My odyssey

still haven't tasted any Raya cookies/kuih yet ... like last year, probably will not either this year. haiz ...

Saw snippets of The Producers: The Movie Musical, Nathan Lane is wonderful to watch, a talent who is a hilarious comedian but also a great sing and dance man. If anyone has watched Lion King, he is the voice that makes Timon such a delightful character to watch.

Watching the characters break into songs and dances makes me want to do it as well ..... and I did, irritating my dear with my antics hahaha. I feel like doing so often at work but it will be strange coming from me. Already people commented surprise whenever I joked with them. I can't be myself there as I don't feel like doing so. Maybe I feel not necessary to be the person I normally am when I am with my loved ones. And to people I consider my friends.

Though having close friends is still a dream for me, I have accepted my fate. Maybe then I can be a more happy person. Having expectation is not healthy when it is unlikely to come true.



For now, I will find solace in songs that touch my heart. Like this Dayang raya song. I may not know the title or what the words mean, but her version comforts me with the melody. Thank you Dayang ... and Zana for introducing this song to me, well in a way you introduced it when you put it on your blog last year. Or was it two years back haha. For the moment, besides the raya song (which I will still play when Hari Raya is over), other songs like Erti Hidup, Seindah Biasa and Pudar will be my comfort when I am feeling frust or sad.

It has been a long journey, an odyssey I called it on moblog, an emotional odyssey for me. Especially last year and early this year as I struggle to win the friendship from those I felt could help me. I didn't purposely choose them, just that they came into my life, and I felt good with them. Unfortunately they are not keen to have me as their close friend, and I have to accept that. They could have help me but I suppose I am not fated to win their friendship. But they will always be close to my heart. I will always be their friend if ever they need me. I will want to be there for them still.

Life is short and the journey is a struggle that we can't avoid. There will be good times and there will be times that you wish never have happened. We have dreams. It may not always come true, but it is still good to dream. My dream is to have a close friend or two. For the moment, it will remain a dream again. And a dream it will forever be.

Feeling unwanted

Nothing else I can do about the result, just hope she will study harder next year.

Haiz ... everytime I was looking forward to it, I was disappointed that they are not interested in the trip. Maybe I will just go alone.

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The team had the chalet, though the invitation was to all, nobody was interested if I went or not. I could hear them discussing about it, but nobody approached me. Since I wasn't wanted, I didn't go. And to think that I had thought of bbq for them!

I don't want to be seemed sensitive, I had let it go at work when I wasn't asked to join them, but it got too much for me to accept that they don't bother if I was there. There were some I like to mix around with outside of work. I feel so unwanted. Well, if colleagues that they want, I will just be that .. a colleague!

There were still some from my old team that I still care that we can be friends, but I know that they will only treat me as a colleague. I am always unlucky in not able to make friends with those I like. Time and time again, I get disappointed. Maybe I should try harder in forgetting about looking for good friends. There is no such things as friend in the workplace, or anywhere, for me.

My life is just a circle of four.

And it can be really disappointing when I have no option when the circle is so small .... haiz :(

Cheese watch and Day watch

Yesterday, we went to CA (Changing Appetite). Haven't been there for a while, so since it was Tuesday, we decided to eat there, being 50% off for cakes and cheesecakes. Ordered a plate of ribs, and the main course (of course, since we were there especially for these haha) - Banana Magic and Kahlua Cheesecakes. So delicious!!

Had a look around at Fox, there were not any real sale going on there, but there was a promotion where you needed to spend $50 so you can get some apparall at $19. I saw a cardigan, original price was $36. After looking around, my dear found some trackpants she wanted. So I got my white cardigan! By the way, this cardigan is a ladies collection haha. Hey, I like the cutting and I can fit into the size 3. And it looks good on me ;-)

We watched Daywatch at Golden Village there. Joined the GV club so it being Tuesday, the tickets cost $6.50. The movie is nice, I enjoyed it. Saw the first installment, Nightwatch. Think there is a third installment coming, think it is called Twilightwatch, not so sure. I definitely will want to catch that.

