letting you down

I am sorry ...

You were among the few that had let me join when having meal break. The last few weeks, I was always alone during my break. The last time I had company was with you. Yesterday, it happened that she asked me to join her. I had avoided her the previous time, when you wanted us to go together. That time, she had asked me first before you. But I would rather go with you. I didn't want to say no to her, then went with you, so I didn't go with either of you, choosing to eat alone instead. But yesterday .... I was reluctant to say yes at first, but she kept asking. You haven't tell me when you would be free to go, though you had said we would go together. I didn't know why I agreed to join her. I should have say no. I should have.

It had happened to me always, people said they would call me, but went with others instead. Yesterday I had done that to you. I don't like it when others did to me, and here I am doing it to you. It was no excuse for me to disappoint you. I am disappointed with myself for doing it to you.

You had on a couple of occasion accompanied me, even when you already had your meal. You were the second person who had kept me company though you were not eating. I really appreciate that. I do miss Samsidar, and I know I will miss you too. I don't have any real friends, people here will always treat me as another colleague. Even you. It doesn't matter. I know I can't have any real friends.

Yesterday I had let you down, I had disappointed you, you said it was okay. But I will never forgive myself for that.

I am sorry, Baidura.