Day, or May Day as it is called here. So what is May Day to you? It doesn't make any impact on me as I will still be working.

When I think of "labour", I don't relate to workers sweating (and cursing?) their lives to a job they may or not enjoy doing. When I think of "labour", my mind relates the word to an expectant mother, perspiring and breathing heavily as she awaits her child to enter the world. I can't say I know how it feels going through the pain, but having share the experience before, I will advice any guy to appreciate the woman he makes love to and for putting her into such pain. She deserves more from you than sex.

Perhaps the greatest "labourer" is the mother, she who don't even get a day off from being a mother. And she don't get pay for her continuous work in bringing up her child.

A mother is not an easy job, and not everyone qualifies. There is no degree or diploma for someone to pursue to learn the finer art of being a mother. But the job demands the greatest talent from the person who choose to undertake it. Perhaps someone should start a course in the finer art to be a mother.

Maybe Labour Day should be dedicated to mothers of the world too, and let them have a day off, away from the children. Afterall, Mother's Day is a day of celebration with the children, so let today be a day for her to do whatever she wants, with whoever she wants ... and not with her children.

Happy Labour Day! Happy May Day!