Till the next Tuesday ... if I am free .... i will catch my cheesecakes and movies. And oh yeah, Gelare waffles too! haha

Censoring the ice-kachang?

Didn't get much sleep,especially the last two days as have to prepare to work at midnite. And I hardly sleep in the day. Or do it only when I am sick.

I had so many things I wanted to blog about, at that point in time, there were points I wanted to put down here, but in the end, as I didn't get the opportunity to blog, I have forgotten what I want to say. Not that it matter. Just something in my head that I wanted to put down in words, as at that time it seemed a good idea. I suppose when one has the opportunity, whether it be blogging online or telling your friends, it all comes down to having a "friend" around. And it is luck that plays a part. If luck brings two entity together, person and machine or person and person, then there will be "conversation". Of course one can still converse with oneself when alone, but that will make the perception that one seems to be insane, mad, crazy with all the screws loose. But if one is already insane, it doesn't matter what others think, rite? haha

Read in the paper of this Nominated MP bringing the debate on Section 377A, basically about the rights of the gays. Maybe those against the appeal have a point or two, but I see it more about legalising the gay's behaviour. It is more to giving the people a right in deciding what to want. Just like censoring, more recent being "Lust:Caution" which had several people writing to the newspaper, and more online. How do you let a person grows up and learn to make decision if the decisions are always make for him? "You can't do this, you can't do that!" We got the rating so let the rating be the guide. Going to watch a cut movie is like eating an ice-kachang without the syrup or less syrup as it is fattening. I may as well don't buy it. I want to eat ice-kachang because I want the taste, all sweetness and the miscellanous ingrediences that make the dessert so wonderful to eat.

Let us be an adult, guide us if you want but don't take away what we can decide for ourselves. Sure, the mass community must be protected. But it doesn't do any good by sweeping the dirt under the carpet and tell them that the world is nice and goody-goody. Sometimes the forbidden food brings more evil, luring the innocent wanting to do it. I am sure Adam is a familiar example.

Perhaps not seeing the whole version of the movie will not be much, but as for the gay issue, perhaps the BIG BROTHER should be more compassionate towards them. In the first place, they can't help being who they are. Give them their space, if you don't want the kids to follow their examples, you explain to your kids. At least they will understand, and learn to be a more humane society.

SPG ... or not

Saw tabtv on CH5 for the first time yesterday. Subject for the night - sarong party girl. Frankly, SPG is nothing else but local girl wanting to have a good time with caucasian male. Whoever coined the phrase probably is jealous she can't hook any causcasian. Well, presumably it is a she, but if it is a he, probably he couldn't hook a local gal haha. Will you label a local girl wanting to have a good time with local male? Just because the skin color is different, and people look at them with distaste.

The show didn't highlight much, there was two brief cases of young chinese gals meeting white guys, one with the gal happily getting the guy, the other one ended losing her virginity (well, presumably she was a virgin before she met him) and not hearing from him again.

Their reasons for wanting a caucasian may be different, but don't the same local also have their reasons, whatever it may be, when they go after a guy. Only thing is the boyfriends they seek is not our local guys. We have no right to put a label on them, just because their catchs have a different skin color. Each person sees the world differently, and have his/her own preferences. So don't treat them as though they did something wrong. I think the people who treat others with disdain are probably jealous because others could get what they could not.

Tabtv should skip the interview part since it lacked the time, think it has less than 10mins slotted for it. It is irritating to see the participants get cut off when they have something to say. The same with any talkshows. If they think they don't have the time to let the participants voice their opinion, don't ask them, don't have it in the first place.

I have always try not to judge a person. I try to believe that there is always a reason, one that I am not aware of. I may not like that person, due to one reason or another, but I do not know him enough to judge him. Maybe he gets to talk to the person I like to get along with, but fail, and I am jealous of him. Still, I have no right to label him when I notice him showing his bad side. Everyone has his bad side! And I know I have too.

