I want to celebrate her birthday

Sometimes I wish I can drop my "M" status ...

I will still be faithful to my wife, but without the "M", maybe I can get the friends that I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I am not on a sexual hunt, or looking for a good time, though having friends do mean having a good time. What I am trying to say is, if being married is preventing me from sharing time with female friends, then I want to drop the status. Friendship means a lot to me, friendship is all I wanted from them.

I allow my wife to go out with her male friend, it is good to have male friends as well as female. She got to celebrate with him on his birthday. But me, I can't. Because the world is not as tolerance as me. I don't blame her if she will feel awkward about having meal alone with me. Society will gossip. She don't want it. It is frustrating, me letting my wife going out with her best friend, but I can't do the same ... I do wish to celebrate her birthday ...

If wanting female friend is my wish, then I am doomed to be friendless. That is the wish of society....

Who I am

I have never meant to keep my face from you. All this years, I can't wait to meetup with you, that is the time I want to let you see who I am ... but I guess I have always fear that you will turn down my request to meet.

Now, I may have lost the chance to be your real friend.

Who am I? Someone who treasure your friendship ....

raya video

This video is my only celebration for Raya this year. Last year at least I had one, but this year, I have no invite, no makan, not even kuih kuih to taste.

I guess I have only myself to blame as I didn't offer any good fasting this year. Unlike last year I had my operation, this year was no excuse. Though I am feeling disappointed with trying to observe fasting. Other non-muslim. who don't even bother to share the fasting, gets to celebrate with their muslim friends, but not me. So ... it is a matter of having good friends that matter, friends who will want you to come to their places to celebrate their festive.

I am just plain old colleague ...

friends not, insanity yes?

Friends, family and dancing ...

They means alot to me .... but I only have a family, and that is not enough. I know, for I have been through this before ... and it almost broke me.

The past few years, I have come to realise that a person needs a friend outside the family to have a more balance life. Someone that one can meet up for a chat, to laugh or share one's thought. Someone who is a family outside the family. For the past few years has seen me finding a few, yet they have not been that close friend that I have always wanted. Fate is not letting me have a close friend.

Colleagues can only be colleagues, for I am disadvantaged. Being a married man, nobody will believe that I only wish to have them as a friend, true friend. Yes, those I wanted as close friends happened to be female. Maybe because I wanted someone sisterly, maybe even motherly haha. The fact that they are female is preventing me from getting that friendship that I seek. Even if they are willing, outsiders and their gossips may be the reason they dare not. This is how life is. It is unfair, but it is the reality. I know. But if I can't seek a close friend among my colleagues, people that I am in contact always, I have nowhere else to look.

I can't depend on looking towards dancing for help, for age is not on my side. But I have to .... to stop me from going insane.

I have to keep everything to myself now, letting it out through dance, even if I have to dance to myself .... just as I keep my insanity to myself.

I seek for help but none is willing to spare the time for me. I don't blame them. They are still special to me in my heart. I am a fool, who treasure friends, even though they may not want to me one. I will still help them if they ask. That is the kind of fool that I am.

Maybe insanity will bring me the happiness that I have been seeking to balance my life, but couldn't get ....

speedy recovery

I pray she will recover soon ...

Accident

Sam had an accident, heard it was bad, I hope she will recover soon, I miss her ...

When she changed shift, I was alone most of the time, most of the others don't bother about me. She was companionship when we had duties together. I worry for her, I can only pray that she will be fine.

I miss Sam ... and Dura ...

no Raya

It is easy to say that it doesn't matter ...

not celebrating Raya with them ... yes it is not my festive, but having tried fasting, it is naturally expected if can celebrate Raya ...

I want to join them go visiting, it doesn't matter I may not know the people I visit, I just want to be part of the festive celebration, with someone that I consider close will be enough. I wish someone will invite me to their place ... before it is over.

I suppose it is over even before it begins ...