We have the choice of who we want to know, who we want as our friends, boyfriends, girlfriends and acquaintances. Whether we are successful or not, nobody should label us. We will label ourselves!

Extinction

Isn't Milla Jovovich cool? She looks good as a tough kick-ass heroine, and yet so sexy. She is probably the only model-turned-actress who is successful as a action star. I want to see Resident Evil:Extinction. I saw the first two Resident Evil, never mind the story, just watch the actions ... and Milla haha.

Today we went to try Fin Seafood Restaurant at Marina Square. Saw their setlunch poster a few days back, so we wanted to try it. We had the option of 4 starters and 4 main courses. Unfortunately only 2 starters was avail today, the chowder soup and the greenslip mussels. Both were delicious! We ordered the fish and chips and the softshelled crab spaghetti. The portion was generous enough for the price of the set lunch, which is mere $8.00, not including the gst and service tax. But very reasonable I thought. And there were 2 dessert option included too, apple crumblepie and tiramisu, not forgetting free flow of drinks. Where else can you get such deal for $8? And the food is good too. My dear and I agree that we will come back another day to try the other dishes.


a photo of Fin, sorry no photos of the food, as we finished them before I remembered to take any shot haha.

I was at Vivocity earlier, haven't been there since the 1st month they opened. It is so much livelier now. We had dinner at Thai Accent, the food is delicious. But I wouldn't recommend ordering any coffee, as $3.50 for a cup that couldn't even quench my lips is not worth it. The one at Fin is much larger cup, and you got free flow, though I didn't take any second as one cup was enough earlier. This one at Thai Accent didn't even look three-quarter of the cup. One will get better deal just to go to any coffee outlet there, and there were plenty you can choose from.

We only had time to shop a while, not enough to even cover the whole 2nd floor where we hang around after dinner. Spend too much time at phone shops, didn't have time for the other shops. I did manage to get myself a new ring, well two actually haha.

Each ring is a set of three, I mix the two sets up and get a new combination as in the photo.

I like to see the shine on this pots and pans. I wish I can have them all haha.

See how lovely they are!

On the first day of Raya, I forgot to download Dayang's hari raya song to my mp3, felt so bored not able to hear any raya song on that day. Then on Sunday, I happened to have it with me, and I played it over and over again. The song is about 2.33 mins, think in total I played the song for at least 4hrs, that should make it about 100 times I hear Dayang singing the raya song haha. And I enjoyed every minute of it haha.

To the birthday girl, Nur

Happy Birthday Nur!

May you have the best birthday yet! I don't know your age, according to moblog, you should be 23. This is a good age to discovery life and relationships. There is always ups and downs, may you have more ups, preferably all ups :-) You must take care of your health ok?

Have a great birthday Nur :-)

Fast and Furious

Well, nothing to be furious actually. Today is the last day for fasting. I feel it easier to fast this year compare to last year when I did for the first time, though this time I do feel I didn't drink enough water before starting my fast. Ended up my throat got dry and losing my voice. At least I didn't have any bad experience with my stomach unlike last year.

It will be nice to be invited to taste ketupat at somebody's home, but I don't expect any.

I bought a new Giordano cardigan, meant for ladies again. Hey, can't help it, I like the design haha. Finally bought a new headphone for my mp3, it was frustrating with the old one as I kept losing contact and couldn't hear the music.

To Fad, Nur and Zana, Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri!

A day for branded stuff

I have just came back from shopping, and eating. Today I didn't fast. My family don't know I fast. So it is a opportunity for me to eat today as it is my day off haha. I cooked for myself a big sausage with prata (I bought from the supermart those prata package) for a pre-lunch, and dosed it with plenty of mustard. I love sausage with mustard. I don't know if I like to eat sausage because of the mustard or the mustard because of the sausage haha.

Went down to Suntec for lunch around 2pm, then had ice mocha latte which was promoting one for one. Then it was time to shop. We spend two hours at Royal Sporting House where it has some clearance sale going. I had a hard time looking for a nice shoe, and size that fit as there were not many left on the designs that I liked, but in the end, my dear got a Nike, and I got one Nike and one Reebok, both at around 50% off. Got a Reebok cap and bag too. Not that I was particularly mad about Reebok, but Reebok do has nice design. And it was going so cheap haha.

Took a walk over to Marina Square, wanted to watch a movie, but the timing didn't fit in, so took the shuttle to Raffles City. We ate at the food court, then went down to look for my fried mars. I found it! It was a simple recipe of Mars coated with flour and deepfried, but it tasted heavenly with ice-cream and chocolate sauce. After finishing the fried mars, we kept the bowl and spoon. It will come in handy haha. I am thinking of trying my own version of fried mars hehe, afterall, it is so easy to make.

As we were leaving, City Chain caught our attention. I left the place with an Adidas watch which was going for $29. The original price was $89 I was told. Time I stopped buying those $10 or less watches as I will wait for good sale on branded watches now hahaha. Those cheap watches also don't last, as all my watches batteries died, and the straps come apart easily.

And oh yes, I bought a pot and pan set, a 7pc stainless steel cookware set at Isetan this morning, $29 also down from $89. I enjoy the kitchen section of department store, I wish I can buy all those beautiful cookware haha.

Well, enough shopping for today. Till tomorrow hehe ......

Memoir of friendship

I gave half-boiled (well, think it was threequartered though) eggs too generous doses of pepper and black soysauce (I think Fad would love it haha). It has been a while since I had it for breakfast. Read recently somewhere that having eggs isn't as bad as some people said. Well, I suppose everything in moderation is okay.

The more I wanted to speak to them, the more I would keep silence. I don't know, I just couldn't make myself to approach them, I have so many things I want to talk about with them, but I just couldn't make myself to do it. If those I want to chat with don't want to chat with me, then I have nobody else. I suppose the fear of them not interested in talking to me is always there. The other day had the chance to work and sit next to Bai. We talked a little now and then, but only about work. She is one of those that I like to be friend with, but was disappointed when she ignored me. There are only a few people that I am interested in chatting with, but if I can't chat with them, I rather be silent. She too gave sign that she doesn't want to talk with me.

They have nothing to lose, I am the one who lose out on friendship. But I can't do anything about it. I can always mix around with others, but I will know I can't open to any of them. They will be just casual acquaintances who will disappear from my life the minute we don't see each other anymore. Even now nobody bother to ask me along even when they see me. I rather have few good friends that will keep in touch with me long after we don't work together. But it looks like it will not happen. Again.

I like to mention that I appreciate Sab who is the only person who bother to sms me sometimes to ask me to go along for makan. I appreciate her company. I wish it can be more often, but I know it is not likely to.

Sometimes the more you want something, and strive for it, the more likely you will fail. I have encountered this time and time again with friendship. I used to just keep quiet and hopefully they will understand if I just show my interest by being there for them. But it didn't work. This time, I let them know my intention, hoping it would help to buildup the friendship, but it backfired on me. I still lost.

I was thinking when I came back to blog, I will refrain from talking about my failure, but I want to keep this blog as a memoir of my life. And my thoughts about friendship was the reason I had started blogging in the first place. If I keep on and on about it, I do apologise for the repetitive issue I keep writing about, and hope those who read my blog will understand. Something happened that prompt me to write about my longing again.

And in case anyone think I have a uncaring colleagues out there, I like to mention that they are nice people, most of them anyway. It is just me, seeking for their friendship from certain people and not getting it. I don't care if most of them don't bother about me, I don't bother about them anyway. It is just that sometimes (well, most of the time actually) I do wish I can be part of them. But for now, I will stay a loner. I did try but have failed. I don't want to try anymore.

Besides a few from moblog, I especially like to thank Zana, Nur, Jas and Fad for your friendship here. Life would have been more silent if not for you people. It does help me knowing that at least someone is listening.

Green means Go

I missed the chance to try out karting. There was a carnival or something at East Coast, I forgot about it so didn't head down to take a look. I wonder if I need a license to drive one. It would be nice to tryout karting since I can't drive a Formula One. Well, there is the game but it wouldn't be the same.

I find it silly the way they put up the green light for those cars turning, on a lane where one can either go straight or do a left turn. When the car upfront want to move straight, the rest of the cars who want to turn can't do so. So it defeats the purpose most of the time. Another green signal situation, this time it is the pedestrian, is having to manually push the button. Most of the time you can find the pedestrians still crossing if the light remains red. This kind of situation only invites disaster to happen.

I bought another book, to complement the ramadan, hopefully to get better understanding. Sometimes I do wish someone can help me, instead of just trying to get the fact from books. Am getting more confused from the current book, Muhammed in the Bible. Sometimes I just wonder why I bother to fast as I don't do it for religious reason.

I think Dayang will be on this Saturday on Suria. Hopefully I can get to see her sing. In the meantime just click on the clip on the right of my main page to hear her sing (under the title Song of Hope, though it is not the actual title of the song but for me, that song was a sign of hope at that time last year). Yes Zana, I still listen this song, even when it is not Raya haha.

Being 50, going 16

6.15am, I often see this old man making his early morning walk, shuffling along a distance that takes him 5mins which I will take less than a minute. I admire him for making an effort to make himself mobile at his age, but I dread to see the day that I will be like his condition. I don't want to be 80 and hardly mobile.

I may be over 50 but my heart is still 22, maybe even 18 or 16. I think I always see myself as young inside haha. Only thing is that my body can't keep up or rather remain still with my preferred age lolx! If I am still 22, I could have taken part in the Suntec dance competition!

When I was 16, the only thing on my mind was movies and comics. Dancing wasn't in me yet. Or looking for close relationship. I was a loner. I enjoyed being alone, and doing things alone. If I had a friend, he needed to catch up with me going to 2-3 cinemas within a day, and during those times it would take 15mins the least to cross over to the next cinema. There was no cineplex. It would be hard to find someone like that. Yes, I didn't need a friend back then.

Now, eversince Chris awakened what I needed but didn't realise, it is a different story. I had often feel something was missing in my life, and I am not talking about find a girlfriend. A girlfriend or wife may not necessary be your confidant, though often she may be also. In my case, I often find it in someone else. If only they are willing ...

When I am 80, I still want to dance, and I am not talking about ballroom or line dancing. People always ask me if I ballroom or line dance when they hear I dance. Nope, I don't go for that. I prefer contemporary, hiphop and jazz. Will I still be able to dance those? I wish to. I probably still attempt a cartwheel at 80, and end up breaking a bone somewhere haha.

I want to go clubbing, travel, do extreme sports like rock climbing or wakeboarding. But I can't or don't have friends doing it. I often hear people said that they are past clubbing, or too old to do this or that, but I am over 50 and still long for it. They have mentally kill their age. Me, I am still 22 haha. It will be nice if I have young friends who do those thing so they will invite me along. But I don't. And it isn't fun doing them alone. Also, I want to perform, I want to dance while my body still can.

Age is a fearful factor. No matter how old I think I am, be it 16 or 22, my body age will hinder what I want to do. Right now I can still climb 2 steps at a time going up a stair but for how long? I need to exercise and hopefully it will delay my body ageing. The only worry I will have then is injury or whatever that may come to immobilise me. Currently I enjoy my mobility so I fear of being immobile. But going towards 80 and beyond, that may be a probability :( I rather die earlier!

Dance, friends and family. Three things that keeps me going. I don't know how long more I can dance, and as for friends, I still don't have someone that I can turn to. So I have only my family. But from the past, I know that that is not enough ... but it is probably how it will be, and I have to live with that no matter how hurt I may feel inside. I don't expect and will not look for that friendship that have elude me. And though I long to find a close friend, I want to stop dreaming. Dream is nice to have, but for me, it will be just a dream.

I will always be 16, and sometimes 22, even if I get to be 80 physically!